Friday Funnies May 9 08

"Hillary needed to win decisively in both states tonight, she didn't do that, which means her chances to win the nomination are very slim. But will she quit? Oh, not a chance. She will stay in the race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get 600 bucks, plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists." --Jay Leno

"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on 'Oprah' - 17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. That was nice. Yeah. Then the president said, 'Now, let's get back to building that fence.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton told 'People' magazine this week she's never had cosmetic surgery. She said it it's not for her. You know how politicians hate anything that's fake. You know, they don't like that. Actually, there was a rumor she had cosmetic surgery back in the '90s. They said she had her eyes done when she was First Lady. It turns out it was right after the scandal. They just took the blinders off. That was all. No actual surgery was involved." --Jay Leno

"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Barbara Walters said that when she was young, she had an affair with a member of the Senate. Yeah, it turns out, it was a member of the Roman Senate." --Conan O'Brien

"And this week, the government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get $600, plus $300 for every child you have. That means so far, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have taken in over $44,000. Pretty nice." --Jay Leno

"Boy, it is hard to keep up with all these crises we have in America. Remember last week, when everybody in America was obese? Remember that? This week there's a food shortage. What happened over the weekend? Did we pig out and eat all the food?" --Jay Leno

The weather’s getting better so let’s have a repeat of the TOP 10 - BEST GOLF CADDIE REMARKS:
#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. 'The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

An old man goes into a pharmacy to buy some Viagra. 'Can I have 6 tablets please, cut in quarters?' he asked the pharmacist. 'I can cut them for you ' said the pharmacist ' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.' ‘I am 96 ' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes. '

Old Paddy is back from Thailand with his new Thai bride. Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says. You must love that - you haven't left it alone, since we got back.' The bride replied, 'Not really, I just miss mine.'

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed his revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you'?

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake, "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly part of upper management."

More ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’:

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but
why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. Oh, by the way, I slept with a married senator.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white?
We need some black chickens.

Amazingly simple home recipes:
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a huge dose of laxatives and you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life – WD40 and Duct Tape – If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the Duct Tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily thought – Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy - READ SLOWLY:
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. (I said, 'Read slowly' )
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

A Little Canadian Humor, Forget Rednecks, Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, You may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don't work there, You may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation With someone who dialed a wrong number, You may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada.
If you know several people Who have hit a deer more than once, You may live in Canada.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' In the same day and back again, You may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow During a raging blizzard without flinching, You may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage,But leave both unlocked, You may live in Canada.
If you carry jumpers in your car And your wife knows how to use them, You may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume To fit over a snowsuit, You may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- You're going 90 and everybody is passing you, You may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter Because the potholes are filled with snow, You may live in Canada.
If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, And road construction, You may live in Canada.
If you have more miles On your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', You may live in Canada.

The husband, having just finished reading the book, 'Man of the House', strode into the kitchen and up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said: "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair??" His wife replied, "The Chevra Kadisha?"

The Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at First Baptist Church in Summersville, West Virginia)
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The little girl said, "Well, who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? " "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
As the priestly blessing says, “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.”
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.