Friday Funnies March 9 07

"The Taliban tried to blow up Dick Cheney. ... He was never in danger -- at the time of the attack, he was safely asleep in his coffin. ... I just hope that this attempt on his life doesn't turn him bitter, vicious, and paranoid." --Bill Maher

"They're going after Al Gore, and he's not even in the race yet. He won an Oscar Sunday and not even a day goes by when they bust him because ... his house in Tennessee uses 20 times the electricity than the average house in Tennessee. But that's because Gore's house has electricity" --Bill Maher

"Kind of an embarrassing situation for Al Gore with his whole global warming thing. Turns out his Tennessee home has been using 20 times the energy as the average household. To be fair, it is still not as much energy as John Edwards' blow-dryer is using." --Jay Leno

"Republicans have been attacking Al for having this big electric bill, but Al Gore says his bill is higher than average because his house is bigger than average. It's a 20-room mansion -- you know, the kind of house you usually find a Republican living in." --Jay Leno

"The state Senate in Florida wants to outlaw the term 'illegal alien' because it is insensitive. They want to go with a more politically correct term, like 'Wal-Martian." --Jay Leno

"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to vacation. No men will be allowed. ... Which of course leads to the philosophical question: If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?" -Jay Leno

"Another horrible day for the stock market. It went down another 100 points. In fact, the only company to make money was the Tennessee power company that sells electricity to Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"Some politicians in Florida are trying to ban the use of the term 'illegal alien' because they think it is offensive. The Florida officials say, 'We prefer the term good swimmer.'" --Conan O'Brien

Hillbilly Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love;
she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
she told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
but Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will,
but after telling Pappy this,
he said, there's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell you' mother,
but Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But Mama knew and said, my child,
just do what makes yo' happy
marry Will or marry Joe.You ain't no kin to Pappy.

Definitions that make sense.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defence Contractor." The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact. "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language." One boy raised his hand, When called upon, he asked, "But what if you're hammering a nail and you accidentally smash your thumb?" "That,” the man answered, "is when we use YOUR language."

Mr. Maxwell, the Founder/President of Maxwell House was recently killed in an unfortunate accident. Mr. Maxwell was an avid sky-diver, and during a recent jump his parachute failed to open. He was killed on impact. His friends remember the fact that he was an INCREDIBLY pleasant, nice man before his fatal jump. And so, on his tombstone they inscribed: "Mr. Maxwell --good to the last drop."

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State. "RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem. "Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

Women's Bumper Stickers
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
3. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
4. Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.
5. Coffee, Chocolate, Men - Some things are just better rich.
6. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
7. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
8. I'm out of Estrogen - and I have a gun.
9. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
10. Warning: I have an attitude - and I know how to use it.
11. Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time.
12. Do not start with me - you will not win.
13. You have the right to remain silent - so shut up!
14. All stressed out and no one to choke.
15. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
16. Sorry if I looked interested - I'm not.
17. Don't upset me - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jew from Tunis.Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA program language rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try."Bill Gates asks all the candidates that those who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" So he stays.Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have excellent college diplomas to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room.Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croatian language to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croatian but what the hell! - have I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room.He finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language! Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch ata Adonai ". The other candidate answers: "Elohenu melech ha'olam.

Temple Sinai Brotherhood’s Bingo Boys recently ran a Bingo at the Independent Living Home at 2 Neptune and received this thank you letter from an elderly woman who won a radio. Dear Temple Sinai Brotherhood: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Bingo at our building. I am 84 years old and all of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke to pieces. The radio really meant a lot to her and she was practically inconsolable. She asked if she could listen to mine, so I went right over to her bed and said “Gay kakken auf’m yam!”.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely, Sophie