Friday Funnies July 27 07

"Did you hear what happened in Iowa the other day? Two women see Bill Clinton at a parade and they thought he was Bob Barker from 'The Price is Right.' ... They're going, 'Bob. Bob.' You can understand why. When Clinton saw the girls, he was saying, 'Come on down.'" --Jay Leno

"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders, that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems" --Conan O'Brien

Ten Gaffes that would happen under President Rudy Giuliani:
10. To set a precedent of fiscal forward-thinking, President Giuliani will sell advertising on the outside of the White House to Coca-Cola, MetLife Insurance and Lockheed Martin.
9. Vice President Sean Hannity will accidentally shoot himself in the foot while interviewing the NRA's Media Executive VP Wayne LaPierre.
8. The word "Veto" will be replaced by the word "Vito Says No."
7. President Giuliani will crucify fellow New Yorker Howard Stern for his popular Broad-casts and decry the sin-dickated scandals as "Hot Lesbian Affairs" more dangerous to America than 9/11.
6. To win the war in Iraq, President Giuliani will send in New York City's mostly highly-trained combat forces... the Guardian Angels.
5. President Giuliani will appoint fellow New Yorker Donald Trump as Secretary of Decadent Luxury.
4. The presidential motorcade will be blasting the soundtrack of "The Godfather."
3. President Giuliani will appoint fellow New Yorker George Steinbrenner as Secretary of Phat Payrolls.
2. President Giuliani will get censured for flying the American Flag lower than his New York Yankees pennant, though he'll escape impeachment as soon as they win their next World Series.
1. President Giuliani will adopt intercultural policies by appointing fellow New Yorker Woody Allen as Undersecretary of Asia Minor Youth Affairs.

The military theorist and historian B. H. Liddell Hart once remarked to George Bernard Shaw: "Do you know that 'sumac' and 'sugar' are the only two words in the English language that begin with 'su' and are pronounced 'shu'?" Replied Shaw: "Are you sure?

A little geology humour:Two Geologists are walking across a granite outcrop one day. The first says to the second "Hey, this terrain is unmetamorphosed". Replies the second one, "No Schist".

A lot of readers won’t get theses jokes. That's ok, because "Igneous is bliss"

Watson: Holmes! What kind of rock is this!
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

Something tells me these jokes are not gneiss.

My sediments exactly!

CREATIVE POLITICAL WRITING AT ITS BEST
Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, Was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On The back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, Sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in1889." Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional Image adjusters cropped Remus's picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and Edited it with image processing software so all that's seen is a head shot.The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:"Remus Rodham was a Famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include Acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to Service at a government facility, finally Taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key Player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held In his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."And THAT is how it's done folks!

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all theway through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day."

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote."

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "did you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him."Did you call for me? " asked the hairy man."No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer."You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone. Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: There is a man and a woman in bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? Well, after 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says, "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either Willie Turner or Willie Taylor." He got the job!

Thoughts on marriage:

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Our marriage is one of "give and take". I give - she takes

It is a little-known fact that Maurice Chevalier, the French actor/ singer, also was a small businessman. In addition to his stage and screen successes, he operated a chain of propane shops, where people would bring their tanks in for gas refills. The name of his company was "Tank Heaven for Little Grills."

"I heard that the New Orleans football team has a new sponsor, "I Can't Believe It's not Butter." Their theme song will be "When the Saints Go Margarine."

I realize that we all have mixed feelings about Khalil Ahmed and his reckless driving habits demonstrated at Glasgow Airport. While recovering from his injuries, he has been complaining about his treatment at the hospital, especially the food. Rather than a traditional Arab diet, he has been forced to consume porridge, haggis, neeps and tatties. Well, what did he expect? He is, after all, in a Burns unit.

Did you hear about the new auto insurance policy for Jewish mothers? It’s known as the "My Fault" policy.

Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?" The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her. Okay?" "Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we also play for a dollar a point?"

George Carlin's New Rules For 2007
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what t the captain of the football team is doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that water taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for wed dings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"