Friday Funnies September 7 07

I’m due for another colonoscopy soon so I thought I’d prepare in a Humorous way (Yes - Preperation H) by passing on these lines that a physician claims are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

A buddy of mine went to the proctologist after a long bout of diarrhea and bloody stools. He was diagnosed with diverticulitis and it was recommended he have half of his colon removed. He was feeling really depressed and asked me what I thought he should do. I told him that was a real tough decision because that would leave him with only a semi-colon! He wasn’t consoled by my attempts at being a comma –dian. I told him I was just glad it wasn’t my asterisk!

At the end of the money, I always have some month left.

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

Boudreaux took Marie home with him and took off his shirt. Marie said, "Boudreaux dat's some chest you have dare." Boudreaux says, "Marie, dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite. "Next he took off his pants. Marie says, "Boudreaux dat's nice calves you have dare." Boudreaux says, "Marie dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite." Boudreaux quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Marie screamed and ran out the door. Boudreaux put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching her, Boudreaux said "Marie, Why you ran out like dat?" Marie said, "With all dat dynamite around, I taught it was going to explode when I saw how short da fuse was."

Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was the wife went into a passionate painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally after allowing this to continue for a length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand and embraced and kissed her long and passionately. The woman sat down slightly dazed. The therapist turned to the husband and said: "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought a moment, then replied" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing.

Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown." Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo." Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown." Fanny again says, "No." Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again." "No." says Fanny. So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door. Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me." Fanny says, "Nooo." Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door." "No." says Fanny. Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down." Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"

Rock 'n Roll Jokes
How are Robert Plant and a 75 year old geologist similar? Both are aging rockers.
How do you know a drummer’s at the door? The knocking speeds up and he never knows when to come in.
JOHNNY: "Mom, I want to be a rock star when I grow up."
MOM: "Well, you can’t do both."
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.
What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a rhythm guitarist? A tattoo.
How do you make a keyboardist's car more aerodynamic? Take the pizza sign off it.
What does a drummer Almost NEVER say to a guitarist? "Hey, do you want to play one of my songs?"
How many lead vocalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. He holds it in place while the world revolves around him.
How do you get a guitarist to turn down his volume?: Put some sheet music in front of him.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The keyboardist can do it with his left hand.

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER! "When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

A man dies and leaves his son nine pairs of socks and a rooster. The son is confused as to what it means. He goes to the rabbi and asks if this bequest has a hidden meaning, The rabbi says he will need a week to think about it. When the week is up the son goes to the rabbi for the answer. The rabbi says that indeed there was a message. "Nine pair of socks equals eighteen and eighteen is Chai and a rooster is a cock, so ... your father left you Chai Cock !"

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission is to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears, waving his six arms... "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!" One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? But we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars". So he strikes a match which flames up, burns down, and nothing bad happens. He turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says, "It's Shabbos!"