Friday Funnies July 18 08

"And the African-American cable network TV One is coming under fire for its plans to cover the Democratic convention, but not the Republican convention. And believe me, black Republicans are very upset -- both of them." --Jay Leno

"This is what I love about America. According to a new report, after people started getting their government stimulus checks in the mail, internet porn sites had a 30% increase. You know what that means? People use their stimulus package to stimulate their packages." --Jay Leno

"If you haven't heard by now, on Fox News the other day, during an interview, Jesse Jackson, not realizing the mic was open, said some pretty nasty things about Barack Obama. I can't say what he said, I'm paraphrasing, he said he would like to 'cut his testicles off.' That's paraphrasing, he used another word. Well today, Hillary Clinton commented on the remarks, by saying, 'I don't know what the big deal is, I say that to Bill at least once a week.'" --Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child." --Jay Leno

"Well, I mentioned at the top of the show, by now everybody's heard about this, the controversial comments by Jesse Jackson made while he was waiting to appear on a Fox News program. But just to be clear, I think we should all take a look at those comments, once again. Let's examine them [on-screen: the unaltered Fox footage of Jackson, with captions]. Yeah, well everyone's shocked by that, but what's really incredible is that Fox News says that there's more footage of Jesse Jackson, that apparently he talked for a while, and the other footage is even more embarrassing. I think we're the first show to break this, take a look. [on-screen: Jackson footage again, unaltered, until after the 'wanna cut his nuts out' comment. From there, another voice is synced over footage in stage whisper, captioned and saying: 'I'm gonna take some cutting tools, to his family jewels. I want him to say ouch, when I deflate his pouch. I'll show no restraint, to that which hangs above his taint. It's twice as zesty, when I remove the teste. I have no preference, for his vas deferens. Here's one I'm still working on: When I see Obama, it's a drag, something something, to his pastry bag'" --Conan O'Brien

"The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off." --Jay Leno

"Last night, Hillary Clinton appeared at a fundraiser with Barack Obama and Obama told the crowd that Hillary rocks. Then Bill Clinton said the same thing -- but he was talking about Hillary Duff." --Conan O'Brien

"The government of China has banned restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. This is particularly bad news for the popular Chinese fast food chain, 'McDachsunds.' --Conan O'Brien

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. ... wedding cake!

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS:
1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
3. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
4. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
5. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
6. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
7. Every guy has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
8. It’s impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.
9. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
10. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
11. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
12. You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
13. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am, the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit, so I just switched the heads.'

I didn't check Snopes or Hoax busters to see if this actually works or if it's a scam or hoax. It has been said that If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should spray yourself with Windex immediately...... It'll keep you from streaking.

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes. “Hello, toes!” he said. “How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!” “Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!” Then, he looked down at his crotch. “Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92.”

Little Sally showed her Dad her report card, mostly A's and a couple of B's. But across the bottom, her teacher had written, "Sally is smart, but talks too much. This quarter, I'll try something which I hope will break her of the habit." Sally's Dad signed her report card and added this note: "Please let me know if your idea works. I'd like to try it on her mother!"

A famous painter, in the prime of her career, was losing her eyesight. She found the best eye surgeon, endured months of surgeries and therapy, and her sight was restored. She was so grateful that she offered to express her gratitude by painting a huge mural for her doctor's waiting room, with a gigantic eye as its focal point. The local newspaper sent a reporter to interview the doctor. "What was your reaction the first time you saw the mural, with that gigantic eye in the middle of your waiting room wall?" The doctor responded, "I thought, 'Thank God, I'm not a proctologist'!"

A bartender I know named a new drink after a gynecologist patron of his. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka. He calls it a ‘Pabst Smir’.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?' All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Pauly got up to read his. "The neighbour fell in the well last week," he began. "Good heavens," shrieked the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Pauly. "He stopped yelling yesterday."

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Way to go!

A secretary went out for a large lunch with her fellow workers, so she was especially motivated to get to the gym after work. Her boss laughingly asked her to run an extra lap for him. As she left the office, she called out to her boss, "Get ready to start huffing and puffing, 'cause I'll be on your lap in half an hour!" As the elevator door closed, the whole office stood up and stared.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman, sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This letter was named PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the "curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills". Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you freaking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing, happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

In school one day the teacher asked three boys to stand up and tell the class what their fathers did for a living. The first boy stood up and said, 'My father's a plumber.' "'That's good, Tommy,' the teacher told him, "The second boy stood up and said, 'My father's an engineer.' "'That's good, too,' the teacher said. Then the third boy stood up and said, 'My father's dead.' "'I'm very sorry,' the teacher said, 'What did he do before he died?' "'He went, Oooowwww!'"

A Little Jewish Humour:

Mr. Cohen loved his daughter very much and so when she got married he gave his son-in-law Chaim a 50% interest in the business. "Chaim, what you'll do is go into the factory for a few months and learn the business and work your way up." "No, I don't think so, said Chaim. "Factories are too noisy for me and I really don't like dealing with the blue collar people who work in them." "Okay then," said Mr. Cohen, "You'll work in the office until you know everything. My accountant for 35 years will help you and then you'll be in charge of the office." "I really don't see myself as an office person. I can't imagine myself spending the whole day behind a desk. It's really not a job for me." "OK, I understand. Then you'll join the sales dept. and you will take care of the most important customers. All travel expenses paid of course." "I hate airplanes and hotel rooms are very uncomfortable. Sorry, not for me." "What do you mean?" exploded Mr. Cohen. "Here I give you a 50% interest in a well established and profitable business and nothing is good enough for you. What can I do with you? "Buy me out!" responded Chaim.

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular. After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost." The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God; and we don't believe in him!"

Abe, an old Jewish man, was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." So Abe asks, "Are my children here?" "Yes, daddy, we're all here," say the children. Abe inquires, "Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here..." So Abe sits up and yells, "THEN WHY IS THE LIGHT ON IN THE KITCHEN?"

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

This is God. Today I will be handling all of your problems for you. I do not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you.
P.S. And, remember…
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know! Now, you have a nice day.
God.