Friday Funnies April 4 08

"Here's some good news: In response to the country's severe economic crisis, President Bush has been working around the clock. He has drafted landmark legislation that will end the recession within a month and bring down the price of gas by 35%. April Fool's!"

"Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia today, where she told the crowd she is like the movie character Rocky. ... Now, if I remember the movie correctly, doesn't Rocky get the crap beat out of him and then he loses to the black guy?" --Jay Leno

"Two Ohio companies who staged events for Hillary Clinton say that they've been trying to get paid. For weeks they have been trying to get the Clinton campaign to pay their bill, but the Clintons won't answer their e-mails or return their phone calls. Ironically, they even tried calling Hillary at 3 a.m. and nobody answered." --Jay Leno

"Happy Birthday to Al Gore! God bless him, 60 years old. ... He just couldn't enjoy the party. He was so obsessed with how quickly the ice cream was melting." --Jay Leno

"President Bush threw out the first ball the other night at the Washington Nationals home opener. Boy, wasn't is nice to see Bush throwing out something other than the Constitution?" --Jay Leno

"You know who I like is that John McCain. You folks like John McCain?. ... He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman

John McCain on David Letterman: "Well, you look like a guy whose laptop would be seized by the authorities … You look like a guy caught smuggling reptiles in his pants … You look like the guy who the neighbors later say, 'He mostly kept to himself.' … You look like the night manager of a creepy motel. … And you look like the guy who enjoys getting into a hot tub and watching his swim trunks inflate."

"You folks been following the presidential race? You know Hillary now is behind in states, behind in delegates, behind in the popular vote and also in the polls, and today, she said to Obama, 'Are you ready to throw in the towel?'" --David Letterman

"This weekend, Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. Yeah, when asked why, Bill said, 'Because then she'd come home.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Here's kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody's around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it?" -- Jay Leno

"As you know, Hillary Clinton now blaming her embellishment of her Bosnia trip on lack of sleep. See, that's the difference between Hillary and Bill right there. After a night of no sleep, Bill never had a problem coming up with a believable story." -- Jay Leno

"The White House is now outsourcing the manufacturing of our passports overseas. Our passports will now be made in foreign countries. See, this is how a global economy works. When an illegal immigrant from Mexico living in L.A. and working in a Japanese-owned company wants to go home to visit his relatives, he uses a a passport made in Thailand that he gets by a calling customer service number in India. You see how it works? This could be the thing that makes Lou Dobbs' head explode." --Jay Leno

"More problems for Governor Eliot Spitzer. The New York Post reporting that he has been identified as a long-term client of a second call girl ring called Wicked Models, and his favorite call girl was $1,000 an hour, a girl named Kristin 'Billie' Davis. You know what this means? He was cheating on his hooker with another hooker. Oh, man. In guy world, that is the lowest!" --Jay Leno

"Here's a sure sign that it's spring time in New York City. This weekend Eliot Spitzer spent the entire weekend with a girl named Robin." David Letterman

It's always a good day when the signs of spring outnumber the signs of the apocalypse.

Ahh, the signs of spring – robins in the trees, the smell of defrosting dog shit on your lawn, the Leafs off to the golf course!

We hear the Leafs are looking to hire a new Chinese coach in the off-season. His name is Win Sum Soon.

Just a suggestion for President of the United States in the year 2008. It is probably time that a woman got a chance as U.S. President. Noooooo! Not Hillary Clinton, you idiot. Rather, a very special lady who has all the answers to our problems. Please give it some consideration... Maxine for President!
Maxine on 'Driver Safety'
'I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.'.......
Maxine on 'Housework'
'I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.'
Maxine on 'Lawn Care'
'The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.'
Maxine on 'The Perfect Man'
'All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.'
Maxine on 'Technology Revolution'
'My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.'
Maxine on 'Aging'
'Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.'
Other Maxinisms:
'The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.'
'The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.'
'To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely.'
'Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?
'Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.'
'After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead.'
Don’t let aging get you down – it’s too hard to get back up!
If you woke up breathing, congratulations, you have another chance.
It’s ‘One nation under God’ … or bite my skinny old ass and leave!
If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
Maxine On Cooking & Housekeeping
I hate housework! You make the beds, do the dishes and six months later you have to do it all over again!!
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction - I get to the end and think Well, that's not gonna happen!
If you can’t stand the heat, go in my kitchen. It’s a pretty safe bet I won’t be cooking.
Thought about cleaning the house, but then I thought, What’s the house done for me lately?
I love my attitude problem!
Recipes are like a dating service – they never end up looking like the picture!
If it fits in a toaster, I can cook it.
I love a good meal – so I don’t cook!
Household hint – stop dusting and you can use your coffee table as a message board.
Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time, so sometimes I cook.
Organize chores into categories – things I won’t do now, things I won’t do later and things I’ll never do.
Martha Stewart doesn’t live here and that’s a good thing!

Very eloquently put, don't you think? I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate!

Herbert A. Millington Chair - Search Committee 412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'. He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I 'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.' Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane watches as a flustered stewardess runs toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit." Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty , or give me Death"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said. "Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, an Indian boy who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!" And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007."

I was at this get-together last weekend, when someone called me a male chauvinist. I couldn't believe it! So I asked, "How many of you women here feel I'm a male chauvinist? Let's have a quick show of tits." That certainly settled that!

This is a quiz for people who know everything! These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter- S-
Now scroll down for the answers!
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . .Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside .. .Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
6. Three English words beginning with dw Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S' .Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.


Jose and Carlos are panhandlers in the same town. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars each day. Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say"? Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you get only $2-3 dollars every day" Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"? Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he asked his mother why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger THEY are, the stupider the man is.' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: 'Daddy is talking to the dumbest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the stupider he gets!

Oldie Goldie
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support

A little spiritual humour:

Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning,Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 'Reverend,' said the young man, 'sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'

The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume. The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day." The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"

The minister of an American church was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.' At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

It seems that too many people these days want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Laugh everyday...it's like inner jogging!

A wonderful story about the awesome Daffodil Principle:
Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, 'Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over.' I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead 'I will come next Tuesday', I promised a little reluctantly on her third call. Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren. 'Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!' My daughter smiled calmly and said, 'We drive in this all the time, Mother.' 'Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!' I assured her. 'But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks,' Carolyn said. 'I'll drive. I'm used to this.' 'Carolyn,' I said sternly, 'please turn around.' 'It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience.' After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, ' Daffodil Garden.' We got out of the car, each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight. It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-coloured variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers. 'Who did this?' I asked Carolyn. 'Just one woman,' Carolyn answered. 'She lives on the property. That's her home.' Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house. On the patio, we saw a poster. 'Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking', was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. '50,000 bulbs,' it read. The second answer was, 'One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain.' The third answer was, 'Began in 1958.' For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time--often just one baby-step at time--and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world ... 'It makes me sad in a way,' I admitted to Carolyn. 'What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!' My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. 'Start tomorrow,' she said. She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, 'How can I put this to use today?'
Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting.....
Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean of f your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die...
There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one's watching.
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone special.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
Wishing you a beautiful, daffodil day!