Friday Funnies May 30 08

"Yesterday, Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word 'baruch,' which means one who's blessed. That's what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien

"And when speaking in Montana, Barack Obama got a standing ovation when he said, 'It is time to take back the country.' The bad news: he was on an Indian reservation at the time." --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy. He was given a 19-gun salute. And two Coast Guard members were slightly injured when Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno

"47 years ago this weekend, John Kennedy pledged to put a man on the moon. 47 Years ago. ... That's right. And not to be outdone, earlier today, President Bush pledged to put a man on Condoleezza Rice" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is now focusing on John McCain, is calling it 'a contest of the past versus the future.' How many people wish it were the future and this election was already in the past? Are you sick of it? The McCain campaign announced it will be releasing John McCain's medical records. They would have released them sooner, but it took a while to dig them up, literally. They had to have a team of archaeologists literally dig them up." --Jay Leno

"McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He's just got to go to the convention. So he's now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they're visiting at his home in Arizona. They will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch. I think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo." --David Letterman

"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation, and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, adopted him, part of the ceremony. The Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Barack Obama visited the Crow Nation, where he was formally adopted into the tribe and given his own Indian name. His Indian name is 'One Who Helps People Throughout the Land.' Hillary Clinton also given an Indian name. 'Lady Who Doesn't Know it's Over.' And of course, John McCain was given an Indian name, 'Man who fought with Custer,' I believe. There is still a little animosity." --Jay Leno

"Well, as expected, they both won one last night. It doesn't mean anything. Barack Obama won Oregon, and Hillary won big in Kentucky. She beat Barack, what, 65% to 30%? Or, as they call it down South, a double-wide margin." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this is a tremendous victory for Hillary. Because now that she's won Kentucky, of course, she can now move on to the Belmont Stakes." --Jay Leno

"And while in Louisville, Kentucky, they showed Hillary on the news at a mall, trying on three or four different pairs of reading glasses with the tags hanging down. Apparently, she's having trouble seeing the handwriting on the wall." --Jay Leno

"Last week, the California Supreme Court handed down a ruling legalizing gay marriage. Now, many are shocked and outraged. I get the outrage. But shocked? That California is pro-gay? I assume these are the same people who were shocked when Elton John finally came out, even though he had been wearing fuchsia sun goggles with windshield wipers for years. The argument over gay marriage rages on. And I think I have a solution. If gay or lesbian couples want to get married, one of you just say you are a man, and the other just say you're a woman. You won't have to change your name, or the way you dress. We'll take your word for it. No one will ask you to drop trou and whip it out, okay? That's illegal. I know that for a fact" --Stephen Colbert

And on that note,
Rules for California Gay Marriages
1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2) Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3) It's customary, at gay and lesbian nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.
5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand held lasers.
7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8) The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.
9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men, or I Will Survive.
10) The father of the Bottom has to pay for everything!

And now a little Heterosexual Married Humor: (from an unmarried friend, no less)

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

Marriage Commandments:
Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
Commandment10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

The judge turns to the woman and says: "I see you're divorcing your husband on the grounds he's an uncouth slob. Can you give me an example of this?" "Yes, your Honor", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out" "There's nothing wrong with that madam, in fact, it's considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out" says the judge. "But your honor" replies the woman "I wasn't talking about his finger"

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality.

Even though I have yet to see the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, here are18 Things I Learned from Indiana Jones:
It has been 19 years since we last saw Indiana Jones save the world from evil Nazis, marauding desert dwellers and general Armageddon. Dr. Jones may be an archeology professor, but he has taught us more than just artifacts. He's taught us valuable life lessons.
1 - If you throw a whip over any type of overhang, it will stick on the first shot and hold your body weight.
2 - Nazis are bad.
3 - Germans are really up on their biblical history.
4 - Egyptians are surprisingly good sidekicks... and a lot more helpful than little Asian kids.
5 - Always have a monkey around to eat the fruit before you do.
6 - Revolvers always beat swords.
7 - Airplane propellers beat revolvers.
8 - A solid gold statue weighs as much as two handfuls of sand.
9 - If you are at a party and someone says "Hey, let’s open up the Ark of the Covenant ," get the hell out of there.
10 - Never leave your hat behind. Ever.
11 - Never look down.
12 - Monkey brains and Jell-O are nearly interchangeable.
13 - Spiders are okay. Rats? No problem. But snakes...
14 - X really does mark the spot.
15 - There's always another way out.
16 - Jesus had lousy taste in drinkware.
17 - Metal Medallion + Open Flame = Cool Looking Hand Scar.
18 - Geritol and ibuprofen are miracle drugs.

