"Carter actually said George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said, 'No, that's not true.' He said he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C-minus in history." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at his ranch in Texas, President Bush hosted the leader of NATO. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'Maybe some day I could visit you in Natonia.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil." --Jay Leno
"I'm happy to report that Vice President Dick Cheney has returned from the Middle East. And he certainly straightened that mess out. ... He made a stop in Egypt, as a matter of fact, on the way home. Apparently, Halliburton wants to rebuild the pyramids." --David Letterman
"I kid the president. What a week he had. It was a bittersweet moment. He was in the Rose Garden for the last time with his long-time lover Tony Blair. As you know, Tony Blair is stepping down as prime minister and made his final visit to the U.S. There they were in the Rose Garden defending together their decision to go to war in Iraq. Dick Cheney had to be restrained, because usually when he sees two lame ducks, you know." --Bill Maher
"The man who is described often as the architect of the Iraq war, Paul Wolfowitz, who went on to be the head of the World Bank, is finally stepping down. Leave it to the Bush people to find the one Jew who can't run a bank." --Bill Maher
"The 12 million people who are here illegally are going to have to go back home to their home countries, touch base, pay a $5,000 fine and then reapply. Also, you have to prove you've never broken the law here or you can't get back in. So, Alberto Gonzales is really screwed." --Bill Maher
"Under this new immigration deal, illegal aliens can become legal by paying a fine of $5,000. Where are they going to get that? The only aliens who can afford that are starting for the Yankees." --Jay Leno
"Lieutenant General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon's director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room to yell, 'Not it!'" --Amy Poehler
"Do you know the story of Shrek? Shrek is a beastly ogre ... and he marries into a family of royalty. Then, eventually, he goes on to become governor of California." --David Letterman
"Toyota introduced a luxury hybrid car that costs $125,000. The luxury hybrid is perfect for the person who wants to be environmentally conscious, but still wants to look like a selfish a-hole." --Conan O'Brien
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Iowa were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
Palindromes;
Don't nod
Dogma: I am God
Never odd or even
Too bad – I hid a boot
Rats live on no evil star
No trace; not one carton
Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?
Murder for a jar of red rum
May a moody baby doom a yam?
Go hang a salami; I'm a lasagna hog!
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
A Toyota! Race fast... safe car: a Toyota
Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts
Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
Doc Note: I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod
No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention
Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna
Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus
Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak
Some men interpret nine memos
Campus Motto: Bottoms up, Mac
Go deliver a dare, vile dog!
Madam, in Eden I'm Adam
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
Ah, Satan sees Natasha
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Do geese see God?
God saw I was dog
Dennis sinned
Never odd or even
Too bad – I hid a boot
Rats live on no evil star
No trace; not one carton
Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?
Murder for a jar of red rum
May a moody baby doom a yam?
Go hang a salami; I'm a lasagna hog!
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
A Toyota! Race fast... safe car: a Toyota
Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts
Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
Doc Note: I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod
No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention
Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna
Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus
Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak
Some men interpret nine memos
Campus Motto: Bottoms up, Mac
Go deliver a dare, vile dog!
Madam, in Eden I'm Adam
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
Ah, Satan sees Natasha
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Do geese see God?
God saw I was dog
Dennis sinned
A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!" The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screamingwith the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "Hecan't run -- he has four balls. "The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.That's a judo chop from Japan", he says. The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a fucking hockey stick from Canadian Tire".
A Hillbilly walks past a sign saying 'SAY NO TO CRACK' and pulls his trousers up
Redneck Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.That's a judo chop from Japan", he says. The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a fucking hockey stick from Canadian Tire".
A Hillbilly walks past a sign saying 'SAY NO TO CRACK' and pulls his trousers up
Redneck Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in'em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, But beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, But I bet I can make yer " bed-rock."
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, We kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,.....every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Anagrams:
X-Rated Movies - Sex video-mart
Life Sucks - I Fuck Less
I have a large penis - I please her vagina
President Clinton of the USA - To copulate, he finds interns
Catholicism - Comical Shit
Masturbation - Anatomist Rub
Anal retentive - A latrine event
I have a large penis - He is plain average
The traveling salesman - Vaginas: enters them all
The menstrual cycle - My cunt creates hell
Axl Rose - Oral sex
Large breasts - Great braless
Husband and wife - Fun was had in bed
The ménage à trois - A giant threesome!
Sleeping together - Get their legs open
Feeling romantic - Flaming erection!
Kissing couples - Spouses licking
Man + penis + Viagra - Sperm in a vagina
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and, therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." They were singing it beautifully. But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard." "Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor. "You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "What are they called?" "Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor, "They're the Moron Tappin’ Apple Choir."
A devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his fortune. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!” “Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Moishe Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made. When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moishe explained."Ve Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth. "The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moishe then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, vonce in a vile I like a ham sandvich."
Anagrams:
X-Rated Movies - Sex video-mart
Life Sucks - I Fuck Less
I have a large penis - I please her vagina
President Clinton of the USA - To copulate, he finds interns
Catholicism - Comical Shit
Masturbation - Anatomist Rub
Anal retentive - A latrine event
I have a large penis - He is plain average
The traveling salesman - Vaginas: enters them all
The menstrual cycle - My cunt creates hell
Axl Rose - Oral sex
Large breasts - Great braless
Husband and wife - Fun was had in bed
The ménage à trois - A giant threesome!
Sleeping together - Get their legs open
Feeling romantic - Flaming erection!
Kissing couples - Spouses licking
Man + penis + Viagra - Sperm in a vagina
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and, therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." They were singing it beautifully. But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard." "Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor. "You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "What are they called?" "Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor, "They're the Moron Tappin’ Apple Choir."
A devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his fortune. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!” “Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Moishe Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made. When he arrived in New York, the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moishe explained."Ve Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth. "The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moishe then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, vonce in a vile I like a ham sandvich."
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