Friday Funnies April 18 08

"It's exciting to be here now because you know what's going to happen? The pope is coming to New York City. Can you feel the excitement? He arrived earlier today in Washington, D.C. Of course, he flew Virgin Atlantic." --David Letterman

"But did you hear about this? He's getting on the flight in Rome, and he was almost not allowed on the aircraft because he tried to bring on more than three ounces of holy water." --David Letterman

"President Bush also told the pope that he has prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush became president, we've all prayed every single day." --Jay Leno

"This seemed odd to me. For the pope's arrival ceremony at the White House tomorrow, they're going to give him a 21-gun salute. Now, really, isn't there a better welcome for the Apostle of Peace than a show of firearms? I mean, whose idea was that? Dick Cheney's?" --Jay Leno

"In an effort to try and connect with some of the rural voters in Pennsylvania, Hillary said she has gone hunting, and once shot a duck. Actually shot a duck. Don't confuse that with Barack. He shot himself in the foot. That's a totally different thing. Personally, I like Cheney. He shot a lawyer." --Jay Leno

"The Pope will be here tomorrow. You know who's picking him up at the airport? President Bush. This is true. It's the first time the President has ever picked up a visiting leader at the airport. See, that's when you know your presidency is winding down, when you're picking up people at the airport. And they expect tens of thousands of well-wishers to show up. Tens for Bush and thousands for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"Are you excited about the pope? He is rich, he is powerful, and guess what, girls, he's single. He is going to be in New York a couple of days and he is very busy. He will be at Yankee Stadium, saying Mass at the Yankee Stadium. That will be emotional. That will be his last Mass at the old stadium. That'll be on Sunday. Then on Monday he'll be performing in an exorcism at 'The View.' So he will have his work cut out for him there." --David Letterman

"So what is the drink of choice for this hard scrabble Archie Bunker-type? [on screen: Clinton requesting Crown Royal whiskey]. Yes. Nothing says blue collar like whiskey in a velvet pouch. You know it's the only alcohol with both crown and royal in the name. Got a word to fanciness ratio of 1-to-1. Bar keep, your gayest whiskey, please. I've had a heck of a day in the mines. By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams." --Jon Stewart

"You know, I hear what you're all saying, but doesn't elite mean good? Is that not something we're looking for in a president anymore? You know what, candidates? Come with me. I know elite is a bad word in politics. You want to go bowling and throw back a few beers. But the job you're applying for, if you get it and it goes well, they might carve your head into a mountain. If you don't actually think you're better than us, then what the fuck are you doing?" --Jon Stewart

"All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested in American Idol?" --Bill Maher

"Elton John had a big fundraiser for Hillary Clinton, and he scolded America. He said Hillary's campaign is hindered by the misogynist attitudes of Americans. Then he launched into his big hit, 'The Bitch is Back.'" --Bill Maher

"The campaign is on everyone's mind right now. And it was a big night for Hillary Clinton last night. Did you hear about this? ... Last night, in New York City, Elton John held a big fund-raiser for Senator Hillary Clinton. Yeah. It was big. Yeah. Things got off to an awkward start when Hillary and Elton showed up wearing the same pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight, all three presidential candidates, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John McCain appeared on a special 'American Idol.' They were on the show. See, we missed an opportunity. We should have voted for them right then and there, like they do on 'American Idol.' We have a president by tomorrow and save ourselves six months of this stupid campaigning." --Jay Leno

"Not to be outdone, Ralph Nader made a very special surprise appearance on 'The Biggest Loser.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something interesting I learned. Did you know, John McCain does not use the Secret Service protection? ... Yeah, yeah. He hasn't been using them. He has his own team. In fact, you know what you call those six guys that surround John McCain all the time? Pallbearers." --Jay Leno

"The number two man in Al Qaeda in iraq, terrorist mastermind Abu al-Masri, is dead. He is dead. He reportedly died of natural causes. Died of natural causes. That's when you know the war has been going on a long time. Okay? When your enemies just start dying of natural causes!" --Jay Leno

"This week in San Diego, a group of openly gay Republicans are holding their national convention. Openly gay republicans. Yeah. The gay convention is just like the regular convention, except instead of superdelegates, they have super fabulous delegates." --Conan O'Brien

"Politics is getting more and more interesting now. According to the insiders, Condoleezza Rice has been actively lobbying to be John McCain's vice presidential candidate. That would be interesting, don't you think? Condoleezza Rice, John McCain. Kind of like ebony and ornery." --Jay Leno

"I should be excited because this is a historic night for television. ... Earlier tonight, all three -- I don't think this has ever happened before -- all three presidential candidates appeared on 'American Idol.' That's true, yeah. ... It was interesting. Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell looked at them and said, 'Wait, there's a black guy, a woman and a cranky white guy. You stole our formula!'" --Conan O'Brien

"A new TV commercial for Hillary Clinton says she has, quote, a spine of steel. A spine of steel. When he heard this, John McCain said, 'Oh yeah, well, I've got a titanium hip'" --Conan O'Brien

Tips of the Day:
DON'T waste money on expensive Ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pee before the film starts.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by the post office.
BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on psychotic drugs.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside WalMart with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a damm anyway and you could use the saved energy to vaccum the house afterwards.

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last fucking white man to be called Winston!'

I've just loaded 'Air Canada Boeing 777 Simulator' onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Help Line and got through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'. So he stabbed her and ran off with her purse.

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother'

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they ALL YOURS???' 'Yep they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one be my oldest - him is Leroy.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one be Leroy, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?' Their Momma! replied, 'Well, yes - it make it easy. When it be time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if'n I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of dem stop dead still. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'' Then I call them by their last name'.

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Murphy's Laws On Sex
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Little Johnny's sister Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!' Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.' Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?' Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just wait and see all hell break loose when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a 'Handywoman' and started canvassing the neighbourhoods. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?' The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.' A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. 'You finished already?' the husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. 'And by the way,' the blonde added ... 'it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus'

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their bums. I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their bum is too fat... 10% of women think their bum is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Thoughts that haunt me:
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where the hell is that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

On the Home Front: Amazing Alternative Uses For Vodka:
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter then mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don’t swallow.
12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.
13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.
15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that are causing pain in your ear.
16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
19. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the poison oil from your skin.
20. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
21. If all else fails, just turn the bottle up and drink it, nothing will matter anymore anyway!

We can all learn something from kids:

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted. A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted.' 'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child 'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

An eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her, 'Are you God's wife?'

On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was 'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile. 'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.' 'Discouraged?' the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet!”

For those in a contemplative mood before Passover, here’s Jewku revisited:

JEWISH HAIKU:

On Passover we
opened the door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.

Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child
is an internist.

After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Like a bonsai tree,
is your terrible posture
at my dinner table.

Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.

Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

Quietly murmured
at Saturday Synagogue services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness.

Jewish Buddhism:

If there is no self,
Whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go,
There you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing..
Do not wish for perfect health,
Or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a
single Oy.

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
Will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha
With such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation
is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.