Did you know?
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. (so why does it feel like a soccer ball when I need to pee?)
- It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. (and 10 seconds to my ass)
- One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). (no wonder my shower drain gets plugged!)
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
-The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
-The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died. (probably tripped on his beard)
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. (Chewbacca’ good to go fersure)
-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. (no wonder I can smell them from here)
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
-The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.(so do you want to be skinny or brainy?)
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
- It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.
-Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
-Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. (400 when you're drunk)
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. (remember mom's favourite universal solvent - spit on a kleenex)
-The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.
Checked the length of your thumb, didn't you?

So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation. The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there. The Water representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... Your card! Show him your card!

- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- A calendar's days are numbered.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

There once was a girl, a humdinger,
Around whom the boys liked to linger,
While babbling of love, but got nowhere. ''Go shove!''
She would say as she gave them the finger.

I know a guy who plays it so safe that he wears rubbers even during oral sex. Every Sunday morning his girlfriend blows him to condom come.

Useless stats you’ve so far managed to live without:
In chess, there are 169,518,829,100,544,000,000,000,000,000 ways to play the first ten moves.
It only takes 7 pounds of pressure to rip your ear off.
$26 billion in ransom has been paid out in the U.S. in the past 20 years.
You use more calories eating celery than there are in the celery itself.
On average, there are 178 sesame seeds on each McDonalds BigMac bun.
There are 1 million ants for every person in the world.
Odds of being killed by a dog - 1 in 700,000.
Odds of dying while in the bath tub - 1 in 1 million.
Odds of being killed by space debris - 1 in 5 billion.
Odds of being killed by poisoning - 1 in 86,000.
Odds of being killed by freezing - 1 in 3 million.
Odds of being killed by lightening - 1 in 2 million.
Odds of being killed in a car crash - 1 in 5,000.
Odds of being killed in a tornado - 1 in 2 million.
Odds of being killed by falling out of bed - 1 in 2 million.
Odds of being killed in a plane crash -1 in 25 million.
If you played all of the Beatles' singles and albums that came out between 1962 and 1970 back to back, it would only last for 10 hours and 33 minutes.
Termites eat through wood 2 times faster when listening to rock music.
The Apollo 11 only had 20 seconds of fuel when it landed.
13 people are killed each year by vending machine's falling on them.
There is a 1/4 pound of salt in every gallon of seawater.
About 1/3 of American adults are at least 20% above their recommended weight.
The average talker sprays about 300 microscopic saliva droplets per minute, about 2.5 droplets per word.
The average smell weighs 760 nanograms.
The Earth experiences 50,000 earthquakes each year.
Skin temperature does not go much above 95 degrees even on the hottest days.
314 Americans had buttock lift surgery in 1994.
Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000%.
Experts at Intel say that microprocessor speed will double every 18 months for at least 10 years.
The Earth's revolution time increases .0001 seconds annually.
Driving at 75 miles (121 km) per hour, it would take 258 days to drive around one of Saturn's rings.
Driving 55 miles (88 km) per hour instead of 65 miles (105 km) per hour increases your car mileage by about 15%.
Airbags explode at 200 miles (322 km) per hour.
If we had the same mortality rate now as in 1900, more than half the people in the world today would not be alive.
1/3 of all cancers are sun related.
The average person flexes the joints in their finger 24 million times during a lifetime.
There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee.
It would take 7 billion particles of fog to fill a teaspoon.
The average iceberg weighs 20 million tons.

Oldie Goldie (that’s becoming all too true these days)
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' She replies, 'Ralph, for the fifth fuckin' time, CHICKEN!'

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.
Then there were the lost tribes of Israel...they went MSN (missin') ...and also there was Abraham's kin...the Jews of Africa, Venice and Asia...they were known as the JAVA tribe...and they had a Sun...Microsystems...that is...and they were fruitful and multiplied...like viruses...The Viruses came from Poland...The Netsky's...and they met in the land of Canaan...and that was another Chapter dot com...not to be confused with Amazon dot com (olav a shalom)...
The other chapter has it that Goo from the land of Canaan met a beautiful young Egyptian, a daughter of one of the Pharoh's named Gle...and they met...and became Google...they searched for each other so long and once they met...things became clear...they kept track of everything around...and then don't forget the final part too...
The part about the music...a man played music...any kind you wanted...jazz, middle eastern...he was a Real Player...but he was well worth listening to.
And that is how it all began.
It wasn't Al Gore after all.