Friday Funnies June 22 07

"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno

"Cheney is having an operation on his heart this week. Talk about microsurgery." --Jay Leno

"All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton earned more than $10 million last year from giving speeches, but he says he gave half of it to charity. Clinton gives the other half to her sister, Tiffany." --Conan O'Brien

"George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him." --David Letterman

"I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since ... well, Al Gore" --David Letterman

"President Bush was in Rome and had a big gaffe at the Vatican. President Bush is in trouble for calling the Pope 'sir' instead of 'your holiness.' Hey, it could have been worse. I'm surprised he didn't call him the 'Popester'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the pope on Saturday. There was one awkward moment ... when he asked the pope, 'Hey, how's Mrs. Pope?'" --Jay Leno

"The Pentagon has confirmed rumors that it tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that used chemicals to make enemy soldiers attracted to one another. A documentary about the gay bomb will be broadcast on both the History Channel and Bravo. ... Insiders say this will be the biggest gay bomb since 'Rent' was made into a movie. ... They even devoted a special plane to drop the bomb. It's the Enola Really Gay." --Jay Leno

According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women. ---Conan O'Brien

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

"Yes," the English Lord told his guest, "everything in this castle was built the hard way. Life is not worth living without challenge! The land on which it was raised? A swamp. I had it drained and filled with rocks and timber. These beams," he gestured grandly, "came from trees cut from woods in Spain. The stone was quarried in Africa under the very eyes of cannibals." Just then a beautiful young woman walked over. The English Lord announced, "This is my daughter Elizabeth." Returning the guest's curious stare, the English Lord confided, "Yes... on a horse in a raging thunderstorm."

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "Shit, that sounds terrible", Ed said. "What business were you in?" "I sell good luck charms," said Ted.

I was on the way to work this morning and I ran into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The other fella driving got out and started running back and it turns out he's a dwarf! He runs up to my window and says "I'm not happy"... I said, "Well which one are you then?"

More puns
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Twisted Definitions:
School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills. Classic : Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc .: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

Ida was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah." "We'll try," he replied compassionately. In due course Ida gratefully attended the festive rite of passage. Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding." "We'll do our best," he replied. And my friend happily attended her granddaughter's wedding. Ten years passed. Ida visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?" "Yes." "And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?" "Yes." "Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress." "Yes?" "I want you should know it has a 20-year guarantee..."

Chutzpah defined:
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents.”

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.""

A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked."