Friday Funnies August 10 07

"Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie, 'The Bourne Ultimatum,' had the biggest movie opening ever for the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Senator John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate." --Jay Leno

"If you haven't seen the movie, it's about a guy who works for the government who can't remember his past. I think the original title was 'The Alberto Gonzales Story.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government's authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So, our phone calls are being watched. Our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC." --Jay Leno

"According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. People feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. ... But I think there's something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled up sock in his pants." --Jay Leno

"The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards and his lovely wife Elizabeth celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary this week the same way they do every year. He took her to Wendy's ... for a cheeseburger, chilli and a milkshake. See, that shows you how smart John Edwards is. Think about this. Most guys get an $8 haircut and have to take their wife out for a $400 anniversary dinner. He gets a $400 haircut and takes her out for an $8 dinner."

"The new prime minister of England visited New York this week. ... It's been reported that on Monday, Prime Minister Gordon Brown of England secretly met with Bill Clinton. By the way, it was Bill Clinton's seventh secret meeting of the day." --Conan O'Brien

"Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Archaeologists in Hungary say they have discovered a forest of trees that's 8 million years old. The archaeologists say that they haven't seen wood that old since the last time Larry King watched porn." --Conan O'Brien

The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration.

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."

Golf or sex...you pick! A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice firetruck," he said with admiration. "Thanks" the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to runyour rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

An old farmer was walking past a neighbor’s farm one day when he noticed him in the process of digging a very large and deep hole. "What are you doing?" the farmer asked. "I'm burying my faithful old plow mule" replied the neighbor. The farmer bid his neighbor adieu and turned away shaking his head, muttering quietly to himself "Man, what an ass hole."

Ode to Plurals

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

Wealth and Rich Kids:
In an age where high-priced watches start at $10,000, parents buy $1,800 diaper bags by Louis Vuitton and Gucci, Mink Stoles for infants actually sell for $4,000 and up, and families considered truly wealthy have at least $100 Million in assets, we bring you Ten Timeless Quotes and Jabs to put their opulence into perspective.
"the Lucky Sperm Club" -- Warren Buffett (America's top living investor, aka: The Oracle of Omaha, describing the fortune of rich kids).

"My life was never destined to be happy. Inherited wealth is a big handicap to happiness. It is as certain death to ambition as cocaine is to morality." -- William K. Vanderbilt (one of the wealthiest men in American history (1849-1920), who inherited his fortune from his grandfather, Commodore Vanderbilt, (1794–1877)).

"There is no class so pitiably wretched as that which possesses money and nothing else." -- Andrew Carnegie (one of the wealthiest industrialists of American history).

"Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time." – Margaret Bonnano

"Having one phone is normal. Having two is for the worker. Having three is for the fancy. Having four is for the rich, and having no phones, that's for the wealthy." -- Dis Connected

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now." -- Jack Handy (American Writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live from 1991-2003. Famous for his Deep Thoughts comedy sketches.)

"So many people spend their health gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain their health." -- A. J. Reb Materi

"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money." -- Pablo Picasso (Spanish Artist and Painter. 1881-1973)

"This is an impressive crowd: the Have's and Have-more's. Some people call you the elites. I call you my base." -- George W. Bush (American 43rd US President since 2001. b.1946)

and the last one with which I most identify -
"Just once, Dear Lord, please give me a fortune just to let me determine whether or not money can make me happy." -- Poorman's Prayer

Some of Rodney Dangerfield’s better ones, God rest his soul!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St.Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"

A young boy asks his dad,"What is the difference between confident and confidential? The father replies, "You’re my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.

One of the ladies I met in a Ft. Lauderdale den of inequity one night showed me a picture of a sea shell that was tattooed on her inner thigh. She was trying to convince me that if I put my ear next to it, I could smell the seaweed from the beach.

There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater. The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away. "But why," she wailed "Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already.

Two neighbours were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you? "Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."