Friday Funnies February 16 07

"When Al Gore presented the 'Best Album' award to the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Grammys, Al Gore said because of global warming, the Chili Peppers are now 20% hotter than they were 20 years ago." --Jay Leno

"Have you been following the story of this female astro-nut? She drove 900 miles from Houston Texas to Orlando, Fla., to confront the woman who was her romantic rival. She drove the whole time wearing a diaper so she didn't have to stop and pee. And let me tell you something ladies, nothing turns a man on more than a woman with a full diaper." --Jay Leno

"When she was arrested, she was carrying a wig, a steel mallet, some duct tape, and a knife. Or as OJ calls it, an overnight bag." --Jay Leno

"We will not be stopping for commercials tonight ... because I am wearing a diaper," - Jay Leno

Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno

"If Ralph Nader runs for president in 2008, it will make history. He will be the first person to ever run for president four times in the same suit." --Jay Leno

"I thought the only space traveler who wore a wig and an adult diaper was William Shatner." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama announced he's running for president. ... Obama gave a speech in front of thousands of people in Iowa. During the speech, Obama pointed out his family in the crowd, which was unnecessary since he was in Iowa." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

Afraid your romantic side lacked a little verschizzle this year? Comfort yourself with these Economist Valentines:Top Fourteen Economist Valentine's Day cards
14. Be My Financially Brilliant Lover.
13. My Valentine, I Love You For Preferring the 13 printed roses on this card as a token which reminds you of how spendthrifty I am.
12. You're my Sine's CoSine.
11. Love Me. I'm Budget-Wise and Cost Efficient.
10. My interest rate's about to skyrocket. Now's the time for you to invest in me.
9. Love You Tender, Yes I Do. I'll Help On Your Taxes, Too.
8. I Love You - Even More Than Market Elasticity.
7. Accruing at 3.75% per annum, we could establish a mature fortune of Love in just the next 30 years' time.
6. Let's raise a family of well-educated offspring likely to lower the unemployment rate.
5. Statistically speaking, 69 percent of your bell curves are a parabolic complement to the adjusted metaphor index of our independently energized, mutually synergistic Love, at a rate of 1:1.
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding drop off in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind. A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay. The pope said, "Sure." The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homeni, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'. First to recite his poem was the university graduate.He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The aboriginal won.

If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. -- Stanley Garn

Elton John is thinking about filing for divorce. He found out his husband is having sex behind his back.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

How did Captain Hook die? He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!!

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? Their middle name.

What did Bruce Willis find on the top of Mt. Everest? Icey dead people.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The somewhat updated top reasons to live in a Canadian Province:

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 6% instead of approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3.. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%!"

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1.. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

Crabby Old Man
What do you see, nurses? What do you see?
What are you thinking... when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man... not very wise,uncertain of habit... with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food... and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice... "I do wish you'd try!"
who seems not to notice... the things that you do.
And forever is losing... a sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not... lets you do as you will,
with bathing and feeding... the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse... you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am... as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding... as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten... with a father and mother,
brothers and sisters... who love one another.

A young boy of sixteen... with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now... a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at twenty... my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows... that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide... and a secure happy home.
A man of thirty... my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other... with ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons... have grown and are gone,
but my woman's beside me... to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more... babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children... my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me... my wife is now dead.
I look at the future... I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing… young of their own.
And I think of the years... and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man... and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age... look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles... grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone... where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass, a young guy still dwells,
And now and again... my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys... I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living… life over again.

I think of the years… all too few... gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact... that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people... open and see?
Not a crabby old man.? Look closer... See... ME!!

Remember this poem the next time you catch yourself diminishing in your mind an older person and look instead for the young soul within - we will all, one day, be there, too – should we be so fortunate!

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches" says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms, blurting out, “…No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match. And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!" "It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But - we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars". He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and..... nothing happens. "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says, "Today is Shabbos!"