Friday Funnies April 27 07

"Sanjaya has quite a weekend ahead of him. He's going to the White House Correspondents' dinner on Saturday night, which means there's a really good chance he will meet President Bush. It's crazy to think that a guy who did not get the most votes, who's not good at what he does, is famous despite the fact that he is consistently horrible, would get the chance to go to the White House and meet Sanjaya." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today on Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then had a good laugh. ... He testified that he had nothing to hide. Well, not anymore ... he deleted everything." --Jay Leno

"Over in Washington, Alberto Gonzales testified yesterday before Congress. He is the Sanjaya of the Bush administration. He had a month to rehearse and he still sucked." --Bill Maher

"He said some version of 'I don't remember' 71 times. I know it's 4/20, but even I'm not that big of a pothead." --Bill Maher

"He is not exactly a constitutional scholar. At one point, he tried to plead the fifth dimension." --Bill Maher

"While you folks were applauding, John Edwards raised another $3 million for haircuts. ... John Edwards ... is trying to show folks he is a hawk. Today he declared a war on split ends." --David Letterman

"They say this John Edwards gets expensive facials. ... What is the deal with Democratic candidates? The male candidates get facials and the female candidates wear pantsuits" --David Letterman

"Laura Bush said in an interview that she can't fall asleep without reading. As opposed to her husband, who can't read without falling asleep." --Jay Leno

"Hugh Hefner announced he is backing Hillary Clinton. Hillary actually likes Hugh Hefner. Now don't confuse that with Bill ... who likes huge heifers." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates were out campaigning on Earth Day Weekend. They had some good ideas. Like John McCain suggested we bomb Iran just using hybrid planes. ... Newt Gingrich said next time he cheats on his wife, he'll do it with the lights off to save energy. ... Hillary Clinton has vowed to wear only organically grown pantsuits. ... Did you see Bill Clinton picking up some trash on the beach? Then he gave her cab fare home." --Jay Leno

A man from the Washington Post
Once had it off with a ghost;
At the height of orgasm
The pale ectoplasm
Shrieked: "Coming! I'm coming... almost!"

A Woman’s Lexicology:
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying UP yours.
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response, refer to # 3.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

What happened to the silkworms that ran a race? They ended up in a tie

Why is a dog like a telephone? They both have collar ID

What is the perfect cure for dandruff? Baldness

How did the man describe his work in the towel factory? Very absorbing

How can you tell if your phone is tapped? Your bathtub rings

Who was the best financier in the Bible? Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation

What vegetables do you find in boats? Leeks

Why is a horse halfway through a gate like a coin? Because his head's on one side and his tail's on the other

What sickness can a plane catch? The flew

Which kind of house weighs the least? A lighthouse

You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat? An ear of corn.

The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it? A coffin.

What crime is punishable if attempted, but not punishable if committed? Suicide

It is an interesting linguistic fact that in the English language, a double negative can be used as a positive but, in other languages such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. There is no language, though, in which a double positive can be used as a negative. Yeah, right!

Most people assume when Cassius Clay converted to Islam and changed his name to Muhammed Ali and when Lou Alcinder became Kareem Abdul Jabar that they were at the forefront of that trend. But few remember that long before that, one of the Li'l Rascals turned Muslim and changed his name. Of course that was when Buckwheat became Kareem O Wheat!

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum." The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new." A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I." Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a Ghet." The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith. The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (circumcision) She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire Prick!"

At the office, a brunette said to her blonde friend, “Your voice sounds terrible.” “Yeah I’ve got the worst sore throat.” The brunette said, “Well, I know the perfect cure for a sore throat. Whenever I have one I give my husband a blow job and the next day my throat’s all better.” The blonde said, “Ok. If you really think it will work then I’ll give it a try.” The next day the blonde comes in to work and her voice is back to normal. The brunette says, “See, didn’t I tell you it would work!” The blonde said, “Yeah, thanks a million. Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on. She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

"I'm sick of Tchaikovsky", said May,"
And this Handel and Bach that we play."
So she put down her fiddle,
And diddled her middle;
"It's time for Depussy I say."

The weather was great so three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude, and Tilley, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke, but Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says,"I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun. "Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman. Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel'".

A young Jewish couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back the bride immediately called her Jewish mother. "Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic... " Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed-they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!! "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook.... "That bastard! I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the Jewish mother.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. - Jewish Buddha

A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her ride for free. She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle but people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle. She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort. A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway? The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah."

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

Something to bear in mind:I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed!! Give her the finger? I don't think so.