"Barack Obama said today he wouldn’t raise taxes on anyone over 70 . . . and McCain said Obama was just pandering to the youth vote." --Craig Ferguson
"Now we move to our anti-Olympic update. Russia has taken a commanding lead over Georgia! Trouncing the former Soviet satellite 10,000 bombs to one]" --Jon Stewart
The onslaught in the caucus is centered around the disputed South Ossetia region on the border between the two countries. And while Russia claims they have ended military operations, Georgia claims the Russians have made further attacks in Abkhazia. Oh, war. It just God's way of teaching Americans geography." --Jon Stewart
The presidential race has been rocked by the news that two years ago, John Edwards had an extramarital affair with campaign worker Rielle Hunter, who apparently caused a spike in his polling. Hunter produced campaign webisodes about Edwards, a bold idea in 2006. YouTube was brand new, and Edwards lit up cyberspace under the pseudonym 'Lonelyboy15.' But there's an even bigger scandal to this story [on screen: people questioning why the mainstream media ignored the John Edwards story for so long when the National Enquirer picked up on it in October 2007]. Exactly. This was reported in the National Enquirer last October. Why is the mainstream media ignoring the National Enquirer? I mean, look at the latest issue right here [on screen: Colbert holds up the latest cover of the National Enquirer, showing stories on 'plastic surgery shockers']. ... Why isn't the New York Times reporting on what happened to Madonna's face? Oh. Oh, girlfriend, no, no, no. Why didn't CNN pick up on this story on page five about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? By the way, confidential to Miss Longoria, if you're trying to get pregnant, I recommend making webisodes for John Edwards." --Stephen Colbert
"It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It's the same technology they use for John McCain." --Craig Ferguson
"John Edwards, presidential aspirant and author of the famed claim that there are two Americas, was apparently only faithful to his wife in one of them. Apparently he didn't realize that the National Enquirer had reporters stationed in the other America, where he was, in fact, banging his videographer." --Jon Stewart
"You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn't be our president. He should be our mascot." --Jon Stewart, watching Bush at the Olympics
"While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno
"I guess Edwards apparently met this woman at a New York City bar in 2006, and he is a pretty smooth operator. ... You hear his opening line to the woman? 'So, uh, which America are you from?'" --Jay Leno
"No, he actually said today about the other woman, he doesn't love her. Oh that's smart, now you've got two women mad at you. Great, way to go." --Jay Leno
"You know what ... it turns out she was his campaign videographer. Yeah, there you go. Think there'll be a sex tape coming soon, huh?" --Jay Leno
"Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno
“President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman
"As you know, President Bush is on a week-long tour to Asia, where he’ll visit South Korea, Thailand and China — or as the White House calls it, 'The Everything-Sold-at-Wal-Mart Tour.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like, they asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee." --Jay Leno
"And in an interview recorded by the BBC in Africa, Bill Clinton told people in Africa to practice monogamy and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. In fact, the minute he said that, the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, 'Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?'" --Jay Leno
"More than 60 heads of state will be at the opening ceremonies, so security is extremely tight in China, which has been very hard on the locals there. Many stores and factories in Beijing have been required to close, and people have been forced out of their houses. It's sort of like here in the United States, only for them, it'll end in a couple of weeks." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The government claims that it has the smog that Beijing is notorious for under control, but here's how bad it really is. They say if Snoop Dogg rolled down the window of his limo, smoke would pour in." --Jimmy Kimmel
Overheard at the Olympics:
Russian weightlifter Ludmilla Moskovskya was complaining to her coach that the "vitamin" shots he'd been giving her had caused hair to appear on her chest. When he asked how far down the hair went, she replied,"All the way down to my testicles!"
The Beauty of Mathematics
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321
Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well, one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return, he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was..... (No, I know what you’re thinking - the duck didn't say THAT - Don't be SO disgusting!) The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Lovemaking tips for seniors:
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(This was done in large type so you can read it.)
There were two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most during all those years.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
------and what were YOU thinking?
Ever wonder why when a woman wears a leather dress a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally. I’ll tell you why - because she smells like a new car!
Two Newfoundland fishermen, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The Dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house" "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawn mower." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic ."Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?" "No." "Then you're a queer."
THE YEAR ' S BEST (actual) HEADLINES
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (No, really?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Now that's taking things a bit far!)
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (What a guy!)
Miners Refuse to Work after Death (Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos!)
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
War Dims Hope for Peace (I can see where it might have that effect!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (Ya think?!)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (Who would have thought!)
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (They may be on to something!)
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge (He probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (Weren't they fat enough?!)
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (That's what he gets for eating those beans!)
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Do they taste like chicken?)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Boy, are they tall!)
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Did I read that right?)
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So they buried Debbie.
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, Warned the United States that if military action against Iraq/Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers and candidates for President of the United States. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps and then Motel 6 managers, not to mention the Quality Inn and Dunkin Donuts owners. Its getting ugly, folks.
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception but, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man,
"What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah - a good thing within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the rabbi." "Why not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing!"
Oldie Goldies - Top Four Adult Jokes:
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow strikes her in the breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Third Place:
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a Gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the Compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I was fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh... she got fired too.'
