Friday Funnies June 1 07

"President Bush was caught driving his truck without a seatbelt on at his ranch, but that's not even the dangerous part, the dangerous part is Dick Cheney was riding shotgun." --Jay Leno

"Giuliani has been paying his wife $10,000 a month to help write his speeches. That's every wife's dream, isn't it? To put words in your husband's mouth, and get paid for it." --Jay Leno

"In a related story, President Bush gives his wife, Laura, $5,000 a month to teach him how to pronounce some of the bigger words in his speeches. ... I'm very happy. I checked today and under the new immigration bill, we can keep Arnold as our governor" --Jay Leno

"Congress just passed a law against gas station price-gauging. You know how you can tell if a gas station is price gauging? If the sign says 'Open.'" --Jay Leno

"The third largest company for daily oil production is in Mexico. See, this is how we break this immigration deadlock, make everyone sneaking across the border carry just one barrel of oil." --Jay Leno

"The Iraq funding bill that set a date for troop withdrawal, that's all gone by the wayside. The Democrats just backed down, as they always do, but they did it with flare this time. They met on an aircraft carrier and they had a big banner that said, 'Mission Abandoned!'" --Bill Maher

"At a press conference somebody finally stood up to Bush ... a bird shit on him. Here's what is wrong with this man: he looked at it, and then wiped it off with his bare hand! And this is the guy who doubts that he descended from an ape." --Bill Maher

“This week Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, and her partner, Heather, had a baby boy. Afterwards, Dick Cheney teared up and said, 'I've been asking her to bring a boy home for thirty years'" --Conan O'Brien

Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth HospitalWashington D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes, Bill Clinton
P.S. Barrack Obama is fucking Jodie Foster

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?" The computer hummed away for an hour and then came up with the answer, "Yes." The generals looked at each other, stupefied. Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?" Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Modern Military Terms
Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up."
Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small."
Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders."
Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs."
Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours."
Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim."Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving."
Ordnance is "something that does the blowing up."
An Asset is "something that can be blown up."
Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion."


Star Wars is 30 Years Old!
On May 25, 2007, the "Star Wars" movie franchise of creator/director George Lucas (Lucasfilms, Ltd.) celebrated its 30th birthday. You remember Star Wars, right? Basically, it's a galaxy war between thegood guys (the rebellion) vs. bad guys (the Empire). As the real 21st Century world is in the middle of its own battle between freedom and oppression, I thought I'd mention a few glaring similarities between the Star Wars saga and the War On Terror. Here's a quick list:
a1) The good guys have a very freedom-minded view of the Galaxy. Most Americans very easily identify with them.
a2) The good guys are led by good-hearted twits, who sporadically undertake great acts of heroism, only to be met by more challenges.
a3) Occasionally they say or do something funny that endears them to us all.
b1) The bad guys have a very "Empire of Evil" view of the Galaxy, and are led by a corrupted wielder of the universal Force, who wears black cloaks and headgear, who audaciously agitated his loyal legions to attack the rebel liberators who bring freedom, like the freedom to protest.
b2) Darth Vader's given name at birth was "Annakin Skywalker". Annakin Skywalker is six syllables long.
b3) Darth Vader wields the Dark side of the Force.
b4) Dark Force has nine letters.
b5) Darth Vader is one of the Empire's top dark Jedi, though he is not its Emperor.
c1) And on this day, Muqtada al-Sadr, the big bad Shi'ity leader in the black cloak and black headgear in Iraq, re-appeared and audaciously agitated his loyal legions to attack the liberators who gave them the very freedom to protest.
c2) Muqtada al-Sadr is six syllables long.
c3) Muqtada al-Sadr wields the Dark side of the Koran.
c4) Dark Koran has nine letters.
c5) Muqtada al-Sadr is one of the Islamic Empire's top dark lords, though he is not its Emperor.
c6) Angry, authoritarian, and so comparable (as listed above), Muqtada al-Sadr seems just like Darth Vader.
d1) And of course, the whole Star Wars saga has been commanded by the designs of an American man named George.
d2) Meanwhile, the American part of the War on Terror has been commanded by the designs of an American man named George.
Happy Birthday to your creation, George Lucas.

Q: How do you circumcise a whale? A: You send down four-skin divers.

Q: How do you say Daimler-Chrysler in German? A: Daimler. The Chrysler part is silent.

How Hockey Beats Sex:
It's legal to earn money playing hockey.
Many people play hockey even after they're married.
The puck's always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts at least an hour.
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
You always know how big the stick is.
You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding.
You can change players on the fly.
You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up.
Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds.
Your parents cheer when you score.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
You're sure to get it at least twice a week.
You can tell your friends about it afterward.

Honourable Member Seeks Raise in Salary!
I, John Thomas, [aka “Willy”] hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, John Thomas

The Response:
Dear Willy
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V.Gina [aka Lady Jane]

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like". An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Eric Clapton. An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John. A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks, "What's wrong, can ye no play it"? The octopus says, "Play It? If I can ever get her damned pyjamas off, I'm gonna fuck her brains out!

Last night at a club I met a very good looking older woman in her late fifties. After about an hour of drinking and flirting together, she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter threesome? As my mind raced to fantasy, I truthfully told her that I’d never had such an opportunity. She told me that tonight was my lucky night and I should follow her home. When we got to her place she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores back in the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all..." She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it." Here is her entry:
Carnation Milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "ME."

Excerpts from a dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...