Friday Funnies June 6 08

"Folks, this is it. Final clearance. All Hillary Clinton jokes must go tonight. Everything must go." --Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, who secured enough delegates last night to get the nomination. Congratulations to him. Hey, Hillary Clinton is still not conceding her campaign, because she says there's still a chance of the vice presidency. In fact, she's going to offer it to Barack one last time." --Jay Leno

"So that's the big question on everybody's mind. What does Hillary want? Of course, the bigger question is, who's going to tell her she can't get it?" --Jay Leno

"Well, according to sources in Hillary's camp, Hillary Clinton says she is open to being Barack Obama's running mate. Here's my question: How can she ask him for a job when she won't admit he's the guy that's going to be doing the hiring?" --Jay Leno

"During her speech last night, you know, Hillary kept referring to Barack as 'my friend, my friend.' You notice, every time she called Barack 'my friend,' she said it in the same tone as when she calls Bill, 'my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, and in his speech last night, John McCain said we must get off of fossil fuels. See, that's why a lot of people admire McCain. That's why he's considered such a maverick. Here you have a fossil, coming out against fossil fuel." --Jay Leno

"What a day here in New York City - the weather, it's 71 and hazy, kind of like John McCain." --David Letterman

"It's 67 and gloomy, like Hillary Clinton." --David Letterman

"So she's here to stay. Hillary is taking it pretty well, I think. She actually said she's looking forward to spending more time with Chelsea, Bill, and Gina Gershon." --David Letterman

"Let's talk about the presidential Democratic primary. Over the weekend, I guess you know this, Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rican primary. Yeah, and you know what that means? Now she is president of Puerto Rico." --David Letterman

"Hillary now says that she is winning the popular vote. And Al Gore said yeah, well, a lot of good that does." --David Letterman

"But, you know, people are now talking about the ticket, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Would that be a good ticket? Would you folks like that ticket? And I think this would be the first, if you think about it, first combination of an African American man and a white woman since, well, Michael Jackson." --David Letterman

"Sad news from the world of fashion, famous designer Yves Saint Laurent passed away, were you aware of that? Yup. And today Hillary Clinton, out of respect, wore her pantsuit at half-mast." --David Letterman

"In his new book, President Bush's former press secretary said that Bush has a lack of inquisitiveness. Yeah. When he heard this, Bush said, 'I don't know what he's saying, and I don't care.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, it looks like the Democrats finally solved their delegate problem. It seems the Democratic Party rules panel agreed to allow delegates from Florida and Michigan to take part in the convention, but each delegate will only count as half a vote. You've heard of superdelegates? These are the new fun-sized delegates." --Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, Barack Obama left his church. And after, he said to Hillary, 'O.K., now it's your turn to quit something.'" --Jay Leno

"No, Barack Obama says he's now looking for a new church, preferably one where the religious order has to take a vow of silence." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain, as you know, has released all his medical records. All indications are McCain is in very good health. But of course, they're still waiting for that report from the coroner." --Jay Leno

"No, they say McCain does take some medication, including Ambien to help him sleep. But they said he could eliminate the sleeping pills if he picks Mitt Romney as vice president." --Jay Leno

"No, McCain's doctor said Senator McCain is decades younger than his age. But then, so is President Bush, who is, what, in his early 60s? But he has the mind of a 12-year-old." --Jay Leno

Political Science for Dummies (the updated version):

Democrat - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

Republican - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Socialist - You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Communist - You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Capitalism, American Style - You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Beaurocracy, American Style - You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

American Corporation - You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

French Corporation - You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Japanese Corporation - You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German Corporation - You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Italian Corporation - You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Russian Corporation - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation - You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

Iraqi Corporation - You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Polish Corporation - You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Belgian Corporation - You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

Florida Corporation - You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

California Corporation - You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. 'Damn Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims. 'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it.' 'What do you mean?' Jim asked. 'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.' Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!' 'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?' 'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.' 'Crisco?' Bob exclaimed. 'Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!
MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!

A middle-aged man is sitting in a mall staring at a teenage boy with multi-coloured spiked hair. Finally, in exasperation, the teenager asks, “What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?” The man replied, “Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”

Why Guys Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Buy or Rent?
I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs. On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right? But, had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million). Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees. Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

A little boy watches his Grandpa drinking a beer and asks if he can have one. Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'. Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'. A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?' Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'. Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?' The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'. The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me'.

And, once again, from the “With friends like these, who needs enemas” department:
A buddy emailed me to say he had great news! He said, “I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought it would be a cheap night for you.”

There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor;
She awoke in dismay
When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker!"

What gets longer when pulled...
Fits between boobs...
Inserts neatly in a hole, and
Works best when jerked...

Answer: A seat belt, you pervert! -- BUCKLE UP!

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.The little boy says, 'It's dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Do you want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad is outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'It's dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, 'It's dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; You're in my closet now.'

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas," the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and in to his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up."Wow!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered,” B.P.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business"
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop inMilwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office : "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company : "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window : "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home : "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station , "Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen. "Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months" "There you have it!" the doctor Cohen said confidently. "It's just rust."