Friday Funnies September 5 08

"It's true, John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien

This year there are only 36 black delegates at the Republican Convention in Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in Minnesota." --Conan O'Brien

"And we're learning more and more about Governor Palin. Apparently her daughter's name is Juno." --Jay Leno

"It turns out Governor Palin is a lifelong member of the NRA and a life-time hunter. Another vice president who's a hunter. What could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno

"She also admitted she has smoked marijuana, but she did not enjoy it. Isn't that amazing? Something like 100 million Americans have smoked marijuana, but the only ones who don't seem to enjoy it are the ones running for office. Why is that?" --Jay Leno

"Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years; here's one that could do it!" --Jay Leno

"Well the Beach Boys kicked off the Republican Convention last night in Minnesota. Only the Republicans would have someone sing about big waves and surfing during a hurricane. What, were 'Katrina and the Waves' not available over the weekend?" --Jay Leno

"The good news is Gustav has been downgraded to a tropical storm. Again, I don't think President Bush really understands this stuff. When he heard the levees were fine, he said, 'Thank God, but how are the Goldbergs? How are they doing?'" --Jay Leno

"Well it's now being reported that in exchange for Hillary's support, if he is elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? You know the Clintons: if she gets on the Supreme Court, she could demand a recount and declare herself the winner. It's happened before." --Jay Leno

"Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, I think that's her name, she's trying to schedule a hearing to remove Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick from office, but Kilpatrick is fighting it. This is historic: this will mark the first time in history anyone has ever fought to stay in Detroit." --Jay Leno

"And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"What a historic night. The first time an actual black person is leading the charge for a major American political party. I think that says something pretty great about America: we will accept a black man to lead us if the only other choice is a woman." –Bill Maher

"John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." –Bill Maher

"This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF." –Bill Maher

"I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on 'We're at war, it's a dangerous world out there. The democrats don't get that. I John McCain am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.'" –Bill Maher

"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." –Bill Maher

"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only is she young, they're saying she's the prettiest candidate for Vice President since John Edwards." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show." –Jon Stewart

"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno

"The McCain people believe that Americans will disregard her inexperience because they will fall in love with her story. She was a runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant., which may sound trite, but you try walking in high-heeled snow shoes." –Bill Maher

"And the trump card, why Americans will fall in love with her, she's got five kids. How can you not vote for someone who has five children, including an infant. Some touching details about the infant: it has Down Syndrome, she had it when she was 43 years old, and it looks a lot like John Edwards." –Bill Maher

"Five kids? Does anyone in that party understand the concept of pulling out?" –Bill Maher

"Barack Obama says he's planning to get his daughters a dog if he's elected president. Most voters asked think he should get a poodle, proving that Americans are not only ready for a black president, they’re also ready for a gay first dog." --Conan O'Brien

"At one point this week, police in Denver had a showdown with over 300 protesters, ended up pepper spraying them. And since, of course, it was Denver and they were Democrats, it was only fresh ground-pepper spray." --Jay Leno

"It's official, earlier today Hillary Clinton released her delegates, making it official, Barack Obama now officially Democratic nominee for president. Very exciting. How many thought Hillary should have kept her delegates and released Bill?" --Jay Leno

"As you know, Barack Obama chose Joe Biden as his running mate. A lot of people are saying in the media that Biden was the logical choice. Now Biden got what, 8,000 votes during the primary, Hillary Clinton got 18 million votes? Well that's logical, sure. What, did Ralph Nader with his 20 votes turn him down, what happened?" --Jay Leno

"And Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in her speech, praised Joe Biden, calling him the 'full package,' that's what she called him, that's the actual term she used, she called him the 'full package.' Now he's getting phone calls from Senator Larry Craig." --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton spoke to the convention earlier tonight. It was Wednesday, I guess the organizers figured, 'Well that's fitting, I mean, Wednesday is Hump Day.'" --Jay Leno

