Friday Funnies March 16 07

"In the Valerie Plame case, Scooter Libby was found not guilty ... on one of the five charges. ... But the media is instead focusing, of course, on the four counts of perjury, lying to the FBI and obstruction of justice for which Libby was convicted. It's typical. They always see the glass as 80% guilty." --Stephen Colbert

"Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or as the White House calls it, a press conference." --Bill Maher

"There's a bipartisan commission now who's looking into what's going on at Walter Reed. They're about to make recommendations about the conditions there. The conditions? It's a Taco Bell franchise. There's mold and rats. Recommendations? How about a bucket and mop?" --Bill Maher

“While he was there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian press and he said the most difficult decision a president could ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough about Walter Reed." --Bill Maher

"Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after the ambassador was found drunk and naked in the yard of his residence. And today, Israel announced he is their new ambassador to Ireland." --Conan O'Brien

"Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has admitted that he was having an extramarital affair back in 1998, at the same time he was the leading critic of Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky. But Newt says you can't compare the two affairs because his woman was really hot." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble -- when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton." --Jay Leno

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

A good friend took a bunch of pictures while visiting us in Canada and had them printed at Walmart when he got back. Due to the exchange rate, however, they’re each only worth about 700 words.

Two eggs are boiling in a pot. The female says "Look, I've got a crack!" The male ripostes, "No point telling me, I'm not hard yet!

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!". "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

I actually love the sound of the cello but can still chuckle at the following “Cello Q&A”:
Q: How is lightning like a cellist's fingers? A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? A: Put it in a cello case.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a cello? A1: The cello burns longer. A2: The cello holds more beer. A3: You can tune the violin.
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
Q: Why do cellists stand for long periods outside people's houses? A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
Q: What's the difference between a washing machine and a cellist? A: Vibrato.
Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the cello? A: It saves time.
Q: How can you tell when a cellist is playing out of tune? A: The bow is moving.
Q: Why is playing the cello like peeing in your pants? A: They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
- Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful fertile soil.
- Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Canada, young and well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
- Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.
- Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
- Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
- Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide, and borders are now unpatrolled.
- After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. Only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
- Between 1 and 70, a man is like U.S.A ruled by a dick.
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, it had to eliminate one team from the league. So, the NFL has decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and will have no second string.

A little b. ball humour

Q. How did the basketball court get wet? A. The players dribbled all over it.

"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."

Q. How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

In the '80 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Bobby Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily.When asked about the win, Bobby said, "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."

An obstetrics nurse at a large multicultural city hospital checked the chart of an incoming patient and, from the name, assumed that she was of European descent. When she was finally wheeled in, she was surprised to see that the patient was Asian. As the nurse was performing the exam, they chatted and the woman said that she was Chinese and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech. After a short pause, she quipped, "I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!"

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray. Put on a little and you can go all night!" Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever. The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!" Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?" "Yeah, so?" "You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir, this is Easy-Off."

Upon reaching 73, Marvin's old friend Stu decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife Anne became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time like joining a club or getting a hobby. Old Stu obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home Anne asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys". And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club". "What? Are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start parachuting"? "Yeah, look. I even got a membership card." "Stu, you need glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club!" "Oh, great! ! Now what am I gonna do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

What’s In a Name:There are many companies/brands/products whose names were derived from strange circumstances, and these are some! Pretty informative.

Mercedes: This was actually the financier's daughter's name.

Adobe: This came from the name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house of founder John Warnock.

Apple Computers: It was the favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 O'clock. They couldn't, he did!

CISCO: It is not an acronym as popularly believed. It is short for San Francisco.

Compaq: This name was formed by using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object.

Corel: The name was derived from the founder's name Dr. Michael Cowpland. It stands for Cowpland Research Laboratory.

Google: The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders, Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google'

Hotmail: Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective uppercasing.

Hewlett Packard: Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.

Intel: Bob, Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain. So they had to settle for an acronym of Integrated Electronics.

Lotus (Notes): Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from 'The Lotus Position' or 'Padmasana'. Kapor used to be a teacher of Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.

Microsoft: Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted to MICRO computer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft, the '-' was removed later on.

Motorola: Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the time was called Victrola.

ORACLE: Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers to all questions or some such thing). The project was designed to help use the newly written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry and Bob decided to finish what they started and bring it to the world. They kept the name Oracle and created the RDBMS engine. Later, they kept the same name for the company.

Sony: It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.

SUN: Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym for Stanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scott McNealy to manufacture computers based on it, and Bill Joy to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer.

Yahoo! The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book 'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo! founders Jerry Yang and David Filo selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos.