Friday Funnies June 27 08

"The latest Bloomberg poll shows Obama has a 15-point lead over John McCain. That's a big lead. He leads in men and in women and with young people, minorities. I think the only place that McCain is beating Obama is in calcium deposits right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I actually have a nice story about the presidential campaign. You hear a lot of negatives. ... John McCain's daughter is writing a children's book based on her father's life. Isn't that nice? Yeah, the children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman

"The CIA has a new theory -- they think they know where Osama Bin Laden is. They think that he's hiding in the mountainous regions of Pamela Anderson." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama's wife Michelle, have you noticed she's making the rounds now? You notice when you turn on the TV, she wasn't as visible before, but now she's everywhere. Yesterday on 'The View,' I don't know if you saw that, Barack Obama's wife Michelle did the fist-bump with all the co-hosts. She did that, yeah. And then she said that the fist-bump is the new high-five. That's what she said. Yeah, after hearing this, John McCain asked, 'What the hell is a high-five?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now, there's a lot of rumors going on, and the latest rumor, and this is everywhere. The latest rumor is that Hillary Clinton, now that she's lost the Democratic nomination, they're saying she's going to divorce Bill Clinton. That's the rumor. Hillary's exact quote was, 'Just because my dream didn't come true, doesn't mean his shouldn't.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama announced today that he will not accept $85 million in public financing for his presidential campaign. I guess he's raising more money on his own, but passing on $85 million, that can't be easy. Just to give you a sense of how much money that is, here are some things you could buy with $85 million: you could buy 85 million items at the 99 cent store; $85 million could get you a whole summer's worth of gas for your SUV, or [for] $85 million you could buy Heather Mills." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush went to Iowa today. Really, what's the hurry? Don't want to make the Katrina people jealous. No, he wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people from Iowa were a little confused. They weren't sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods, or his presidency." --Jay Leno

"Actor Alec Baldwin, now he's always controversial. I like when he opens his mouth. Alec Baldwin told the New York Post he would 'do' Hillary. That's what he said. He said he would 'do' Hillary. Oh, and Bill told Alec flat out, he said, 'Hey, if you ever get back with Kim Basinger, maybe we could work something out.'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is taking a a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? Think about this. You've been neglecting your job, trying to get a better job. You don't get that job. So, you take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of, and go on vacation. Huh? Imagine if you tried that with your boss. 'Hey, boss, listen. Boss, I'll tell you, I've been looking for another job. I am exhausted! I want to take a month off. Here's where you can send my check.' Let me know how that works out for you." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, President Bush said that he might not be the last President Bush if his brother, Jeb, decides to run. Yeah, when he heard this, Jeb said, 'Please stop reminding everyone we're related. Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton in the news. This week, Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her website, but none of the pictures show Bill Clinton. Yeah. Bill said, 'That's okay, none of the websites I go to have pictures of Hillary.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, residents of a Romanian village decided to reelect their dead mayor rather than vote for the younger man running against him. Yeah, when he heard about it, John McCain said, 'That's a good sign.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama says that he will visit Iraq, or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia. ... Barack Obama announced this week he'll visit Iraq and Afghanistan before the election in November. He said he wants to see an area that's been overrun by violent extremists. So, sounds like he already misses his old church." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics. Last night, they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, 'Too close to call.'" --Craig Ferguson

George Carlin, may he rest in peace! He developed from his beginnings as the Hippie Dippie Weatherman in the sixties to one of the funniest, sagest and most trenchant observational comedians and political satirists of our time. I still have to watch I don’t soil my drawers listening to or watching his “Seven words you can’t say on TV” routine. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Nrp7cj_tM)

Just a sampling of humourous lines attributed to the master:
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up a project, I end it?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am.' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I Do.' is the longest sentence?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?
Why is a procrastinator's work never done?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes'?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?'
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have a 'S' in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
If the 'black box' flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Recently, a large hospital hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. 'You are all part of our team now,' said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees.' The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, 'You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole hospital's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?' The cannibals all shook their heads, 'No.' After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, 'Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?' A hand rose hesitantly. 'You fool!' the leader continued. 'For four weeks we've be en eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!'

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A newly married couple were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she, with the Thing.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

What with the price of gas and the fear of recession and threat of terrorism, the airlines are all in trouble. Here are some ideas put forward to help the situation.
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.' Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. God, If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed. And just like that, her ears fell off.

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers 85 floors up, the other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman and only one recurring thought is running through both of their minds – Don’t look down…don’t look down…don’t look down…’’

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination. Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit – it’s been renamed the box office!

Fox News Press Release - 17JUNE 08 - In response to a number of complaints that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on the network, FOX has announced that they will now air 'America 's Most Wanted' TWICE a week.

Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:
So simple yet so profound........'I have outlived my dick.'

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The food we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, an old Jewish man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Vedding Cake."

America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies. The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three generals. The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics, an armour General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach espionage. The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors, and General Dynamics.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A husband comes home from work one evening and there was his wife in the kitchen crying out loud. "What's the matter, darling?" he asked her. "I just don't know what to do," she said. "I planned for us to eat in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it." "Don't worry," said the husband, "I'll get us another dog."

We have been having a bit of marital tension in our household of late and I decided to speak to my Rabbi. After telling him a bit about our situation he said, "You know, quite often G-d speaks to us through our wives." I looked at the Rabbi kind of funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know G-d used that kind of language!"

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.': 'Is that you, Steve?' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.' 'That's wonderful! What's it like?' 'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.' 'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!' 'Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .'

An interviewer asked an 84-year-old bride to be about her life and what it felt like to be marrying again at 84 and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. The newsman said, “That’s interesting, would you mind telling me about your first three husbands and what they did for a living.?” She paused for a moment, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early twenties, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her forties, later on a preacher when in her sixties and now, in her eighties, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. “It’s easy, son,” she smiled. “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!”

Jewish Vs. Goyish by Marnie Winston-Macauley
Some things just ',feel', Jewish, while others don't. 'Dig... if you live in New York or any other big city you are Jewish. It doesn't matter if you are Catholic. If you live in New York you are Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.' - Lenny Bruce

Lenny Bruce started it, and David Kamp in his 1999 hysterical GQ article continued it, but face it, there are some things that 'feel' Jewish - Jewish or not, while other things 'feel' Goyish - even if they're Jewish. Why? Our theory is, that it has something to do with The Hamish Factor (HF), but we're not sure. So, to test our theory Jewlarious has developed this hendy-dendy 'Hemishing test' to see if you can spot Jewish vs. Goyish. And by all means, feel free to add to it!

JEWISH VS. GOYISH
Landscaping is Jewish - Gardening is Goyish
Bittersweet chocolate is Jewish - White chocolate is Goyish
The Simpsons are Jewish - King of the Hill is Goyish
Allergies are Jewish - Colds are Goyish
Monk and Columbo are Jewish - Steve McGarrett (Hawaii Five-O) and Joe Friday (Dragnet) are Goyish
Cucumbers are Jewish - Cucumber sandwiches are Goyish
Deal or No Deal is Jewish - The Price is Right is Goyish
Rachael Ray is Jewish - Martha Stewart is Goyish
Google is Jewish - Ask Jeeves is Goyish
Buffet is Jewish - Tapas is Goyish
Resorts are Jewish - Country clubs are Goyish
Ray Barone is Jewish - Doug Heffernan is Goyish
Heinz is Jewish - Hunts is Goyish
Golden Girls is Jewish - Desperate Housewives is Goyish
Diet Coke is Jewish - Diet Kool-Aid is Goyish
Rice pudding with raisins is Jewish - Jell-O with cling peaches hanging is Goyish
Mork is Jewish - Mindy is Goyish
Entemann's is Jewish - SnackWells is Goyish
Motorboats are Jewish - Sailboats are Goyish
Bloomingdale's is Jewish - Macy's is Goyish
Superman is Jewish - Lois Lane is Goyish
Seltzer is Jewish - Club soda is Goyish
Law and Order is JewishCSI is Goyish
Weight loss camps are Jewish - Wilderness camps are Goyish
Your Uncle in the Jewelry District is Jewish - Tiffany's is Goyish
The Tony Awards are Jewish - The Country Music Awards are Goyish
The Pillsbury Doughboy is Jewish - Mr. Clean is Goyish
Colin Powell is Jewish - Condoleezza Rice is Goyish
The Catskill Mountains are Jewish - Mountain climbing is Goyish
Peas are Jewish - Black-eyed Peas are Goyish
Capris are Jewish - Diesels are Goyish
Cinderella is Jewish - Snow White is Goyish
E-Bay is Jewish - The Home Shopping Network is Goyish
Survivor is Jewish - American Idol is Goyish