Friday Funnies March 2 07

"How many of you have money in the stock market? Not anymore. ... At one point today, the market was down over 500 points. ... The drop started after the attempted assassination on Vice President Dick Cheney. See that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. ... Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It's always had a green theme -- money and envy." --Jay Leno

"Sunday are the Academy Awards. ... How about Al Gore? That movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth', has been nominated for two Academy Awards. It's all about the environment. I can't think of anything better for the environment than an event which features 2,000 stretch limousines" --David Letterman

"It is Oscar weekend. ... Among Best Picture nominees is 'Letters from Iwo Jima,' which is a gut-wrenching tragedy about an army sent to die in a hopeless cause by a fanatical government. Or, as George Bush calls it, 'the feel-good comedy of the year.' ... Up against that is 'The Queen,' the story of a woman born to rule, but hated because she is unable to show human emotions. Which Hillary Clinton calls 'the feel-good comedy of the year'" --Bill Maher

"The U.S. government has hired several psychics to help find Osama bin Laden. So far the psychics haven't been able to locate bin Laden, but they do predict soon he'll find true love." --Conan O'Brien

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.

The difference between a condom and a coffin, one gets you coming and the other going.

After Bubba moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a neighbor asked how he liked living in the country. "It was difficult at first," Bubba replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour. "The incredulous neighbor asked "A paramour? Does your wife know?" "Sure," said Bubba. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

A man went into the drugstore and asked for a deodorant. "The ball type?" asked the clerk. "No," said the dumb man. "It's for my underarms."

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain: death, taxes and being screwed by a lawyer.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" replied the clerk. That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we have ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

A woman calls her obstetrician's office. Woman: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there [giggle]." Receptionist: "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?" "No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have an orgasm." "I'm sorry, did you say 'orgasm'?" "Yes. Am I doing them right?" “I would say so!."

I went to a fine restaurant yesterday that's famous for its gigantic salad plates. They feature a number of the standard dressings as well as several exotic and unusual ones. When there's a salad bar I usually take samples of several dressing types and distribute them onto different areas of my salad plate. With the exception of ranch, I enjoy most salad dressings equally well, and I'm always a bit befuddled when the waiter asks me to chose just one. This time I boldly suggested that perhaps he could merely provide me with a small dash of each type of available salad dressing so that I might experience some of each. "Ahh, ha!," he replied, "You want 'The Works!'" "Well, yes," I replied,"except for the ranch dressing. I really don't care for that. Please don't throw a ranch into the works."

All the obits written about Saddam were incomplete. All left out a complete listing of all his surviving sons and daughters. A corrected paragraph follows:He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15 sons:
Sooflay, a restaurateur;
Guday, who lives in Australia;
Huray, a sports fanatic;
Sashay, who is gay;
Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa;
Sayhay, a baseball player;
Ojay, a stalker and murderer;
Gulay, a singer and entertainer;
Ebay, an Internet entrepreneur;
Biliray, a country music star;
Ecksray, a radiologist;
Puray, a manufacturer of kitchen blenders;
Raygay, who lives in Jamaica;
and Tupay, who is bald.
Saddam is also survived by seven daughters:
Lattay, a coffee-shop owner;
Bufay, a big eater;
Dushay, owner of a feminine-care-products company;
Phayray, an actress;
Sapheway, a grocery store owner;
Ollay, who lives in Mexico;
and Gudlay, a prostitute.
There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been disowned by the family.

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"Man: "What sins?"Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"Man: "I'm Jewish."Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...." "The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele". Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?" "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?