Friday Funnies April 20 07

"Mitt Romney has announced that his son Tagg Romney has joined the campaign. No word from the other kids -- Skip, Jump Rope, and See Saw." --Jay Leno

"Last week, presidential candidate Mitt Romney called himself a lifelong hunter. Turns out he's only hunted twice in his life. And, of course, both of those times were for Easter eggs. He said he hunts only small animals, like Jed Clampett did. Comparing himself to Jed Clampett? Is that a good idea? Anybody gonna want to vote for President Jed Clampett, especially after eight years of President Jethro?" --Jay Leno

"The weather back East continues to be terrible. They've had so much rain in my home state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun." --Jay Leno

"In New England we call it a Nor'easter. When President Bush heard about this, he got very confused. He said, 'Does this mean next week we'll have a Nor'passover?'" --Jay Leno

"In a speech in Alabama, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said the one thing about him that you can count on is that we he makes a decision, he sticks with it. You don't believe him? You can ask either of his two ex-wives." --Jay Leno

"The White House says it wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department. This person would be called 'the president of the United States.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Just days after her controversial trip to Syria, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced she's considering taking another controversial trip -- this time to Iran. Even worse, when Pelosi gets back, she's going fishing with Don Imus."--Conan O'Brien

"San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom in hot water again for simulating oral sex with a reporter's microphone, or as they call that in San Francisco, pandering to the voters." -Jay Leno

"The Bush administration on Wednesday extended the tours of Army troops in Iraq by three months, increasing their stay to a total of 15 months. Troops responded to the news, saying, 'I'm gay.'" --Amy Poehler

"It was announced that Hooter's will open one of its restaurants in Israel this summer. So much for keeping the meat separate from the dairy" --Amy Poehler

"As far as anyone can remember, no New Jersey governor has ever been in a car crash ... although former Governor McGreevey was frequently rear-ended." --Bill Maher

People of Good Standing

- "If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants." -- Isaac Newton

- "In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand." -- Gerald Holton

- "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -- Hal Abelson

- "In computer science, we stand on each other's feet." -- Brian K. Reid

"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out but that is not the reason we are doing it." - Richard Feynman

The Horse Whisperer Puns
Q: What do you call a guy with a sore throat who talks to horses? A: The hoarse whisperer.
Q: What do you call the hooker's quiet conversationalist? A: The whore's whisperer.
Q: What do you call the equine magician's cat? A: The horse wiz's purrrer.
I found medication for schizophrenia in my roommate’s medicine cabinet. I was really concerned for a while but then I remembered I live alone.

My doctor gave me a bottle of calcium supplements to take to ward off osteoporosis. I broke my thumb trying to take off the lid.

Then there was the drunken Irishman who bounced off of so many walls he changed his name to Rick O'Shea.

A husband and wife are in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing against her shoulder. "Oh honey, that feels good.", she says. His hand moves to her breast. "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.", she says. His hand moves to her leg. "Oh, honey, don't stop." she begs. But he stops.......... "Why did you stop?" she cries. "I found the remote..."

What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked? A seatbelt you pervert! Buckle up!

When a man says, "We've got to talk," the woman hears, "We're going to have a nice conversation." When a woman says, "We've got to talk," a man hears, "Will the defendant please rise?

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way, they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her flap jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him takea trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Fountain and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with All Sorts.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy of frustration... "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister, "and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ... "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Dear Mr. Government, Re: Passports
Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a T V cable from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For crying out loud, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years, my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight bloody passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals workin' there?! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Araft, for crying out loud. I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?! If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the stupid picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're ticked off!
Signed - An Irate Canadian Citizen

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

Hillary addressing Hadassah:
Ladies of Hadassah, let me start by saying how nice it is to be among mishpoche. I'm reminded of a Sunday morning a few weeks back when I was sitting with my husband, the former President, and our beautiful and talented daughter, Chelsea (an investment banker now, by the way, with a very good company. I know I don’t have to tell you what a mecheiah it is, having a child like this).
Anyway, I was sitting having my usual bagel with some good novy and a schmear, and I said to my husband, Bill-eleh. How fortunate we all are to be living in this great country of ours. I mean, sure, we’ve still got that mamzer in the White House. Not to mention Cheney, that chazzer. Or the farshimulte meeskite running the State Department. And don’t even get me started on Gonzales, that little toochis lecker! A cholyera on all of them, I say!
But this is my point. Where but in this beautiful country of ours would you find a boy named Grossman playing quarterback in the Super Bowl? (Okay, he lost the game, but gay gzind.) And where but in America would I be sitting down with Mrs. Feinstein and Mrs. Boxer not to drink Sanka and play mah jongg, but to decide the important domestic and foreign issues of the day?
And so, ladies, today as I reach out the hand of friendship to you, my shvestern, my landsmen, I come to ask that you join me in my quest. And to assure you that behind this goyishe punim is a yiddisher kop.

I hope to meet each of you personally at the lovely dairy brunch following this event. And I hope you’ll forgive me if I pass on the whitefish, it’s a little salty and I’m retaining.
God bless America! We should all live and be well!