Friday Funnies July 4 08

"Of course, the big thing is Hillary Clinton is now campaigning with and for Barack Obama. Are you aware of this? That they actually go out on the campaign trail together? And during the day, Hillary and Barack will attend functions, various functions on the campaign trail. Then at night, they go back to separate hotels. Now wait a minute. No, that's Hillary and Bill" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're learning more and more about both candidates. For example, John McCain doesn't work on weekends. He spends his time at his ranch, the Casa Varicosa." --David Letterman

"Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Yeah. But now listen, seriously. Don't think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period." --David Letterman

"But when the decision was read, it created pandemonium, and of course Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down. And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out on the lawn and peppered a buddy with some bird shot." --David Letterman

"I didn't know this, I think some of the justices, the Supreme Court justices, I think they may be gun owners. I had no idea. Clarence Thomas kept bragging about his weapon." --David Letterman

"This morning, in a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court overturned Washington, DC's ban on handguns! Wooo! Finally, the residents of Washington, DC have the right to defend themselves. From each other, one assumes. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, 'It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct.' He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections." --Stephen Colbert

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the Food shortage in the rest of the world?'
The survey was a huge failure because:
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' means.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' means.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' means.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' means.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' means.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' means.
In the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' means.

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Oldie Goldie
Lawyers in a Calgary law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?' The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay. She smiled, and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.' She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.' The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out! Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped t he conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?' The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical.' Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?' She said, 'Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.'

Dear Abby:
I have a problem. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. One of my brothers plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs and the other one is sentenced to die in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when I was 6 years old. Both of my sisters are into prostitution and one of them has aids, and my father sells drugs to junior high school kids. Well, I recently met a girl who was released from a reformatory, where she was doing time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl with all my heart and I want to marry her. Here is my problem: Do I tell her about my brother who plays for the Leafs?

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It wasn’t great either until we discovered S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? It's for Dickheads!

Friend of mine bought a used car with a Hamilton Tiger Cats bumper sticker on it. Being a Toronto Argonauts fan, he scraped it off and put on an Argos sticker. Ya know, the car ran and passed better within a few minutes.

Two Mexican businessmen in Tijuana were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes.' Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale." After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Seniors Dress Code - Many of us 'Old Folks' (those hovering near 50, over 50 and WAY over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least
13. Thongs and Depends

AARP Bumper Stickers
I’m retired – I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.
When I was younger, all I cared about was a nice BMW. Now I don’t care about the W.
Cremation? Think outside the box!
I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs. She said, Depends.
Food has replaced sex in my life – now I can’t even get into my own pants.
That Snap, Crackle, Pop in the morning ain’t my freakin’ Rice Crispies!
Senior Campbell’s – new LARGE TYPE alphabet soup.
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy and sometimes I let her sleep.

The Zen of Sarcasm
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


An old Rabbi begged his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down, sullen and hopeless in his ambition that the synagogue gets a needed chandelier. Then the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time talkin' about?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, we ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it. And third, we got an organ and don't need more music, what we do need in the shul is more light!"

The Eternal Jewish Truths or Your Bubby's Talmud:
· The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
· If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
· It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
· If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
· Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.
· Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
· WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
· Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
· Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
· Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
. Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
· Never pay retail.
· The most important word to know in any language is sale.
· It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.
· Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
· No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
· The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
· And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
· If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
· Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
· Always whisper the names of diseases.
· One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
· If you don't eat, it will kill me.
· Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
· Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
· Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
· Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
· Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
· Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
· Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
· The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
· You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
· A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
· A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
· Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
· Before you read the menu, read the prices.
· There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
· According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
· Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
· If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
· No meal is complete without leftovers.
· What business is a yenta in? Yours.
· If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
· The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
· Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
· Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
· Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
· What is chutzpah? Reading this entire book in the store and not buying it.