Friday Funnies May 2 08

"Well, after that long, drawn-out primary in PA the choices are still the same. You've got McCain, Obama and Clinton. Or to use their pro-wrestler names The Geezer, The Pleaser and the Freezer, ladies and gentlemen." --Jay Leno

"A new study has found that young voters overwhelmingly prefer Barack Obama to Hillary Clinton. Yeah, the same study found that Bill Clinton overwhelmingly prefers young voters to Hillary Clinton. So, they sort of matched up."

"President Bush says that the $300 rebate we've been promised, the rebate checks from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It's nice. Good news, yeah. Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. You're right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We're screwed" --Conan O'Brien

"Big day at the White House today. I've got to mention this. Today, at the White House, President Bush was busy. President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment when, during the ceremony, Bush said, 'This is a great day for all Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The media is still analyzing Hillary Clinton's win in Pennsylvania. That's all they're talking about. Political experts are now saying that one reason Hillary Clinton defeated Barack Obama in Pennsylvania is because senior citizens prefer her. They like her. Senior citizens say they like Hillary because if you squint, she kinda looks like Blanche from the 'Golden Girls.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, experts say the big test for Barack Obama will be surviving the negative attacks. The big test for Hillary Clinton, of course, is surviving North Carolina. The big test for John McCain is just surviving until November." --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama is suffering from a bad headache today. His former pastor, Reverend Wright, is back out there. Reverend Wright gave an interview earlier tonight on PBS with Bill Moyers, and he said he's gotten over a million emails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out, and every one of them came from Hillary Clinton. It was amazing." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... I'm going to use my check to buy enough gas to drive to the bank and cash it. And then maybe back. The rebates were pushed through by the president to help get the economy going. It's kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until the cupcakes are gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It's thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there." --Craig Ferguson

"I don't want to sit next to John McCain. I don't want to be the one who has to cut his meat into little pieces." --Craig Ferguson

"Former Governor Eliot Spitzer, you all remember him. He had a little problem not too long ago. He's back in the news, ladies and gentlemen. This is good news for me. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is reportedly gonna write a book about his hooker scandal. Apparently, that's true. That's what I hear, yeah. Yeah, the good news about Spitzer's book: apparently, it has a happy ending." --Conan O'Brien

"'Us' magazine says that Nicole Richie has endorsed Barack Obama for president. Nicole Richie has endorsed Barack Obama. Richie said, 'I'd throw my weight behind him, but I don't have any.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton announced today she'll appear on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there's Bill O'Reilly." --Craig Ferguson

"How about that John McCain? John McCain is the guy, don't you think? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy that walks into Circuit City and says, 'Do you have typewriter ribbons?'" --David Letterman

"Today, John McCain campaigned across the state of Florida. He's in Florida. Yeah, McCain likes campaigning in Florida because everyone there calls him 'the Kid.' ... His charming youthfulness amuses them." --Conan O'Brien

"The Bush administration wants our nation's 80 million recreational boaters to help fight terrorism by watching out for small boats that could deliver a nuclear bomb. Well, that should work out well, huh? You got a bunch of beer-drinking fishermen in bass boats with rifles. What could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno

"And boy, it was hot this weekend. ... You know what makes it really uncomfortable? It's not the heat. It's not even the humidity. It's just Al Gore going, 'I told you so! I told you so!'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, it was so hot, Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to another debate, just so she could get the cold shoulder." --Jay Leno

A Danish observation on the U.S. electoral process:
"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election. On the one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship. Is there a contest here?"

20 ways to keep your sanity!
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your trash can on your desk and label it 'In box'.
5 Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'For Sexual Favors'
7. Finish all your sentences with, 'In accordance with the prophecy.'
8 dont use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To go'
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme
14. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play tropical sounds all day.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream 'I won! I won!'
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, 'Run for your lives - they're loose!'
19. Tell your children over dinner. 'Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go.'

Points to ponder:
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
5. I don't do drugs anymore, 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25.. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

BLONDE LOGIC
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C"....isn' t it?
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound - I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911.... "duh"....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says. The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE.'

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you," the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says," I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!"

A friend sent me the following e-mail:
“Today, RCMP found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a beer belly, saggy balls, wrinkly ass and a small dick. I was just checking to make sure you are okay.”
With friends like that, who needs enemas?

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.' The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.' A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it? 'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

When I was born, God gave me a choice. I could have a good memory or I could be good in bed! Fuck! Now I forgot what I was going to say.

Oldie Goldie
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.' 'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun. 'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.' 'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.' 'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly. 'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.' 'That wicked old bastard' said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!'

Three women, one engaged, one married and one mistress were chatting about their relationships. They decided to surprise their men and that night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days, they got together over lunch and the engaged woman said, "The other night my fiancé came over and found me with the black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask over my eyes" When he saw me he said, "You are the woman for me, I love you very much" and we then made love all night. The Mistress said "Me too" I met him at his office wearing the black leather bodice underneath my raincoat and the eye mask and stiletto heels". He did not say a word but we made love again and again on his office desk" The married woman then said "I sent the kids to my mum's place for the night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the black leather bodice, black stockings, stiletto heels and an eye mask." As soon as he came through the door he said "What's for dinner Batman?

Think a gallon of gas is expensive? Here’s a little perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 .. $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ..... . $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ....$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source (Evian spelled backwards is Naive)
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the printer ink at $5,200 a gallon.
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists cares for you.
9 When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10 When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11 Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

Good friends are like stars.......you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
'Whenever God closes one door he always opens another, even though sometimes it's hell in the hallway'
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.

Happiness keeps you sweet,
Trials keep you strong,
Sorrows keep you human,
Failures keep you humble,
Success keeps you glowing,
But only God keeps you going.

And always remember....when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!