Winner:
A couple that has been married for 50 years is sitting at the breakfast table one morning, when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this very same breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybirds fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down again. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'
My wife and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary this week so a bunch of my buddies were asking me what I thought were the benefits of a marriage of such long duration and what I had learned from all those wonderful years with my wife." I said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities I wouldn't have needed if I'd stayed single." They said, “So marriage really did change you then. I replied, “Absolutely, I am no longer my own worst enemy!”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
"Now we move to our anti-Olympic update. Russia has taken a commanding lead over Georgia! Trouncing the former Soviet satellite 10,000 bombs to one]" --Jon Stewart
The onslaught in the caucus is centered around the disputed South Ossetia region on the border between the two countries. And while Russia claims they have ended military operations, Georgia claims the Russians have made further attacks in Abkhazia. Oh, war. It just God's way of teaching Americans geography." --Jon Stewart
The presidential race has been rocked by the news that two years ago, John Edwards had an extramarital affair with campaign worker Rielle Hunter, who apparently caused a spike in his polling. Hunter produced campaign webisodes about Edwards, a bold idea in 2006. YouTube was brand new, and Edwards lit up cyberspace under the pseudonym 'Lonelyboy15.' But there's an even bigger scandal to this story [on screen: people questioning why the mainstream media ignored the John Edwards story for so long when the National Enquirer picked up on it in October 2007]. Exactly. This was reported in the National Enquirer last October. Why is the mainstream media ignoring the National Enquirer? I mean, look at the latest issue right here [on screen: Colbert holds up the latest cover of the National Enquirer, showing stories on 'plastic surgery shockers']. ... Why isn't the New York Times reporting on what happened to Madonna's face? Oh. Oh, girlfriend, no, no, no. Why didn't CNN pick up on this story on page five about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? By the way, confidential to Miss Longoria, if you're trying to get pregnant, I recommend making webisodes for John Edwards." --Stephen Colbert
"It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It's the same technology they use for John McCain." --Craig Ferguson
"John Edwards, presidential aspirant and author of the famed claim that there are two Americas, was apparently only faithful to his wife in one of them. Apparently he didn't realize that the National Enquirer had reporters stationed in the other America, where he was, in fact, banging his videographer." --Jon Stewart
"You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn't be our president. He should be our mascot." --Jon Stewart, watching Bush at the Olympics
"While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno
"I guess Edwards apparently met this woman at a New York City bar in 2006, and he is a pretty smooth operator. ... You hear his opening line to the woman? 'So, uh, which America are you from?'" --Jay Leno
"No, he actually said today about the other woman, he doesn't love her. Oh that's smart, now you've got two women mad at you. Great, way to go." --Jay Leno
"You know what ... it turns out she was his campaign videographer. Yeah, there you go. Think there'll be a sex tape coming soon, huh?" --Jay Leno
"Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno
“President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman
"As you know, President Bush is on a week-long tour to Asia, where he’ll visit South Korea, Thailand and China — or as the White House calls it, 'The Everything-Sold-at-Wal-Mart Tour.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like, they asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee." --Jay Leno
"And in an interview recorded by the BBC in Africa, Bill Clinton told people in Africa to practice monogamy and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. In fact, the minute he said that, the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, 'Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?'" --Jay Leno
"More than 60 heads of state will be at the opening ceremonies, so security is extremely tight in China, which has been very hard on the locals there. Many stores and factories in Beijing have been required to close, and people have been forced out of their houses. It's sort of like here in the United States, only for them, it'll end in a couple of weeks." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The government claims that it has the smog that Beijing is notorious for under control, but here's how bad it really is. They say if Snoop Dogg rolled down the window of his limo, smoke would pour in." --Jimmy Kimmel
Overheard at the Olympics:
Russian weightlifter Ludmilla Moskovskya was complaining to her coach that the "vitamin" shots he'd been giving her had caused hair to appear on her chest. When he asked how far down the hair went, she replied,"All the way down to my testicles!"
The Beauty of Mathematics
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321
Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well, one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return, he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was..... (No, I know what you’re thinking - the duck didn't say THAT - Don't be SO disgusting!) The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Lovemaking tips for seniors:
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(This was done in large type so you can read it.)
There were two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most during all those years.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
------and what were YOU thinking?
Ever wonder why when a woman wears a leather dress a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally. I’ll tell you why - because she smells like a new car!
Two Newfoundland fishermen, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The Dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house" "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawn mower." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic ."Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?" "No." "Then you're a queer."
THE YEAR ' S BEST (actual) HEADLINES
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (No, really?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Now that's taking things a bit far!)
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (What a guy!)
Miners Refuse to Work after Death (Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos!)
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
War Dims Hope for Peace (I can see where it might have that effect!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (Ya think?!)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (Who would have thought!)
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (They may be on to something!)
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge (He probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (Weren't they fat enough?!)
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (That's what he gets for eating those beans!)
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Do they taste like chicken?)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Boy, are they tall!)
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Did I read that right?)
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So they buried Debbie.
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, Warned the United States that if military action against Iraq/Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers and candidates for President of the United States. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps and then Motel 6 managers, not to mention the Quality Inn and Dunkin Donuts owners. Its getting ugly, folks.
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception but, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man,
"What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah - a good thing within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the rabbi." "Why not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing!"
Oldie Goldies - Top Four Adult Jokes:
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow strikes her in the breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Third Place:
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a Gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the Compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I was fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh... she got fired too.'
Winner:
A couple that has been married for 50 years is sitting at the breakfast table one morning, when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this very same breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybirds fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down again. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'
My wife and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary this week so a bunch of my buddies were asking me what I thought were the benefits of a marriage of such long duration and what I had learned from all those wonderful years with my wife." I said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities I wouldn't have needed if I'd stayed single." They said, “So marriage really did change you then. I replied, “Absolutely, I am no longer my own worst enemy!”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
No comments:
Post a Comment