Friday Funnies August 1 08

"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson

"Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he'd name David Hasselhoff as vice president." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how bad things are for McCain right now, the only way he could get less coverage is if he got a primetime show on NBC." --Jay Leno

"McCain said he'd balance the budget by the end of the year, and Barack Obama said he'd would bring peace between Israel and the Palestinians. I don't know who not to believe." -Jay Leno

"Then this morning, the senator paid a visit to the Western Wall, one of the holiest sites in Judaism, where he followed the custom of putting a message into one of the wall's crevices. It's typically a prayer God. Through my connections, I managed to get a hold of Obama's prayer. It reads, 'Dear God, Please protect my nuts from Jesse Jackson.' Gotta make sure this gets back in that wall. Note to self, put back in wall." --Stephen Colbert

"Barack Obama was in Israel today. Did you see Barack wearing the traditional Jewish yarmulke? He looked very Jewish. Yeah. In fact, Jesse Jackson said, I'd like to circumcise him." --Jay Leno

"But people in the Middle East, you know, they love this Barack Obama, and I think the reason that they love the guy is because finally, [there's] a guy who can pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is in the Middle East. He's in Israel today. While poor John McCain was stuck in a supermarket in Pennsylvania [on screen: McCain speaking in a Pennsylvania supermarket, in front of the cold cuts section]. I think he's in the cold cuts section. Excuse me, senator, can I get the Kraft singles for a second?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Things are not going particularly well for John McCain. He's way behind in the polls and there's news that barack obama's merchandise is outselling John McCain by four to one. McCain has a strong lead when it comes to sales of the McClapper and the McDiaper, which I wore ... during the Super Bowl. They're excellent." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nation, lately, all the economic news has been bad. First, the government had to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It is our own fault for naming our lending institutions after the starts of 'Hee Haw.' Then there was Indymac, the third-largest bank failure in U.S. history. Without Indymac, where will indie bands put all the money they're not making? Folks, it's getting so these days I'm keeping all my assets under my mattress, which is fitting, because I'm heavily invested in old Playboys. Most disturbing of all, last week, the dollar hit another record low against the Euro. The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective, that's more than a dollar" --Stephen Colbert

"In world news, I guess you've heard Barack Obama [was] elected Chancellor of Germany, ladies and gentlemen. ... As you know, yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland. John McCain was in Grandfather Land." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in France today. And again, McCain doing everything to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the French toast combo at IHOP." --Jay Leno

"You can tell the French are still a little gun shy. After speaking in front of 200,000 Germans yesterday, when Obama arrived in France today, they said, 'You came alone, right?" --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama landed in London just about an hour ago. He's in London now. And to prepare for his visit to England, he didn't brush his teeth for four days." --Jay Leno

"Well, the other big political story, if you believe there are two Americas, then John Edwards is in trouble in both of them. Do you know about this? The mainstream media [is] now starting to report a story that was first broken by the National Enquirer that John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend's hotel room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel at 2:00 in the morning. The woman had a room at the Beverly Hilton. So, at least he is not another politician screwing the poor." --Jay Leno

"If this story turns out to be true, there go his chances at becoming vice president. He could still be governor of New York, yes." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, federal immigration officials arrested 43 illegal immigrants from Mexico in Hawaii! In Hawaii! How lost were they? Boy! And today, President Bush called for building a fence around Hawaii." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday Barack Obama visited a doctor, and he received treatment for a sore hip. Yeah, after hearing about it, John McCain said 'If he wants it replaced, I know just the guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During a recent concert, British pop star George Michael said that Barack Obama should pick Hillary Clinton as his vice president. Yeah. George Michael says he's been a huge Hillary fan ever since she started copying his Wham! haircut." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a lot of what they call buzz going around in the blogosphere right now that Barack Obama will choose the Governor of Virginia, this guy Tim Kaine, to be his running mate. Officially Obama hasn't said anything, all they say is that he's narrowed the pool of candidates down to 'Not Hillary.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama was on 'Meet The Press' Sunday. John McCain was on a new show called 'I Wish I Could Meet The Press.'" --Jay Leno

"Polls show that Barack Obama is more popular than John McCain in Germany, France and Great Britain. However, John McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul, and the Holy Roman Empire." --Jay Leno

"Heard about this group called 'Prayer at the Pump'? There are prayer groups that are springing up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan." --Jay Leno

"John McCain campaigning very hard. Last night John McCain appeared on 'Larry King Live.' Yeah. The show consisted of a five-minute interview and a 55-minute pee break." --Conan O'Brien

July 25, 2008 The Times Gerard Baker
He ventured forth to bring light to the world. The anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful followers.
And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.
The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.
When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”
In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.
And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world.
He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where theTaliban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.
And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued, the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.
From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.
And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.
And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.
From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.
In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.
As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.
And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.
The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.
And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.
Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.
And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.
Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.
But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.
And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.
Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.
On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.
And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”

Barack Obama, the Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.' Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

A Modern Parable
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motor) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channelled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters. The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.
The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads and collecting bonuses...
This might be funny if it weren’t so true.

