Friday Funnies May 4 07

May the fourth be with you!

"Yesterday, President Bush visited a school in New York City. Before his visit, the city filled in all the potholes near the school. Not only that, before the president's visit, the school hid all the sharp objects and covered the electric sockets with plastic protectors." --Conan O'Brien

"The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. ... Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because 'she can't think of a better cheerleader for America.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'I can think of 20 and I have their phone numbers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yahoo announced they're going to host the first ever online presidential debate. Why Yahoo? Why not on a eBay? Candidates end up going to the highest bidder anyway" --Jay Leno

"President Bush sneaked into town yesterday. ... He landed his helicopter right in Central Park. Security was very tight. He stepped out of the helicopter and Cheney covered him with his shotgun. " --David Letterman

"The good news is that Bush's trip to New York City was successful. He got Rosie to step down." --David Letterman

"Rosie O'Donnell has announced she is leaving 'The View.' After she made the announcement, she shaved her head and checked into rehab. ...

Do you believe the turnover at that show? My God. It makes the Iraqi government look stable" --David Letterman

"How about that Rosie O'Donnell thing? She has left 'The View' and is rumored to be hiding in the mountainous region of Afghanistan." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, down in Washington, DC, it was Malaria Awareness Day. Here's the sad part ... a confused President Bush sent 20,000 troops to Malaria" --David Letterman

"The Deputy Secretary of State, Randall Tobias, a 65-year-old married guy who for years was President Bush's person in charge of promoting abstinence, has resigned after he admitted he hired women from a Washington, D.C., escort service. He said he only used the women for massages. Oh, shut up. The big question is not if we believe him or even if President Bush believes him, but does Mrs. Tobias believe him?" --Jay Leno

"These were $300-an-hour prostitutes ... which is pretty amazing when you realize John Edwards was paying $400 and all he got was a haircut." --Jay Leno

"When the White House heard about this scandal, they were relieved. Finally, a Republican caught in a sex scandal with a woman." --Jay Leno

"Prince Harry is in the military over there in Britain. He says he wants to go to Iraq to fight. ... But the British newspapers say that when he gets there, he may be ordered to serve behind a desk. And today, former President Bill Clinton called him and said, 'You know, sitting behind a desk ain't that bad'" --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow Saddam Hussein would have been 70 years old. If you're looking for a gift, he could really use an air conditioner." --David Letterman

What did Delaware to the party? Her New Jersey!

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35". He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches". Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night". Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed"

Q: Why is sex like a roller coaster?A: It goes like this - you get it on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top. There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited. Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on. The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark, sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always...always...at the end, there's a big smile on the face, hair is all messed up and everyone is talking about how great it is while some of them say, "I wanna go again"...

Having had one too many, a man at a bar was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey, how about it babe-you and me?" The woman got up to move away from the drunk, and as she did, the man said loudly, "Honey, you look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

The Old Man’s Penis Poem (not that any of us are that old yet!)
Your nookie days are over,
Your pilot light is out,
What used to be your sex appeal,
Is now your water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From your trousers it would spring,
But now you've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch you shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives you the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch you tie your shoes.

So a married couple walked into this shoe shop. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on de wrong feet!"

A native American was being interviewed by a government agent for assistance:"Your name, please"? “Crowing Rooster.”"Sex?" "Six times a week"."I mean male or female?" "Both male & female and sometimes even goats.""Holy cow!" "Yes, cows & dogs too"."Man, isn't that hostile?" "Horse Style, dog style, any style!"Oh dear!""Deer? No deer. Deer run too fast. Ass too high!”

McDonalds ... $5
Pizza ... $10
KFC ... $15
Getting a fat ass...
Priceless.
There are some things that money can't buy.
For everything else there's MasterCard!

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best-- everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

The Reverend Jesse was at a laundromat to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white. So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that all of them were white. The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that all the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

What the "New Job" lingo really means
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, Double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet. Helllooooo? Now just because I'm from Newfoundland doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales Guy had told me last year. ..Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves. Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year!" There was only silenceat the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a Newfoundlander again.

Gentle Thoughts From a Cynic:

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight .

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

An Oldie Goldie I just can’t resist:

JEWISH HAIKU:

After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers
the nameof her friend's disease.

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims
with great difficulty.

Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture
at my dinner table.

Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing
one's childis an internist.

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while
I put myhead in the oven.

The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.

Mom please!
There is no need to put
that dinner rollin your pocketbook.

Sorry I'm not hometo take your call.
At the tone
please state your bad news.

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh.

(for Passover)
Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

Seven-foot Jews
in the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.