Friday Funnies March 30 07

"Some members of Congress are thinking about impeaching President Bush because he is adamant about not withdrawing troops. What are the odds of that? That's pretty ironic -- two presidents in a row would be impeached for not pulling out?" --Jay Leno

"According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno

I think the pressure is starting to get to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Did you hear about today? He tried to fire the cast of 'Boston Legal.'" --Jay Leno

"While on Capitol Hill today, Al Gore testified that if we act now, we can still save the planet. Well, not the whole planet. Except Florida. He said screw them." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore returned to Congress yesterday. Everyone said Al Gore was treated like a rock star. Did you see him? I think the rock star was Meat Loaf."

"Al Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn't be a political issue, it should be a moral issue. And Congress went, 'A moral issue? What's that?'" "He said that in the future our energy sources will work similar to how the Internet works today. Really? So our cars would run on porn?" --Jay Leno

"While testifying, Al Gore was questioned by Hillary Clinton. Kind of like global warming meets global cooling." --Jay Leno

"The Ringling Brothers Circus arrived in Washington, DC, this week. That shows you the differences between the administrations. President Bush is very excited to see the circus animals. And, of course, Clinton was all excited to see the fat lady." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani, the Republican frontrunner, was in the news today. ... We thought Rudy Giuliani was [his third wife's] second husband. It turns out it's her third husband. He'll never forget 9/11. But anniversaries, he's got to write those down. ... In addition to this, Rudy's first wife was his cousin. And they say a New Yorker can't win in the South." --Bill Maher

"Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher

Joe was teeing off from the back tees. On his down swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing, he nailed the ball, hit Mary directly in the right temple, killing her instantly. A few days later Joe received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy. "Joe, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?" "Yes sir," Joe replied, "that's correct." "Well, Joe, I also found a large bruise on Mary's right hip. Do you know anything about that?" "Yes sir," Joe said, "That would have been my mulligan."

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?" Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields. God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?" Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.

A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he is the new doctor. He just likes to call the shots around here."

On the night before his honeymoon, a young husband to be, who is a member of the Parti Quebecois was listening to his father's last advice, who is also a PQ supporter. My son, when you walk into your bedroom, you pick up your wife in your arms, because a Quebecer is strong! And you throw her on the bed because a Quebecer is manly! And then, you take your clothes off because a Quebecer is proud! The next day, the father asked his son how everything went. So the son, tells his father: "I done as you told me, mon pere, I picked her up in my arms to take her to the bedroom, because a Quebecer is strong! And then I throw her on the bed, because a Quebecer, is manly! Then, I took off my clothes, because a Quebecer, is proud! "and then" - asked the father – “Then I masturbated, because a Quebecer is INDEPENDENT!”

A Fool's Guide to ScienceString Theory:
The Shmatta Industry is the fabric of the Universe.

Wave Theory: How 100,000 stadium fans demonstrate synchronicity.

Tangible: Products that can be freeze-dried and powdered for use in space.

Relativity: Family get-togethers at Christmas / Hanukah / Kwanzaa.

Gravity: Strength of a glass of beer.

Time travel: Throwing the alarm clock at the wall.

Black holes: What you get in black socks.

Density: A measure of thickness, in mind, body and spirit.

Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers.

Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore.

Moore's Law: Properties of Science which basically killed Morse Code.

Hubble's Law: When you're too old to run, you limp along 'til you crash and burn.

Infinity: Travel magazine of the boundless adventurer, Phinneas Finity.

First Aid: Chief Assistant.

He was sooooo
…......cheap that he ate beans to save money on bubble bath
.....cheap that he died of oneberculosis
.....cheap that he wouldn’t even tip in a canoe
.....crooked that he could stand in the shadow of a corkscrew
.....crooked that when he pulled the wool over your eyes it was 50 percent polyester
.....cross-eyed that when he cried, the tears from his left eye landed on his right cheek

.....dull that his dog got bored and left him

.....fat that he could only play seek

.....fat that he had to make two trips when he left the house

.....lazy that he married a pregnant woman

.....nervous that he kept coffee awake

.....rich that the Joneses try to keep up with him

.....self-conscious that when he went to a football game and the players went into a huddle, he thought they were talking about him

.....slow that they had to show him how the wastebasket worked the first day on his new job

.....thin that when he closed one eye he could pass for a needle

.....vain that he had his X rays retouched.