Just in Time For Summer Vacation - Listen up City Slickers!
THE RULES OF RURAL ONTARIO
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap straight, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 7 & 401 goes east and west, Hwy 15 & 416 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Ontario waves. It's called 'being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. There's little for 'vegetarians' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. Ontario HockeyLeague and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Maple Leafs and Montreal Habs, and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
17.. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Armed Forces. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1).
20. 2 inches of snow and ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.

A few items from Reader’s Digest:

Do you know why Sherlock Holmes never has to pay any income tax? Because of all his brilliant deductions!

My wife just can’t resist a sale. She’ll buy anything marked down - last night she came home with an escalator.

A pregnant lady was dodging her way thru traffic against the light. One guy who had to brake and swerve to avoid her yelled out, “Hey lady - you can get knocked DOWN too!”

A group of office workers sitting around at lunch were discussing illegal immigration. One woman said she’d heard that 60 per cent of Americans are immigrants. An older man said, “That couldn’t possibly be true.” A native American chimed in, “I agree - there’s a lot more of you than that!”

Two older policemen were walking their beat when two teenagers flashed them the peace sign. One of the old guys said under his breath, “Oh great! Now they're giving us two fingers!”
Updated Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said "Fuck’im, he's only an egg.

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you idiot!'

Georgie Porgie Puddin’ and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked
The boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
Twas split right up the front
But she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card...."Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather
than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location!"

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints!"

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

drug, n: A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.

Excerpts from the comic strip, “Why We’ll Never Understand Each Other”:

What she heard: "It’s your lot in life to stop whatever it is you’re doing in order to serve my every need."
What he said: "Honey, do you know if we have any more triple-A batteries?"

What she heard: "Life as we know it will cease to exist unless you can alter the space-time continuum."
What he said: "Honey, are you almost ready yet?"

What she heard: "You don’t expect me to take care of the kids, clean the house and make dinner do you?"
What he said: "Feeling any better, honey?"

What she heard: "Anything less than absolute perfection makes you an utter failure as a wife and mother."
What he said: "Mom is coming over for dinner."

What he heard: "You are way too stupid to be trusted driving alone in bad weather."
What she said: "Drive carefully, dear."

What he heard: "I’m going to make you wish you were dead for the rest of the week."
What she said: "Tell me the truth, honey, do I look fat in this?"

What he heard: "Honey, why don’t you put your head in a vice and I’ll turn the handle until your skull explodes."
What she said: "Honey, why don’t we turn off the TV and just talk."

What he heard: "Your right to independent thought and ability to form an opinion has been revoked."
What she said: "I do."

One night, Suzanne found her husband just standing, staring at the crib while their baby girl slept. She saw his face register disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, wonder, enchantment, and concern. Touched by his unusual emotional display, she slipped her arms around him and whispered, "A penny for your thoughts." He softly replied, "I'm amazed that they can make a crib like that for only a hundred bucks!"

Two executives were talking in the executive washroom. "My wife says I don't display enough passion. Imagine the audacity! I think I'll send her a memo!"

Bob and Bill were talking at the bar. Bob looked really down in the dumps. "What's wrong, Bob?" asked Bill. Bob sighed. "I just don't get it. The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many people to please. I dated this one woman, she liked me and her mom liked me but her father hated me. And this other woman, both her parents liked me but she didn't like me that much. And then last week I met this woman who absolutely loved me, her parents liked me... but her husband couldn't stand me!"

Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. His wife dragged him to the window and pointed to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance. "See how big that is?" she asked. "They will always make it faster than you can drink it." "Maybe so," slurred Murphy, "but I've got 'em workin' nights!"

A MESSAGE TO THE PUBLIC OF BRITISH COLUMBIA
The provincial government is sending each and every one of us a $100 rebate for the carbon tax.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to the U.S.
If we spend it on gas, it will go to the Arabs or Alberta
If we purchase a computer, it will go to Taiwan
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala
If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan or Korea or Europe,
If we purchase useless crap, it will go to China and none of it will help the B.C. economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and marijuana, since these are the only products still produced here in B.C.
Thank you for your help and support,
Gordon Campbell
Premier of British Columbia

A grandmother was telling her granddaughter about the "good old days." "When a gentleman and lady were interested in each other, eventually they would start 'spooning'." The young girl asked, "Why did they call it 'spooning,' grandma?" And Grandma replied, "I guess because it sounded better than to say we were out 'forking!' "

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? .... What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes. 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that? 'Again the little boy nodded. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?' Again the little boy nodded. 'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother.'