Friday Funnies October 10 08

"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey." --Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you're wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, did you all watch the debate last night between Barack Obama and John McCain? You know, all the networks had their own spin on it. Like, ABC called it 'Dancing Around the Questions.' I thought that was pretty good. MTV billed it as 'Ebony and History.'" --Jay Leno

"Boy, that was dull, wasn't it? Oh, my God. I guess this time they went with the town hall format. They use that because they say it demonstrates the next president's ability to think and talk at the same time. Or as President Bush calls that, 'showing off.'" --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has vowed to do only a few interviews between now and the election. Katie Couric's interview, she called it 'gotcha journalism.' Not doing any more of those. Just doing friendly interviews now, which she calls 'you betcha!' journalism." --Jay Leno

"You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno

"Tonight's presidential debate was actually what they called town hall style, which means instead of ignoring the moderator's questions, the candidates can ignore the voters directly. No, it's a town hall format, which is John McCain's favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama's favorite way, a sermon on the mount. See, it's a little different." --Jay Leno

"With all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week. Well, the bad news? The small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21." --Jay Leno

"You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar. He has no idea." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin kept winking at the camera. See that? She kept winking all the time. For a minute, I thought maybe John McCain had been captured again and she was trying it to send some kind of a signal." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said he watched the debate from his living room at his home in Arizona. He said he would have applauded Sarah Palin, but every time he clapped at home, the lights go on and off." --Jay Leno

"Good news, everybody. That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it. The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson" --Seth Meyers

David Letterman's "Top Ten Messages Left on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine"
10. Hi, it's John McCain; I had to go to bed. How'd it go?
9. Hi, Katie Couric here. Have you thought of a Supreme Court case yet?
8. Hi, it's Bill Clinton. Let me know when Todd's out of town.
7. My name is Joseph Sixpack -- knock it off.
6. Hi, Katie Couric again -- think of any newspapers yet?
5. Buy the Late Show Fun Facts book. It's a bridge to hilarity.
4. John McCain again; could you pick up my prescriptions?
3. Senator Larry Craig here -- do you have Joe Biden's phone number?
2. McCain again; do you remember where I parked the Straight Talk Express?
1. It's President Bush. If you're at the debate, who's watchin' Russia?

"Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations. I don't know if you saw this story, but the new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders. Oh, you betcha. Oh, you're darn right she did. Oh yeah, God bless. And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher

"Now, of course, everyone's still talking about Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric, where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Yeah, apparently, Palin thought the Supreme Court was a regular court with extra cheese." --Conan O'Brien

"Larry Flynt announced he's making a porn movie with a Sarah Palin look-alike. John McCain called the idea offensive. Barack Obama called it inappropriate. Bill Clinton said he'll reserve judgment until he sees the film." --Conan O'Brien

"A new study has found that the number of illegal immigrants coming into the United States has declined as our economy has faltered. Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, 'Do I know how to fix a problem or what?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight, they held the vice presidential debate. I understand that Sarah Palin has been preparing all week at John McCain's ranch in Arizona. She said looking out at the desert gave her a real feel for the Middle East." --Jay Leno

"I wish these smart Republicans could at least admit they don't want to see her in the White House either. They want to see her splayed out on the hood of a car in a Kenny Chesney video." --Bill Maher

"But I, you know, say what you will, I think one of the most embarrassing moments of the whole night was when Joe Biden had to say oh, oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening to the question. I was thinking about Sarah naked." --David Letterman

"Before the debate, Biden's team said his strategy would be to avoid attacking Palin directly and instead, focus on linking John McCain to George Bush and the economy. Palin's people said her strategy would be to stay upwind of Biden, flush him out into an open area, and then go for a clean shot through the lungs. You don't want to mess up the head -- that's the trophy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the first time an Alaskan has ever been on a national ticket, and it also might be the last, depending on how it goes. So across the state of Alaska, all eyes were on the debate. Pipeline workers set aside their wrenches, trappers dropped their beaver pelts, whalers put down their blubber knives, Eskimo families took a break from loading their grandparents onto ice floes. There has not been this much excitement in Alaska since the last time they saw the sun, quite frankly." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The big question, I don't know if anyone has asked yet, while Sarah Palin is yammering it up with Joe Biden in St. Louis, who's keeping an eye on the Russians? I feel very unprotected right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, the Senate passed the bailout bill, 74-25. They said one of the reason it passed is that lawmakers stopped calling it a bailout bill, and started calling it a rescue bill. See, they changed the name. I'm sorry. Isn't that called putting lipstick on a pig?" --Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, 61% of people surveyed said they would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. Although 99% said they would rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president." --Jay Leno

Well, in international news, the man considered to be the leader of the Taliban ... inside of Pakistan, has died of kidney failure. See, that's when you know the war on terrorism has gone on for too long. When our enemies are dying of natural causes." --Jay Leno

"But anyway, I guess we should be happy the bailout bill passed. 74 yeas, 25 nays, and one 'Fabulous!' from Senator Larry Craig. Fabulous!" --David Letterman

"The much-anticipated vice presidential debate takes place tomorrow night in St. Louis. Senator Joe Biden of Delaware faces off with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Teams of technicians have been working around the clock, trying to figure out how to run an internet cable directly into the back of her skull to feed her the information. Even though Governor Palin is not expected to do particularly well in tomorrow night's debate, she is favored heavily in Friday night's swimsuit competition." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's some good news. The government is talking about stimulus checks again. The bad news? We're the ones that are writing them." --Jay Leno

"Aren't you tired of hearing these economic experts talking on TV? It's time for America to get back to air-headed celebrities. Britney, Paris, Lindsay, your country needs you right now. I mean, what would you rather focus on, some Wall Street guy who lost his shirt, or Britney losing her panties?" --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, I don't know if you saw this, but last night during an interview on CBS, Sarah Palin said, this is a quote, 'One of my best friends is a lesbian and I love her dearly.' Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Prove it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"But don't kid yourself. This is for all the marbles, this debate tomorrow night. And Sarah Palin is nothing if not diligent. She's working hard on preparing for the debate with Joe Biden. Earlier today in Arizona we just heard that she shot a donkey." --David Letterman

EMAIL ALERT
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it...it might contain a virus.
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it...it might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can,
Interstate Water,
National Gas Company,
Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

And a reworked Oldie Goldie in a similar vein:
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations later this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
No need to thank me. I only want to help everyone to become wealthy.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked POLITICIAN: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politician?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Baseball – Just in time for the World Series - The All American game explained:
This is a game played by two teams. When one is out the other is in. The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones who are out get three outs from the ones who are in, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to try to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in. The game will end when both teams have been in and out nine times, but only if one team has more ins without being out. Otherwise both teams go in and out again in the hopes that one team will have more ins than the other, unless it rains. Now, do you understand it?

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!' 'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!' Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. 'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen' 'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?' 'Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!' Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. 'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!' Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?' Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. 'What are you doing Sister?' 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner' 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!' 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.' 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.' On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?' 'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest. 'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.” The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “where's my hundred?” The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.” The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”

An illegal alien picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks. '$100,' she replies. In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?' 'No' she says. 'How about $200 to do Immigrant Style.' 'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is. 'How about $300?' 'No', she says. 'How about $400?' 'No', she says. So finally he says, 'OK, how about $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'' So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?' The illegal alien replies 'You send bill to Government.'

Oldie Goldie
This probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off." Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.