His nose was so big that he could smoke a cigar in the shower.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary." "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back as we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell. The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell. The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder. St. Peter said, Verrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St Peter fainted.

For those of you who get pretty stressed out around Seder time preparing for 43 people or so!

The Two-Minute Haggadah
-A Passover service for the impatient.
By Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?
Answers:1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple and enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues:
Blood,
Frogs,
Lice-you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough.
If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.
If he'd parted the Red Sea-(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)Eat matzoh.
Drink more wine.
Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.CHECK SCORE OF PLAYOFF GAME

If the Passover Story Were Reported by CNN or the New York Times it Might Go Like This:
The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me."
While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society."Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower G-d. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues."The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. "If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them," Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.

A Woman's Prayer for Passover: by Esther Blaustein 1971
L-rd, let not the line at the supermarket be too long
Let the produce be fresh and crisp and let there be just one more jar of Kosher-for-Passover mayonnaise left.You see, Lord, I forgot that there is school next week and tuna fish falls off matzoh sandwiches so easily when it is not held together with enough mayonnaise.
G-d, please let everyone be well for the two Seder nights
And while You are at it, could you please make it the rest of the year too?And if you do not make me spend so many hours
Swabbing chickenpox with calamine lotion
I promise that I will devote my leisure
To ecology, UJA, JHA and things like that.
Almighty G-d, let the children behave at the seder table
For I have labored so long to make everything right and lovely.
Suffer not their little fingers to spill wine on the tablecloth and carpeting.It never seems to come out.
And let them pipe the Mah Nishtanah and the Chad Gadya
In such abundant glee and wisdom
As to make the car pool to Hebrew School worth it.
Ruler of the Universe, it seems that I will never get all these dishes changed
And everyone's clothes ready, and all the chametz out of the house in time.
So remember, Dear Lord,To please make sure that the cleaning woman shows up.
Creator of the World let each year have our table be fuller
Not only with Your bounty, but with people.
All our loved ones, dear friends, new babies,
And young lovers shyly brought home for approval.
And let this year begin, and next year see
Our banquet seats overflowing
With our long-lost Jews who crouch in fear in countries other than ours.
G-d of Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob, Rachel and Leah
Let me not,In the hustle and rush of preparation,
Forget what the Passover really means.

The Ballad of Mo Amramson. (Sung to "The Ballad of Jed Clampett")
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Mo,
His people they were slaves to the evil Pharoah,
Until one day he was lookin' at a bush,
And he heard the voice of God, though he wasn't a lush
---The LORD, that is, I AM, The Big G.

Next thing you know, Mo's talkin' to Pharoah,
Mo says, "God said you gotta let my people go!"
But the king says, "No, they always will be slaves to me!
"So God sent down ten big plagues on Pharoah's whole country
---Blood 'n frogs, that is,Pestilence,Special effects.

When the first borns died,
Pharoah sent the Jews away,
They ran and ate some matzoh
on that very happy day,
So now we have our Seder
to commemorate that feat
---We drink some wine and talk a lot,
we sing and also eat!
Matzoh, that is,Maror too.And good food.
Y'all come back now, y'hear!

Just a Tad of Charoset (Sung to the tune of "Just a spoon full of sugar")Chorus:Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.

Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharoh.
They sweat and toiled and labored through the day.
So when we gather pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,To feel what they went through.

Chorus
So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,We swear we won't forget.That......

Chorus
While the maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although maror seems full of minuses,It sure does clear our sinuses.But what's to do?It's hard to be a Jew!!!

Chorus
Same time next year (to the tune of "Makin' Whoopee")
Another pesach, another year,
The family seder with near and dear
...Our faces shining,
All thoughts of dining
Are put on hold now.
We hear four questions,
The answer given
Recalls the Jews from Egypt driven.
The chrain is bitter, (charoses better!)
Please pass the matzoh.

Why is this evening differentFrom all the other nights?
This year the Jews all over
Are free to perform the rites.
A gorgeous dinner
--who can deny it--
Won't make us thinner,
to hell with diet!
It's such great cooking
...and no one's looking,
So just enjoy it.

Moving along at steady clip
Elijah enters, and takes a sip;
And then the singing with voices ringing
Our laughter mingling.When singing about Chad Gad Ya.
Watch close or your place you'll lose,
For Echad Mi Yodea:Which tune shall we use?
We pray next Pesach
We'll all be here.
It's a tradition...Same time next year
...So fill it up now, the final cup now,Next year at ____________