Friday Funnies June 29 07

In a campaign ad that's a spoof of the big 'Sopranos' finale, Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. Anybody know the difference between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? See, Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary Clinton goes to the strip club to find her spouse" --Jay Leno

"Have you seen that campaign commercial for Hillary Clinton? It's a spoof on 'The Sopranos' finale. Bill Clinton appears in the ad too, along with the actor who played 'Johnny Sack.' Johnny Sack, which, coincidentally, was also Clinton's Secret Service codename." --Jay Leno

"The government of Iraq is under a lot of pressure from President Bush to find a fair way to share their huge oil profits. You know, like we do here in this country." --Jay Leno

"The only thing pundits enjoy more than speculating about who might run for president? Speculating about who that hypothetical person would run with [on screen: pundit saying the 'dream' ticket would be Bloomberg and Chuck Hagel]. Bloomberg-Hagel? That doesn't sound like a dream ticket. That sounds like a rare genetic disorder." --Jon Stewart

"In fact, I recommend right here, right now anybody thinking about having kids be tested for Bloomberg-Hagel. 'Vote Bloomberg-Hagel: A Better Choice Than Epstein-Barr'"--Jon Stewart

"Kind of a scandal brewing for presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. ... Yesterday, a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, 'Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine'" --Conan O'Brien

Over the weekend in the West Bank, Palestinian gunmen overtook the former home of Yasser Arafat and stole his Nobel Peace Prize. After hearing about it, the Dalai Lama said, 'If anybody messes with my Nobel Peace Prize, I will f*** them up'" --Conan O'Brien

"It has been reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service code name is 'Renegade.' Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is still using her old Secret Service name 'Ballbuster.'" --Conan O'Brien

You don’t want to get this letter home from camp!
Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Danny

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. The lady at the main desk gave me a form to fill out, wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay. What do you call it?" "A Fottle." "What else do you have?" A folding carton." "What do you call it?" "A Farton." She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife 'Ya no sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station: Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de engine and we's ready to go. 'From now on womon, when I say 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I say 'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl.' The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and the wife stripped naked! 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed! 'Bell Three' and they started to make love! After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, 'Bell Four.' 'WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?' he asked. She replied, 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE'

There was a male foursome at the men's tee watching as a female foursome were teeing off at the ladies tee. The last of the women took a mighty swing and the ball trickled five feet to the left. She teed up another and this time the ball went 8 feet to the right. The third try went straight but alas only 3 feet. Exasperated she yelled "why the hell did I take those fucking lessons". From the men's tee came the response "next time you should take golf lessons".

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Rrrroast and rrrrrice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue. "You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed. "I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES.

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $2.58. The counter girl took my $3 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching math In 1970: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching math In 1990: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching math today: [choose one of the following]

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho ?

or

Un enregistreur vend un chargement de camion de bois de charpente pour $100. Son coût de production est $80. Quel est son bénéfice ?

Oldie Goldie
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menschen (old men) over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters. The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Abe Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the foist thing ve're going to do is fix the brakes on that feshtunkena truck!"