Friday Funnies May 16 08

"Well, you know what's interesting? Political experts say Hillary Clinton will soon have to face the moment of truth. That's what they called it today, 'the moment of truth.' I love politics. They campaign and lie to us for six months, but we only get a moment of truth. Why can't we have a little more truth?" --Jay Leno

"And you know this talk about vice president. You've heard this rumor going around. George Stephanopoulos on ABC said that Hillary would accept the vice presidency, but under certain conditions. Like, if Barack Obama was to get really, really sick. Maybe then." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama slipped up this past week. You know, this campaigning, it's endless, it's hard. Like, in an interview, he said he campaigned in all 57 states. That's what he said. But, see, they all make mistakes. Like Hillary Clinton, the only two states she knows are Florida and Michigan. John McCain, he still thinks there's only 13 colonies." --Jay Leno

"How about this economy, ladies and gentlemen? Doesn't it stink? And we're really starting to notice it, because in the beginning it was sort of like, okay, a little bit here. But we are really starting to notice the effects of a sour economy in this country. Over at St. Patrick's Cathedral, they're watering down the holy water. Honest to God. That's right. It's only 60% holy now." --David Letterman

"And you're not going to believe this. In Times Square today, honestly I saw a hooker in Times Square ... wearing a sign that read, 'Will accept economic stimulus checks.'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton gave a speech. She said, this is a quote, 'A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she's in hot water.' That's true, yeah. Then Hillary pointed to her husband and said, 'And a man is like a douchebag.' ... I can't believe she said that." --Conan O'Brien

"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, John McCain said in his speech today, if he is elected president, he will fight evil. Until then, he will just continue to fight incontinence." --Jay Leno

"John McCain, remember him? No one talks about him much anymore. He won his side of this thing like four months ago. He's just wandering around. John McCain's wife was recently overheard saying that they own eight or nine homes. Eight or nine homes, yeah. Yeah, McCain's wife denied this, and stated, 'What I said is, I've tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, New York City Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress. Or, as it's known in Washington, the trifecta." --Seth Meyers

"John McCain is marking Mother's Day by releasing a video of him talking to his 96-year-old mother. It's, very nice, yeah. There's an awkward moment during the video when Larry King walks by and says, 'Whoa, who's the MILF?'" --Conan O'Brien

"You know who's getting married tomorrow, do you have any idea? One of the Bush twins. Jenna Bush is getting married tomorrow in Crawford, Texas, and Vice President Dick Cheney will be there, so it's going to be a shotgun wedding." --David Letterman

"President Bush's daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend in Crawford, Texas. It'll be a relatively small wedding. Only her family's loved ones will be there: the CEOs of the five major oil companies." --Jay Leno

"Very tough night for Hillary Clinton, as you're aware. Hillary Clinton says she isn't dropping out, 'cause there are still six states that haven't had their Democratic primary. That's right. Barack Obama's favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Hillary, this week on the campaign trail, 'cause she's talking a lot, all the candidates are talking about their past. Hillary Clinton told supporters her first job was as a babysitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told supporters his first time was with a babysitter. So it worked out." --Conan O'Brien

"Yeah, not looking good for Hillary. Today, even Yogi Berra said, 'It's over.'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said, in an interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night, that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people? What is it? Chubby people can't resist them." --Jay Leno

"One thing about getting eliminated on 'American Idol,' you have to leave. Unlike the race for president, where Hillary Clinton won't. After last night she now has almost no chance of winning the Democratic nomination, but she's still in it. She says she is staying in this race until the bitter end, or at least until Bill takes the sock off the door handle at their house." --Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary Clinton's speech, verbatim from transcript, to the ladies of Haddassah at Temple Beth Shalom, New Rochelle, NY, January 6, 2008 (four days before the NY primary).
'Let me start by saying how nice it is to be among mishpacha. I'm reminded of a Sunday morning a few weeks back when I was sitting with my husband, the former President, and our beautiful and talented daughter, Chelsea. (An investment banker now, by the way, with a very good company. I know I don't have to tell you what a mechaiah it is, having a child like this.) Anyway, I was sitting having my usual bagel with some good nova and a schmear, and I said to my husband, Bill-eleh, 'how fortunate we all are to be living in this great country of ours. I mean, sure, we've still got that momzer in the White House. Not to mention Cheney, that chazzer. Or the farshimulte meeskite running the State Department. And don't even get me started on! Gonzalez, that little tuchas lecker! A cholerya on all of them, I say! But this is my point. Where but in this beautiful country of ours would you find a boy named Grossman playing quarterback in the Super Bowl? (Okay, he lost the game, but gay g'zind.) And where but in America would I be sitting down with Mrs. Feinstein and Mrs. Boxer not to drink Sanka and play mahjongg but to decide the important domestic and foreign issues of the day? And so, ladies, today as I reach out the hand of friendship to you, my shvestern, my landsmen, I come to ask that you join me in my quest and to assure you that behind this goyishe punim is a yiddisher kop. I hope to meet each of you personally at the lovely dairy brunch following this event. And I hope you'll forgive me if I pass on the whitefish, it's a little salty and I'm retaining. G-d bless America! We should all live and be well!

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir". "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - whap! - against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself - whap! - against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

A man is hunting, kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls he had found in and around the golf club. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde who kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'. Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

Redneck Man's pick up lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy , can you help me find him? I Think he went into this cheap motel room.
1 1) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon.
And..... The best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

Computer Age Sayings
1) Home is where you hang your @.
2) The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3) A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4) You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5) Great groups from little icons grow.
6) Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7) In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8) Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
9) Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10) The modem is the message.
11) Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12) The geek shall inherit the earth.
13) There's no place like http://www.home.com.
14) Don't byte off more than you can view.
15) Fax is stranger than fiction.
16) What boots up must come down.
17) Windows will never cease.
18) Virtual reality is its own reward.
19) Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other? 'She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling. 'Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds and Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!'

Woman’s Love Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Men’s Love poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound trout on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever trout over 10 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 trout over 10 pounds. He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!' 'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!' The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?'

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer. Never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check", replied the guide.

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

Just think...
You can get more with a smile and a gun, than you can get with a smile alone.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,
five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.