Friday Funnies June 8 07

I don't think President Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory. - Jay Leno

"How about that thing over the weekend? The authorities busted that plot. They were going blow up the pipeline to JFK. ... Here's the scary part: it turned out the guys doing this ... were called homegrown terrorists. And who says President Bush hasn't created new jobs?" --David Letterman

"There are three new books out this week about Hillary Clinton. One for each of her positions on the Iraq war." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is paying his wife $125,000 a year to help him write his speeches. She's writing his speeches for him ... and you can tell. Like last week, he gave a speech about what awful bitches the first two wives were." --Jay Leno

"During last night's Democratic debate, all the candidates said that if they were elected, they would get rid of the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy for gay soldiers. 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' will be replaced by the new policy, 'Don't Tell Me You're Wearing Those Boots With That Gun.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on 'Larry King Live.' When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, 'I swear, he was like that when I got here'" --Conan O'Brien

"Pearls of wisdom are beads of folly shrink-wrapped for the simple minded." -- Yasha Harari

Wise words on golf:

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. - Don Carter

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. - Lee Trevino

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray. - Lee Trevino

A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question. “Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.

Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.- Ken Venturi on Art Rosenbaum

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray. - Bruce Lansky

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you and the fastest are those behind.

I’ve had a good day when I don’t fall out of the cart. - Buddy Hackett

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club don’t you? - Ben Hogan

All the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing:
1. Keep your head down.
2. Follow through.
3. Be born with money.

My body is here but my mind has already teed off.

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. Keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses......................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the....................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of........................termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but.......................how?
6. Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
7. No news is............................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a..................................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..........................math.
10. If you lie down with dogs you'll...........stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust........................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...........................pig.
13. An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...........................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is.......................................not much.
17. Two's company, three's..........................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what........you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry.........and you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as........................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you.................see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind................get out of the way!
and lastly----
25. Better late.......................................than pregnant

Just a few facts of life to brighten you day.

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually, you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime, 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home will have examined the contents of your dirty laundry basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. (Mouth herpes.)

Daily you will breathe in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
Have a great day!

I'm Glad I'm a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman,
yes I am, yes I am,
I don't live off of Budweiser,
Beer Nuts and Spam;

I don't brag to my buddies
about my erections,
I won't drive to Hell
before I ask for directions;

I don't get wasted at parties,
and act like a clown,
And I know how to put
that damned toilet seat down;

I won't grab your hooters,
I won't pinch your butt,
My belt buckle's not hidden
beneath my beer gut;

And I don't go around
"re-adjusting" my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan
when my headboard gets a notch;

I don't belch in public,
I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see-
I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman,
I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have body hair
like shag carpeting;

It doesn't grow from my ears
or cover my back,
When I lean over you can't see
3 inches of crack;

And what's on my head
doesn't leave with my comb,
I'll never buy a toupee
to cover my dome;

Or have a few hairs
pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know-
I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think
its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs
and squat when I pee;

I don't live to play golf
and shoot basketball,
I don't swagger and spit
like a Neanderthal;

I don't long for male bonding,
I don't cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men,
or think with my dick;

I won't tell you my wife
just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket
to hide that gold band;

Or tell you a story
to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over
and fall sound asleep;

Yes, I'm so very glad
I'm a woman, you see,
Forget all about
that old penis envy;

I'm a woman by chance
and I'm thankful, it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman
and not a man like you!

I'm Glad I'm a Man

I'm glad I'm a man,
you better believe,
I don't live off of yogurt,
diet coke, cottage cheese;

I don't bitch to my girlfriends
about the size of my breasts,
I can get where I want to -
north, south, east or west;

I don't get wasted
after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink
I don't end up in tears;

I won't spend hours
deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max
fixing my hair;

And I don't go around
checking my reflection,
In everything shiny window
from every direction;

I don't whine in public
and make us leave early,
And when you ask why
get all bitter and surly;

I'm glad I'm a man,
I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have to sit around
waiting for that ring!

I don't gossip about friends
or stab them in the back,
I don't carry our differences
into the sack;

I'll never go psycho
and threaten to kill you,
Or think every guy out there's
trying to steal you;

I'm rational, reasonable,
and logical too,
I know what the time is
and I know what to do;

And I honestly think
its a privilege for me,
To have these two balls
and stand when I pee;

I live to watch sports
and play all sorts of ball,
It's more fun than dealing
with women after all;

I won't cry if you say
it's not going to work,
I won't remain bitter
and call you a jerk!

Feel free to use me
for immediate pleasure,
I won't assume
it's permanent by any measure;

Yes, I'm so very glad
I'm a man, you see,
I'm glad I'm not capable
of child delivery;

I don't get all bitchy
every 28 days,
I'm glad that my gender
gets me a much bigger raise;

I'm a man by chance
and I'm thankful it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a man
and not a woman like you!

At the start of the fashionable matrimonial month of June, a fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night, goes to his mother and asks, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
An Englishman throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.
An American takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.
A Chinese eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
A Japanese drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.
An Israeli sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.
A Palestinian blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid; takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where: The Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.

Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder
whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?" "Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris. Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks,"Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?" "No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be OK if I pray while I smoke?" To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."

An English professor brought a parrot back to a pet shop and complained to shopkeeper that the parrot was using improper language. "The owner said, "I'm very surprised, because I've never taught that bird to swear." "Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

This was a submission to a Mothers day contest on the Ellen Show.
So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right—their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth. And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "Simple, it was an 'ID ten T' error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, just in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned. " I am certain this error will occur again. Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote it down. I D 1 0 T I used to like Harold.