Friday Funnies April 13 07

"The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Iranian President Mahmoud I'm-A-Nut-Job ... released those 15 British captives. ... He released them after they were held hostage for 13 days. Or, as we call it in this country, JetBlue." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. ... She raised $26 million. Which is kind of risky, you know. If she ends up with too much money, she may have to run as a Republican." --Jay Leno

"Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?" The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

Post-coitus Phrases by Sun Sign:
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

SUN SIGN PRAYERS
ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW !"
TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."
GEMINI: "Yo God... (or is it Goddess?) ... Who are you? ... What are you?..... Where are You? ..... How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"
CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."
LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"
VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."
LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"
SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."
SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!"
CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."
AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"
PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

Snoop Dogg Digs
Q: What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his laundry? A: blee-otch!
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg use conditioner? A: Fo' Frizzle
Q: What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his car? A: His hoes
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? A: Fo' drizzle

What do you get when you cross a bird, a car & your dog? A Flying Carpet (Flying Car-pet)!

Why were all the milk cows mad at the farmer? He had no consideration for the feelings of udders.

There was an old hermit named Moses
Who wandered about without clothes.
So in summer he got
Rather sweaty and hot,
While in winter he frozes, I supposes.

A blonde goes in to apply for a job and she fills out an application. She takes it up to the man and he says "You forgot three blanks." He asks "How old are you?" So she counts on her fingers and finally reaches 22. "Okay then, how tall are you?" So she tries to measure herself and says "Five Foot, Two Inches." "Okay then what is your name?" She nods her head back and forth for a few seconds and says "Jennifer." He says "Okay. I get how you got your age and you height, but how did you get your name by nodding your head back and forth?" She says "I was singing 'Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Jennifer.'"

An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Once there was a conference of scholars investigating ancient history. They were considering the nationality of King Darius, mentioned in the Bible as Darius the Mede. Some of those present took the different view that Darius was actually from Persia, whereas others were inclined to agree with the Bible that he was a Mede. Tempers began to flare, until one wise professor said, "Let's not argue this! After all, one man's Mede is another man's Persian."

MALE & FEMALE Procedures at a Drive-thru
ATM:MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.

An interesting reflection: Slow Down Culture (author unknown)
It's been 18 years since I joined Volvo, a Swedish company. Working for them has proven to be an interesting experience. Any project here takes 2 years to be finalized, even if the idea is simple and brilliant. It's a rule. Globalized processes have caused in us (all over the world) a general sense of searching for immediate results. Therefore, we have come to posses a need to see immediate results. This contrasts greatly with the slow movements of the Swedish. They, on the other hand, debate, debate, debate, hold x quantity of meetings and work with a slowdown scheme. At the end, this always yields better results. Said in another words: Sweden is about the size of San Pablo, a state in Brazil; Sweden has 2 million inhabitants; Stockholm , has 500,000 people; Volvo, Escania, Ericsson, Electrolux, Nokia are some of its renowned companies. Volvo supplies the NASA.The first time I was in Sweden, one of my colleagues picked me up at the hotel every morning. It was September, bit cold and snowy. We would arrive early at the company and he would park far away from the entrance (2000 employees drive their car to work). The first day, I didn't say anything, either the second or third. One morning I asked, "Do you have a fixed parking space? I've noticed we park far from the entrance even when there are no other cars in the lot." To which he replied, "Since we're here early we'll have time to walk, and whoever gets in late will be late and need a place closer to the door. Don't you think? Imagine my face.
Nowadays, there's a movement in Europe name Slow Food. This movement establishes that people should eat and drink slowly, with enough time to taste their food, spend time with the family, friends, without rushing. Slow Food is against its counterpart: the spirit of Fast Food and what it stands for as a lifestyle. Slow Food is the basis for a bigger movement called Slow Europe, as mentioned by Business Week. Basically, the movement questions the sense of "hurry"and "craziness" generated by globalization, fuelled by the desire of "having in quantity" (life status) versus "having with quality", "life quality" or the "quality of being". French people, even though they work 35 hours per week, are more productive than Americans or British. Germans have established 28.8 hour workweeks and have seen their productivity been driven up by 20%. This slow attitude has brought forth the US's attention, pupils of the fast and the "do it now!".This no-rush attitude doesn't represent doing less or having a lower productivity. It means working and doing things with greater quality, productivity, perfection, with attention to detail and less stress. It means re-establishing family values, friends, free and leisure time. Taking the "now", present and concrete, versus the "global", undefined and anonymous. It means taking humans' essential values, the simplicity of living.It stands for a less coercive work environment, more happy, lighter and more productive where humans enjoy doing what they know best how to do. It's time to stop and think on how companies need to develop serious quality with no-rush that will increase productivity and the quality of products and services, without losing the essence of spirit.In the movie, Scent of a Woman, there's a scene where Al Pacino asks a girl to dance and she replies, "I can't, my boyfriend will be here any minute now". To which Al responds, "A life is lived in an instant". Then they danceto a tango.Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time. Others are so anxious of living the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists. We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".Congratulations for reading till the end of this message. There are many who will have stopped in the middle so as not to waste time in this globalized world.If you really want to start implementing some aspects of a slow down culture back into your life, it is very easy and most appropriate to start with the Sabbath (Shabbat) - God's original day of slow down and appreciation. Instead of rushing around shopping and fighting traffic, try going to your house of worship (on Friday night or Saturday morning in synagogue for Jews, church on Sunday for most Christians) and just let go of your hectic timetable. Use the Sabbath prayers and Torah or Bible study as a weekly hiatus to appreciate your life and the wonderful physical world around you. If synagogue or church doesn't work for you, try doing your own Sabbath slow down at home and use the time to appreciate a leisurely time with your family focusing on your many blessings. Both your body and mind will appreciate the benefits of this time.