"During the Democratic convention, this is true, delegates are being warned this year not to drink too much. They're being told not to drink too much, yeah. Yeah when asked why, Democratic officials said the last time we got drunk at a convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale." --Conan O'Brien

"The publisher of Simon and Schuster came out with a children's book about Barack Obama. Isn't that nice, yeah. That's sweet. They also came out with a children's book about John McCain called 'Horton Gets A Hearing Aid.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is one of those sweet stories, a woman in Illinois has discovered that her Jeep Cherokee used to be owned by Barack Obama. Yeah. You can tell the Jeep is Obama's because Hillary Clinton keeps trying to get in the driver's seat." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama's freshly-minted running mate, Sen. Joe Biden, also spoke tonight, and I have to say, after all the name-related problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a vice president with the last name 'Biden' is beyond me. Not that there's anything wrong with the name of Biden, but Obama-Biden, it's like they're trying to make their ticket sound as much like Osama Bin Laden as possible. They found the two guys in America whose names match up most closely with the person we hate more than anyone in the world, and they put them on the bumper stickers, very good thinking." --Jimmy Kimmel

This news just in: All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' that to Alabama .

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' He enquired. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it. 'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see ..... where did I put that useless tit? '
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

A blonde goes into the cleaners; drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned. As she's leaving the cleaner says, 'come again'. The blonde stops and says 'No, it’s mustard this time.'

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV show about people in happy and sad situations when all of a sudden the husband turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.' She said …'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, ' No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

WISDOM OF OUR TIMES: Some old, some new.
- It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
- You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
- The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
- A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
- Five days a week my body is a temple - the other two it's an amusement park.
- Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Don't Drink and Drive - You might hit a bump and spill something.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
- Time's fun when you're having flies. - Kermit the Frog
- We are born naked, wet and hungry - then things get worse.
- Red meat is not bad for you - fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
- Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.
- Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
- Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
- Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Gun control: using both hands.
- The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
- Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist '.

The Ten Commandments of Marriage:
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:.......Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Octegenarians Sam and Esther are lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good nights sleep. Sam takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me.""Why not," he asks. She answers, "Because I'm dead." Sam says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." Esther replies, "No, I'm definitely dead." Sam insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" Esther answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million... Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

And since turnabout is fair play…
The Whys of Men:
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? Because they are plugged into a genius.
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? They don't have enough time.
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? They don't stop to ask directions.
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock.
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? Don’t know.....it never happened.
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good morning ladies.' The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.' But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,' I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.' This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, 'Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.' 'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.' But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of the wrong side of bed today.' Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather slow, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary. 'Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.' 'Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning.' Mother Superior was floored! 'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today people have said that about me.' Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. 'Oh, don't take it personally Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.'

I had forgotten to buy a bottle of wine to take to a dinner party, so I called my neighbour to see if he could let me have one of his, which I'd replace. He wasn't home, but since we have each other's house keys, I let myself in and chose an attractive bottle from his wine rack. The host and guests praised my choice of wine, and I managed to remove the label from the bottle before we left the party. My local liquor store didn't have that particular wine, but they referred me to another, more exclusive, store, which was delighted to sell me the replacement bottle...for $98! When I presented the bottle to my neighbour, I thanked him and praised his fine taste in wine. He then proudly told me that he found the bottle in a recycling bin and had filled it with his home-made wine.

A suburban Jewish congregation honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman in the bed. She greets the Rabbi with, 'Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you'. The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple and shouts, 'Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.' Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and asks, 'Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

US President had sent one Dr. Louis Finkelstein, an Orthodox Rabbi, as a U.S. delegate at the coronation of Pope Paul VI. On his way to Rome, Rabbi Finkelstein stopped in Paris. While there, some of the Parisian rabbis took him only to kosher restaurants. Dr. Finkelstein said to some of his friends, "I can't understand all this fuss people make about great French cooking. We have the same things in Brooklyn!"