Friday Funnies August 3 07

"A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. Now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. ... He's okay, although he was slightly injured trying to say the word 'colonoscopy.' ... It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots" --David Letterman

"But everything's fine. The procedure went well. After the operation on Bush's colon, the doctors put his head back up his ass." --David Letterman

"President Bush is also having a bad week. Senate investigations, congressional hearings, a colonoscopy -- I'm telling you, it's just one probe after another" --David Letterman

"Happy Birthday to the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde. ... Arnold, like everybody, is getting old. In fact, they are making a new documentary about his life. It's entitled 'Pumping Fiber'" --David Letterman

"Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno

"A new survey says that 58% of the people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Of course, President Bush is not in that group. You know ... of people who follow the news. ... This whole administration is turning into a bad version of 'Wizard of Oz.' Cheney needs a heart. Gonzales needs some courage. Bush needs a brain." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton, down there in Washington, DC, appeared on the Senate floor wearing a pink blazer and a skimpy top. She looked so hot, Senator Ted Kennedy sent over a drink. ... She looked so hot, everyone thought she was Senator Vitter's date. ... She looked so hot, by mistake, Bill hit on her" --David Letterman

"A panel investigating NASA found a heavy use of alcohol by astronauts before launches. In at least two occasions, astronauts were allowed to fly while so intoxicated that they actually posed a health risk. Maybe that's why they call it the Kennedy Space Center." --Jay Leno

Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney had a device implanted that monitors his heart beat. To test the device, doctors had to induce a mild heart attack. You know how they did it? They told him the price of oil dropped $20 a barrel. ... Working on Dick Cheney's heart. Boy, talk about microsurgery." --Jay Leno

"It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their last argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant. They barely speak to each other now. When they do speak, it's really icy. As Hillary calls that, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve?" --Jay Leno

"This weekend, President Bush was unconscious -- even more so than usual. He was having five polyps removed. Initially, he didn't want them removed. He said that they were doing a heckuva job. ... They removed the polyps successfully, and they also found an impacted Scooter in the President's Libby" --Stephen Colbert

"Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women's vote. They say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women's outreach ... and another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill's reach." --Jay Leno

"It got a little testy at the debates the other night, where Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. And then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being 'naive.' Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would forsake all others til death do you part?" --Jay Leno

"India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer." --Jay Leno

2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule
7:00 p.m. ......Opening Flag Burning.
7:15 p.m. ......Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations.
7:30 p.m. .......Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 - 8 p.m. ....Non-religious prayer and worship:.....Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton
8:00 p.m. .....Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 p.m. ........Ceremonial Tree Hugging.
8:15-8:30 p.m. ...Gay Wedding Barney Frank, officiating
8:30 p.m. .....Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:00 p.m. .Keynote Speech: "The Proper Etiquette for Surrender" former French President Jacques Chirac.
9:20 p.m.....Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden Kidney Transplant Fund.
9:30 p.m....Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay.....Sean Penn.
9:40 p.m. ....Why I hate the Military ........A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 p.m. .....Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 p.m. .Dan Rather receives "Truth in Broadcasting" award presented by Michael Moore.
9:55 p.m. ......Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:20 p.m. ...nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton for President by Osama Bin Laden
11:00 p.m. ......Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 p.m. ........Al Gore reinvents the Internet.
11:15 p.m. ......"Our Troops are War Criminals" presented by John Kerry.
11:30 p.m.........Coronation of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 a.m......... Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 a.m...........Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.

QUESTION: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

Nancy Polosi: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Anderson Cooper - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr Seuss:Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.

Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

Al Gore:I invented the chicken!

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

Dick Cheney: Where's my shotgun?

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off, please?" she says. "I really feel like shit today."

Ode to Johnny Smeaton - No translation for the English

Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim bar steward
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.
A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht 'a wumman driver'
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band
The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.
Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae FUCK.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. 'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. ''Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, 'If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite," The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."