Friday Funnies April 18 07

"Speaking about his Mormon religion, (Mitt Romney) said he can't imagine anything worse than polygamy. He said he can't imagine anything worse than having more than one wife. Then Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton was a speaker at the global warming summit. He says that he has been very, very concerned about global warming. As a matter of fact, earlier this week, another chunk of ice fell off his wife" --David Letterman

"The government in Iran has now forbidden men to trim their eyebrows or use hair gel. Iran's spokesperson said, 'It's not a religious issue. We just don't want our men to look like Ryan Seacrest.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tony Blair, prime minister of England, is stepping down. He said he wanted to spend more time humping Bush's leg. ... He said he hopes people remember him as the people's poodle." --Bill Maher

"They didn't have the heart to tell Bush. They didn't say Blair was gone. They just said he went to live on a farm." --Bill Maher

"Hamas has started a new children's show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism and hatred toward America and Israel. Farfur replaces the network's previous children's show, Dora the Exploder." --Seth Meyers

"Last week, Oprah Winfrey endorsed Barack Obama for president. Said Obama, 'That's great, but I was kinda hoping for a car'" --Amy Poehler

"The president said today he would go along with Congress' request to establish benchmarks regarding Iraq. For example, the Iraqi government would have to show results by certain dates before they are given any more money. Forget Iraq. Why don't we try that here?" --Jay Leno

The news says Daimler Chrysler will not be sold to Frank Stronach and Magna but instead to New York equity and pension fund giant Cerberus. While we’re on the topic, here are a few Chrysler quips.

Once upon a time, Chrysler chair Robert Eaton turned down a takeover offer from former chair Lee Iaccoca and Las Vegas billionaire Kirk Kerkorian. Eaton said that the terms of the offer were acceptable, but that the result of merging Kirk Kerkorian, Iaccoca and Chrysler would be "too many K's."

Lexus engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are air-tight. They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They would check the car again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the test. Chrysler heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in one of their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in 24 hours, the cat was gone.

This is a REAL ad from the paper. It was clipped out of the WANT ADS (Boston paper).1980 Chrysler Lebaron. Owned by my grandfather. 19K orig mi. No rust, was garaged. Several lg dents in drs and front fender due to grandpa`s 1920`s style driving. Runs as good as the day it was new, which is to say pathetic. This is the Chrysler that made Toyota so popular.Let’s hope Chrysler never gets into the fax machine business because, God knows, they have enough transmission problems already!

A cop stops a drunk and says he’s going to have to give him a Breathalyzer. The drunk slurs,”Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" The officer says it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much." The drunk says,"Well whaddya know ossifer! I've been married to one of those for years!"

A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "OK, get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asks. He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." Giggling she asks, "But what about the smell?" He replies, "Just hold his little nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same. Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks. There were only three survivors: George, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both George and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but George, Darren managed to get through it, and after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and George and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. Soooooo................they buried her.

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him and got a woman. "Is John there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is John," he said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he replied."That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

When Marty proposed to his girl friend she said, "I love the simple things in life, Marty, but I don't want one of them for a husband."

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

A lovely young pop star named Britney
Said all this clean livin’ ain’t fittin’ me.
She turned into a boozer
Then married a loser
And has become our very next Whitney.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 4 and 5 and 7 and 27?" Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Davies's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman."The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom."

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction, sir," the dentist replied."£85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40.""How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ha ve yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" "It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5, but it's going to be very traumatic." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for me wife next Tuesday then?"

"Hello ... You have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis.
If you are Orthodox, press 1.
If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
If you are Reform, press any button you like.
If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
Please hold while I transfer your call.
1) Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is forbidden by the Torah.
2) Hello. You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has been helpful.
3) Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to say?
4) Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionist rabbi. The answer to your question presumes there is an answer to your question. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question, please hang up now.

A Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried. So they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking many questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements. The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit the family again. He tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says she's just the right age for the son... she keeps a Glatt Kosher home... she regularly attends Schul and davens by heart... she is a wonderful cook...she loves children and wants a large family and, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous. After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But the son pauses and asks, "Is she also good in bed ?" The marriage broker answers, "Some say yes...some say no."