Friday Funnies April 25 08

"Of course, all the presidential candidates seized on the pope's visit. And people are speculating which presidential candidate is most like the pope. And it's hard to say. I mean, you got John McCain, he's the old guy. He's closest to God. Barack Obama is the elitist. He's holier than thou. And, of course, Hillary who is married to Bill Clinton, and who has forgiven more sin than Hillary? How do you pick one?" --Jay Leno

"I'm no pundit, I'm no political expert, but here is the problem with what the Democrats are doing. They're spending too much time attacking one another, and not enough time trying to rig the election. That's the problem." --David Letterman

"It's very close, I guess, between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Both candidates are trying whatever they can. This is the latest. This weekend, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. That's true, yeah. Yeah, when asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, 'I've never seen so many women with my mom's haircut.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now here's something interesting. You know the Howie Mandel blockbuster quiz show, the game show 'Deal or No Deal?' Earlier tonight, appearing on 'Deal or No Deal,' President Bush. Meanwhile, over at ABC's 'Dancing with the Stars,' Dick Cheney collapsed."

"But it's true, Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Apparently he didn't feel he was ready for 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?'" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is still attacking Barack Obama. She said Barack seemed to be complaining about being asked too many questions. She said if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Now, don't confuse that with what she said about Bill Clinton. When he's in heat, stay out of the Oval Office." --Jay Leno

"According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist." --Jay Leno

"And earlier this evening, President Bush made an appearance on the TV show 'Deal or No Deal.' I guess he got turned down for 'Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?'" --Jay Leno

"Also in Washington this week, President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now, if you reverse HUD, you get 'duh.'" --Jay Leno

"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher

"Of course they dwelt a lot on the giant fake controversy that was started at the end of last week when Barack Obama said that small-town Americans are bitter and, because they're bitter about politics, they're clinging to religion and guns, which upset these people so much, they don't know whether to turn the other cheek or shoot them." --Bill Maher

"As you would expect, Hillary was completely fake-outraged by this. Every day she has called for him to retract these comments, because they're elitist and offensive. They're offensive to poor, rural Americans that she relates to. And she is pulling out all the stops to let these people know that she is one of them. Today, she came out strongly against teeth." --Bill Maher

"And with oil prices hitting an all-time high, Barack Obama promised today if he is elected, he will fund research to develop a car that runs on the bitterness of economically-strapped Pennsylvania voters." --Jay Leno

"You know that since George Bush has become president, gas has basically tripled in price. Now, Bush is an oil man. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I'm just saying that if we had elected Colonel Sanders president, and the price of chicken had tripled, I'd be a little suspicious." --Bill Maher

"How many watched the debate last night? [on screen: Light cheers and a few boos]. How many watched 'American Idol?' [on screen: Loud cheers and applause]. You get the government you deserve." --Jay Leno

"And at the party yesterday, Pope Benedict spoke out against evil, and then Dick Cheney gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"And then, you know what they did? The pope, God bless him, has the popemobile. He said the mass and he takes off in the popemobile, and then President Bush followed him in the dopemobile." --David Letterman
"This was a nice thing. President Bush and the pope met privately at the White House. And they prayed together at the White House. And ... I'm checking on this, it was the first time anyone had been on their knees in the Oval Office since, uh ... Oh, I can't remember," --David Letterman

"It was pretty amazing today. 46,000 people showed up to see the pope in the Washington Nationals ballpark, and he beat the Nationals 15-1. Terrible team, by the way." --Jay Leno

"46,000 people, and to make sure the crowd did not get unruly, they cut off beer sales after the seventh commandment." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of New York, tax records show that the New York Governor, David Paterson, made $270,000 last year, but only gave $150 to charity. Now, his predecessor, Governor Spitzer, he gave thousands of dollars to charity. At least I think that was her name." --Jay Leno

"The White House held a big dinner tonight honoring the pope, but the pope chose not to attend. He didn't attend the dinner. I think President Bush was a little hurt. In fact, he said today, 'You know, after the trouble we went through to prepare a kosher meal." --Jay Leno

Actually, one really embarrassing moment, you see this on the news? When the pope blessed the crowd with holy water? Well, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney, burned his skin." --Jay Leno

"Did you see the pope's plane land yesterday? I think it's called, was it 'Shepherd One'? Is that the name of the pope's plane? 'Shepherd One'? And he's also German, isn't he? ... So that would make it 'German Shepherd One.'" --Jay Leno

"And today, John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he's talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates, he is the only one who's actually lived through an ice age." --Jay Leno

"Actually, I think President Bush starting to change his opinion on global warming. Today, he announced an initiative to combat global warming. Again, I don't think he really understands the issue. He says his first act would be to order the Department of Energy to start drilling for solar power." --Jay Leno

"Now think about this ... the pope [is] 81 years old, and he's going to be saying a mass at Nationals Stadium in Washington Thursday, and then on Sunday, he'll be saying a mass at Yankee Stadium on Sunday. And I'm worried about that Sunday Mass because the pope will be doing that one on two days' rest. What a schedule. And right after the mass at Yankee Stadium, the pope goes down to Madison Square Garden and administers the last rites for the Knicks" --David Letterman

"Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! He hath done it! [on screen: photo of Pres. Bush and Pope Benedict]. Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They're both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It's a fine line." --Stephen Colbert

"A big debate earlier tonight in Philadelphia between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. So we'll finally find out if it's a City of Brotherly Love, or if they're going to go with the old white lady." --Jay Leno

The last time Hillary Clinton was in an underdog role, the situation involved her, her husband, and a Golden Retriever.

There’s talk of a BBC documentary exploring Heather Mills’ lurid past as an ‘escort’ for wealthy businessmen including a Saudi prince and arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi. I guess she’s a true blonde to go after an arms dealer!

Q and A from the AARP:

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gee, I remember these."

Rodney Dangerfield who once said . .. .
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpocket s, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

The difference between men and women:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though the whole bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland , Japan , India , etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ' Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses.... ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE F..K UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ASS MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKIN HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKIN BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?' and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion. "The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, no body wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger … CLICK … empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual ... CLICK ... empty. The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an
African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?" The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."

On the Home Front: The Skinny On WD-40: The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
Here are some of the uses
1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewellery chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37) Florida's favourite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favourite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
PS The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.A Birth Certificate shows that we were born, a Death Certificate shows that we died, pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat, relax and read slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.

I Believe…
I’ll have a drink to life! L’chaim! (no Scotch - it's still Passover - better make it a Slivovitz or prune juice, depending on your needs! – make mine a Slivovitz.