Friday Funnies April 6 07

"In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. Or, as Democrats call it, Barack Obama." --Bill Maher

"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno

"According to U.S. News & World Report, plans are underway for a movie about the Clinton Whitewater scandal. ... They're trying to get Charlize Theron to play Susan McDougall. If that happens, Bill Clinton will play himself. ... And the part of Hillary? That's going to be played by Nathan Lane." --Jay Leno

"A big issue this year is how many of these presidential candidates are guys that have been divorced -- some of them two or three times. Do you think that hurts the candidate? See, I think it gives them valuable experience. They know how to negotiate with the enemy." --Jay Leno

"Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," .... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno

"The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno

"Did you watch 'American Idol' last night? Sanjaya is still on. How is this happening? No matter how horrible he does, he gets voted back. He's like the George Bush of 'American Idol.'" --Jay Leno

"The president also had a moving ceremony this week for the Tuskegee airmen, the all black aviation squadron from World War II. A lot of these guys in their late 80s now. They were given gold medals, they were thanked, they were honored, and then the were re-activated and sent to Iraq." --Bill Maher

"Some people still love him. He also spoke this week at the Cattlemen's Beef Association. They love him, but then again, they're used to being knee-deep in bullshit." --Bill Maher

A French high-speed train (TGV) has smashed the world record for a train on conventional rails by a big margin, reaching 574.8km/h (356mph). The previous TGV record was 515km/h (320mph), set in 1990. The record attempt by a modified TGV took place on a track between Paris and the eastern city of Strasbourg. The French government is very excited as they have now calculated they could deliver a white flag from Paris to Berlin in under two hours.

Papa's In A Rolling StoneRolling Stones hell-raiser guitarist Keith Richards has said he snorted the ashes of his late father during a drugs binge. "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow," he told NME. Richards' father, Bert, died at the age of 84 in 2002. He said in the interview that his father's ashes "went down pretty well". Jane Rose, Richards' manager, told MTV News the claim was "said in jest". Ms. Rose told MTV News that she could not believe the claim had been taken seriously. NME interviewer Mark Beaumont, meanwhile, remains convinced that Richards was not joking when speaking to him about the alleged incident. "He did seem to be quite honest about it. There were too many details for him to be making it up," he told BBC Radio 4's Today programme. Mr. Beaumont added: "In Keith Richards' world that is probably doing his dad a fair bit of honour."Talk about crazy!
And to think my kids complain about that old man smell.

Fifteen British sailors captured for straying into Iranian waters. Fourteen men, one woman. Doesn't take a genius to work out who had the map, does it.

SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY IS NUTS
10. Neighbours describing him as "a quiet loner."
9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"
8. Can't stop washing his paws.
7. Colourful eggs now filled with Prozac.
6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.
5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."
4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.
3.. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.
2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack.
1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves."What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

Q: April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims!

Here’s an April fool’s item you may have missed.
RED SOX HOME OPENER POSTPONED FOR PASSOVER
Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein announced that the Boston Red Sox home opener will be postponed until April 14th to avoid the ten days of Passover. He noted that because three of his starters are Jewish as are most of his box seat holders, he was forced to make this change in scheduling. The goyim in Boston are enraged at Epstein’s decision. Protests are being tendered to the Commissioner of Baseball’s office. However Commissioner Bud Selig will not be able to address these protests, mainly due to his own scheduling problem with his family seders. Also unavailable to attend the opener was Al Gore who will be attending seders at his son in law’s home, Bill and Hillaria Clinton who will be attending seders at the home of their daughter’s boyfriend and Ex NYC Mayor Rudi Guiliani whose wife will be preparing their family seder.

Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover? A: So we can Seder right words.

Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction? A: A matzochist.

"Viagra is banned during Pesach, along with all other agents causing things to rise." -- L. M. Kimmelman

Remember that it was Charlton Heston and his wife, Lilly Munster, who led you out of Egypt (no thanks to Dathan Edward G. – where’s your Moses nooooow - Robertson)

Who deserves the Afikomen? Wouldn't you think that the person who plans, the person who changes the pots and the pans, the person who suffers the elbowing crowd, and brings home the matzoh meal, bloody and bowed,who battles the butcher, accumulates plates,and races the clock to those Passover dates,who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs, and goes around muttering "nobody cares", who fixes charoset and karpos and eggs, and winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs, wouldn't you think when the matzoh is hid, SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid?

It was in the great market in ancient Rome that Marcus Brutus Goldstein, a poor tailor, made Togas and sold them at his stall in the marketplace. As was his wont, he shouted out his wares for sale, "Togas! - Finest Togas in all Rome!" he would shout, but alas, business was not good. Finally, a friend suggested that since the weather was getting rather cold, he could increase business by lining the garments with a fine quality wool lining. Marcus agreed and proceeded to line hisTogas using the finest quality Kashmir lining. And so, from that day forward, he could be heard loudly and proudly proclaiming throughout the marketplace,"Kashmir in togas!"

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and has a tattoo of a Hamentashen put on her right thigh just below her bikini line with "Happy Purim" underneath and a tattoo of piece of matzah put on her left thigh with "Happy Pesach" underneath. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Purim and Pesach!"

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?" The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

Yesterday I noticed an American Indian in full regalia with a long feather headdress raising his right hand and saying "some" to all the women walking by. I went up to him and said, "Don't you mean 'how'"? He looked at me and said, "Me know how. Me want some."

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the?attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the Cockpit - it's now referred to as the Box Office"

REJECTED MOTEL SIX SLOGANS
16) We're working on that smell thing, too.
15) Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14) As seen on "COPS".
13) If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the sheets.
12) Not just for nooners anymore.
11) We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10) You rented the room, now buy the video.
9) Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8) We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7) Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6) We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*.
5) It's Hookerriffic!
4) Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3) Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2) Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother.
and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
1) We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.She said: I want to keep my house.He said: That's fine with me.She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.He said: That's fine with me.She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays ...

In original native culture of Thailand, when males reach the age of 18 they participate in a ceremony as follows: They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward. A beautiful naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle. Behind each male is a beautiful naked girl. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach through between their legs, pull their erect penises downward and then release them. Their penises spring back up and go"WHAP!" against their bellies. This is considered a measurement of strength of masculinity. And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office in Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a Nairobi private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Church : YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS.WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
In a Japanese cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Isn't the English language fun! ;)
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH can stand for O as in DoughIf PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor
If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette
If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."