Friday Funnies August 31 07

"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban.... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" -- David Letterman

"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate .Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." -- Jay Leno

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." -- Jay Leno

"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." – Jon Stewart

"President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business.... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." -- Jay Leno

"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" -- Jay Leno

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, very anti-gay conservative Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport men's room. Today the senator's office said it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently what happened was when the senator went in to use the restroom, he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis." --Jay Leno

"The undercover police officer said the senator tried to reach under the stall to touch him, but the senator said, no, he wasn't trying to touch him, he was only trying to pick up a piece of paper off the floor. Who picks up paper off the floor in the men's room? I don't even like when my shoe laces touch the floor in the men's room." --Jay Leno

"You know who I feel sorry for in this whole thing? The undercover cop. How'd you like to have that job. Sit in an airport bathroom all day, your pants around your ankles with a coffee and a donut waiting for guys to hit on you." --Jay Leno

"There's another scandal in Washington. One of the senator's from Idaho, Larry Craig, was arrested in airport men's room. Gives new meaning to the word 'caucusing.'" --David Letterman

"The way I look at it, anyone who spends more than two minutes in an airport men's room is guilty of something." --David Letterman

"The police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want gay sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in the military, which I think, shows he doesn't let his personal needs interfere with his work." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Larry Craig's bathroom incident

"Sen. Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, after months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he's going to resign. Gonzales said, 'There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why." --David Letterman

"Russian leader Vladimir Putin -- have you seen this guy? He gets his picture taken a lot with his shirt off. We used to have a pantless president, they've got a shirtless president. He was named 'Sexiest Commie Alive' ... nearly edging out Hugo Chavez and Kim Jong-Il. ... But people are stunned the Russian president appearing in public without a shirt. And I was thinking, 'Well heck, our president often appears in public without a brain'" --David Letterman

"The good news is that President Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. The bad news is she is marrying Rudolph Giuliani. ... Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding. ... Jenna announced her engagement two weeks ago, although President Bush knew about it over a month ago from some wiretaps. ... If you'd like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell." -Jay Leno

"I read this in the paper today: A restaurant in West Virginia is selling a 10-pound hamburger. It comes with lettuce, tomato, and an organ donor card." - Jay Leno

Investment tips for 2007 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudi DoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally ...9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm is handmade.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
That must've been scary", said the teacher. It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say " Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

What does a blonde say when she gives birth? Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill? Because it kept falling out.
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? After a dye job.
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? They're doing research on black holes.
What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? They both have black roots.
Why are there no dumb brunettes? Peroxide.
How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping? The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Justice Ruth Ginsberg had been on the court for a while when a friend invited her on a fishing trip. They got to the lake and he suggested they rent a rowboat. "No, let's just use our wading boots and cast from the shore," she said. He continued for a while on the merits of them both relaxing in the rowboat together. Finally, she answered emphatically, "No, I'm going to use my wading boots, and I don't want to hear a single word more about it." "Why so emotional?" her friend asked. Justice Ginsberg said, "I think its long past the time to put the row vs. wade argument behind us!"

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:
1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it...like humor...but different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume...Must you really marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
AND REMEMBER...If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Why the " SH" is so important in YIDDISH ?
· SH MOK
· SH LEPER
· SH NORER
· SH LIMAZL
· SH LUMIEL
· SH VANTZ
· SH VITZER
· SH MENDRIK
· SH PAIEN OIFN KEIVER
· SH TIPN ARAIN
· SH TEIN UN HOISN
· SH TARK VI A FERD
· SH TARK VI AIZN
· SH IKLDIKE OIGN
· SH PILKES IN TUCHES
· SH EINER TUCHES
· SH MUTZIKE CHAIE
· SH VARTZE IORN
· SH VARTZE CHAIE
· SH TIK FLEISH
· SH TIK DREK
· FOILE SHTIK
· ER PISHT OIF SHTEINER
· "DI LEVONE SHAINT, DI SHTERN BLITZN, DER POTZ SH TEIT UN DI EIER SHVITZN"
· SH EINE REINE KAPURE
· SH EIGUETZ
· SH KUTZEM
· SH TARBT AVEK
· And the most important , stays in a happy place: The Sh ikse...

Midrash of the Two Brothers: Old and New Versions
THE FAMILIAR MIDRASH VERSION
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "I have a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while my brother has no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain. Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "I live by myself whereas my brother has so many mouths to feed." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain. One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and hugged and kissed each other.And it is on that hill that the Temple was built.
THE UPDATED VERSION
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - wife, sons, and daughters. The second lived by himself. It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "We have so many mouths to feed whereas my brother has only but himself." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain. Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "My brother has a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while I have no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain. One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and yelled at each other and beat each other up. And it is on that hill that the Knesset was built.