Friday Funnies July 13 07

"The other day Senator Hillary Clinton returned to her old stomping ground in Arkansas for a political event, yeah, she went back home. Hillary said for old times sake, she stopped by the Governor's mansion and tore him a new one." --Conan O'Brien

"President Clinton has a new book coming out next month, that's right. And he says in this book 'I've done my best to demonstrate what I've seen firsthand around the world.' That's right. Which explains why the book is called 'Global Booty'" --Conan O'Brien

"And People magazine reports that contrary to popular belief, June is not the biggest month for weddings. I also thought it was. July is, July is the biggest month. In fact, do you know this: 70 percent of all Rudy Giuliani marriages are in July." --Jay Leno

"More news coming out about the big Live Earth concert, apparently Michael Jackson was supposed to perform, but didn't due to a misunderstanding. Apparently he wound up on the wrong planet, yeah I don't know what happened there. I think he was on Uranus." --Jay Leno

"Some sad news. Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, arrested in Laguna Niguel, California. Police found marijuana in his car. Police searched the car after pulling him over for going 100mph in his Prius. When his dad found out he said, 'Whew, thank God it was a Prius. That could've been so embarrassing'" --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Al Gore's son was arrested speeding doing 100mph. Al's already made a movie about it called 'An Inconvenient Son'" --David Letterman

"Analogies were my favorite part of the SATs. I feel like we should do some tonight. ... President George W. Bush last week shocked many Americans by commuting a sentence: President George W. Bush this week shocked many Americans by completing a sentence." --Conan O'Brien

And now, some Science Humour:

According to many geophysicists, about 3.5 Billion years ago, the sun was a lot less hot. The joke is that they're always arguing over the Chinese Restaurant Problem. That is, once upon a time the whole world had a dim sun.

A famous joke about instructions outside a Laser lab: "Do not stare into the beam with your remaining good eye"

Q: What's the first thing Buck Rogers does to his wife after returning from a daring mission back and forth across spacetime?A: Laser

Quantum physicist's pickup line: "Your wave function or mine?"

Kelvinist's pickup line: "Your thermometer or mine?"

Copernicus' parents: Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?!

Q: How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb.A: Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.

Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water. Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly. "It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favorite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest. So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects. He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA, that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste. I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air. The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.

Lady Bird Johnson, the widow of former President Lyndon B. Johnson, passed away recently. She was 94. She will probably be best remembered for her fervent view of equal rights (thanks to the open-minded teachings of her mother, most of her childhood playmates were black), her love of the environment, and of course, for suffering her husband for over three decades, from his time as a congressional staffer, all the way through his peak as President of the United States, and until his passing. With all due respect, we present a few LBJ laughs to wish her spirit well into the next life.

On the sad day that LBJ arose to the status of POTUS, Ethel, a genteel little old lady from Texas, was delighted that the country finally had a President who didn't speak with an accent.

LBJ was running for sheriff of Johnson City and was behind in the polls so he started a rumor that his opponent loved to fuck pigs. His aides told him no one would ever believe that, but people love a good juicy rumor and it spread like wild fire. When someone asked LBJ why he did it, he said, "I just wanted to see the asshole get in front of God and everybody and say, 'I don't fuck pigs.' Because once you deny something, at least 25% of people will always believe you did."

"Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else." -- Lyndon B. Johnson

A kid was in Hutto crying his eyes out and and Lady Bird Johnson stopped and asked him, "Timmy, why are you crying?" Timmy, "My dad came to town last week and didn't come to see me or my mom." Lady Bird, "But Timmy, your dad has been dead for years." Timmy, "But ma'am, just last week he came to town and voted for LBJ!"

I was in the hospital recently and came down the darnedest case of consecration I've ever experienced. This gorgeous, well-built nurse came into my room and said she'd have to give me an enigma. Well, I actually found the procedure so exciting that I ended up getting an election and eventually had an organism. (Charles Wukasch)

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat, so he decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting back home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed back to work. Driving back and pulling into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and it would always beat him back home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls his wife at home: "Joan, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

A young Italian maiden by the name of Julietta, sitting on her minnow bucket while fishing, was approached by a young Italian man named Guillermo, who asked her "Eh 'scuzi Senora, what are you fishing for?" Julietta replied, "Oh, buongiorno Senor. I am fishing for a husband!" To which Guillermo replied, "Ah, senora, you won't catch one that way because you're sitting on your bait!"

Wal-Mart announced that, on January 15, 2007, it began offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2.00-$5.00 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
I thought you might want to know.

One More Time – Ten Benefits of Sex:
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria
and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals
called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the
level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Bumper Stickers for 2007 (Some new some updated)
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant!
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore
11. America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dub'ya, Your Dad Should'a Pulled Out, too!
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
30. 2004: Embarrassed; 2005: Horrified; 2006: Terrified
31. Bush Never Exhaled
32. At Least Nixon Resigned

With Jewish mothers you might as well throw logic and self esteem right out the window.
Jewish Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Jewish Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Jewish Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place? Daughter: He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH!!!
Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately. Daughter: Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother; Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

HOW TO STAY YOUNG (a repeat from George Carlin but well worth it and a nice note on which to end)
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2 Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever Your home is your refuge .
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.