Friday Funnies August 17 07

"Last week was a busy, busy week for both major parties. Starting with the Democrats, who met for a candidates forum on Logo, the gay-oriented cable channel that is not Lifetime or Bravo. ... It was generally a friendly event, except for one William Richardson [on screen: Richardson saying homosexuality is a choice, when asked if homosexuality is a choice or it is biological]. ... Richardson then swung into damage control mode, explaining the next day he didn't understand the question because of jet lag. Yes, apparently, the governor had just flown in from the 1950s." --Jon Stewart

"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had his annual physical. And next week, Vice President Dick Cheney will have his annual autopsy. ...

The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno

This week, the government announced a new operation to crack down on the hiring of illegals here in Los Angeles. It's called Operation You're Going To Have To Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise Your Own Kids." --Jay Leno

"It pains me to say this, but a 'Tip of the Hat' to the New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven't seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing" --Stephen Colbert

"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the presidency after getting caught lying and violating the Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get you kicked out of office?" --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, President Bush's father said he gets upset when people tell him his son is doing a bad job. Bush's dad went on to say, 'You'd think after 60 years I'd be used to it.'" --Jay Leno

"The results of President's Bush's annual physical were released yesterday. It revealed that last year President Bush got a rash from a tick bite. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "A rash from a tick bite? I'll have to remember that one." --Jay Leno

"Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. [She's] a little upset. She said the problem with her husband John Edwards' fundraising -- you know, compared to the other candidates -- is she can't make him black and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem Michael Jackson's people have." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people were wondering whether President Bush would acknowledge the record. He did. In fact, he told Neil Cavuto on Fox News today that he spoke to Barry Bonds on the phone. ... See that. He does care about black people after all. ... He probably just wanted to take the rare opportunity to talk to someone whose approval rating is lower than his is." --Jimmy Kimmel

Avian Amusements
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? A bird who knocks before delivering its message!
What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird!
Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-cafe!
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? With it's sparrowchute!
What's the craziest bird? The Cuckoo.
What is green and pecks on trees? Woody Wood Pickle!
What's the adult film industry's most common bird? The Swallow.
What happened when the owl lost his voice? He didn't give a hoot!
Which bird is a member of the Hair Club for Men? The Bald Eagle.
What do you call a Scottish parrot? A Macaw!
What do you call a bird that lives underground? A mynah bird!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?A great walkie-talkie!

Bunny Humour
How does Peter Cottontail stay so healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots!
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What is a bunny's motto? "Don't be mad, be hoppy!"
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
What is a rabbit's favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon!

Raising Designations for "Levels of Alert":
- The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. - Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. - It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." - The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
- Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. - The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

A blonde with two red ears was asked by her doctor what had happened to her ears. She said, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The son-of-a-bitch called back!"

A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Deep Thoughts on Golf
- for all you duffers out there:- Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. .
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
- No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
- The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
- If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
- Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
- A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
- It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10.
- Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
- Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
- It's not a gimme if you're still away.
- The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
- There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
- You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
- If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
- Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
- When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
- Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
- If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
- To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
- There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
- Hazards attract; fair ways repel.
- You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
- If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
- It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
- Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
- A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
- Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
- A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
- That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
- If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
- Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
- A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
- It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
- If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
- It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
- You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
--Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates. 'Are you hungry, Moses?' asks God. 'I could eat,' Moses replies. So, God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.The next day God again invites him to join Him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Moses can see the denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still he says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: 'God, I am grateful
to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand.' God sighs. 'Let's be honest Moses,' he says. 'For just two people, does it pay to cook?'