Friday Funnies September 19 08

"U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, 'You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that's still open.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, let's see, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America. See, that's when you know the subprime mortgage market is bad, even brokerage houses are losing their houses. That's why they're called brokers. After they take your money, you're broker. You see?"--Jay Leno

"The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name, versus Sarah Palin and what's his name." --Jay Leno

"I'm not sure if Sarah Palin knows what to do about the economy either. Do you think she has any experience? She was asked today what to do in a bear market. And she said, 'Well, you should shoot it, then skin it.'" --Jay Leno

"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people." --Jay Leno

"Actually, John McCain attended his own fund-raiser tonight, where he raised even more money. He had dinner with his wife." --Jay Leno

"It has been revealed that Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's mansion. All along, I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Of course, it wasn't just a tanning bed -- in a pinch, it also works as a moose smoker. The plan is not only to overshadow Hillary as a female candidate, but also overshadow Barack Obama as the black candidate." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, in the Gibson interview, a lot of people thought Charlie Gibson was unfair to her, thought he was talking down to her. That was one of the comments. Like when he asked about the so-called Bush doctrine? Most people are not familiar with the Bush doctrine, right?. Well, we are. Well, we are, we know it by it's other name, Murphy's Law." --Jay Leno

"Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works." --Jay Leno

"They interviewed Sarah Palin's father, and Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90% of the meat their family eats. Yeah, the other 10% they hit with their pickup truck." --Conan O'Brien

"The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien

"And as you know, McCain ... is a true American war hero. And today, a new video was released of John McCain being tortured by his captors. I want to warn you, this is very disturbing [on screen: McCain on 'The View']." --Jay Leno

"A new study just came out. According to the study ... Mexico is one of the happiest countries in the world. Isn't that nice? Yeah, apparently people from Mexico are happy because most of them get to live in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

"But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin's main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he's got something on his chin." --David Letterman

"But we're learning more and more about Sarah Palin. Were you aware of this, that at one point she was mayor of a town called Wasilla, Alaska? Wasilla, Alaska, I went to look at it. There is only one store in Wasilla, honest to God: Bed, Bath and Way Beyond." --David Letterman

"And today, the Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Now, here's my question. What's the secret part? I mean, if the Secret Service is going to give you a Secret Service code name, shouldn't they keep it a secret? I mean, why don't they just call her Sarah?" --Jay Leno

"They also revealed that Sarah's husband, Todd, who works in the oil field. Well, his Secret Service codename is 'Driller.' I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore." --Jay Leno

"And according to the Associated Press, this article was in the paper today. Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' ... I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'" --Jay Leno

"This morning, Senator McCain and his wife, Cindy, stopped in for a visit of the ladies on 'The View.' At one point, Whoopi Goldberg asked John McCain if she should worry about slavery making a comeback if he's elected. By the way, he never answered her." --Jimmy Kimmel

"After the 'The View,' he taped a Rachael Ray show. He did a recipe, it was one of Sarah Palin's favorite recipes, spaghetti and moose balls. And she said it was delicious." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama was talking about McCain's policies. He said: 'You cannot put lipstick on a pig. If you do, it's still a pig.' This was supposed to describe McCain's policies; McCain said he was actually talking about Sarah Palin. Which is very unfair, because pigs are smart. They don't believe in creationism. And by the way, memo to all the geniuses who took it this way: it's called a metaphor." --Bill Maher

"And Obama yesterday had lunch with Bill Clinton, 'cause if there's one guy who knows a thing or two about pigs and lipstick, it's him." --Bill Maher

"Injured New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be replaced by Matt Cassel, an untested, inexperienced backup, earning Cassel the nickname, Sarah Palin." --Seth Meyers

"This week, the presidential race continued to tighten up. In fact, according to the latest polls, John McCain is now only six points behind Sarah Palin." --Amy Poehler

"All of New Yorkers have Obama fever. Everybody's very excited about him being in New York City. New York City cab drivers, by the way, are offering their Barack Obama special: they'll gladly accept change." --David Letterman

"The campaign is coming down to one very important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. That seems to be where we're at. Oh, this is so stupid. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, Barack Obama attacked John McCain's policies, implying it's more of the same by saying ... you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. To which Bill Clinton said, 'You know, I've tried that, and you're right.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, now McCain is demanding an apology. Do you believe that? Two senators arguing over lipstick, and neither one of them is Larry Craig." --Jay Leno

"Well, more good news this week for John McCain. It seems he is now matching Barack Obama's fundraising numbers. But he does have a slight advantage. See, for every dollar McCain raises, Medicare matches it." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, Barack Obama's campaign is having a hard time meeting their fundraising goals. And they're pressing their donors for more money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he's willing to take change. He will now accept change." --Jay Leno

"Well, I guess it's getting serious, because Barack Obama's going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They're going to get together and talk. You know, they haven't been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it's tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a 'Hooters' that serves arugula." --Jay Leno

Updated Oldie Goldie
The golfer walked up to the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.' The man behind the counter says, 'The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.' The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, 'I think my driver will do the job.' The robot caddie turned to the man and said, 'No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.' Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, 'I think this green is gonna break left to right.' The robot then again spoke up and said, 'No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left' Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, 'How was your game?' The golfer stated, 'It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week. A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.' The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, 'Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.' Confused, the golfer cried, 'COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible' The man sighed and said, 'Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way.' The golfer said, 'So then why didn't you just paint them black?' The man nodded sadly and replied, 'We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President.'

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible...

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007: How dumb have we become?

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Golf Terms
1) A 'Paris Hilton,'-- an expensive hole,
2) A 'James Joyce,'-- an impossible read
3) A 'Rock Hudson,'-- looked straighter than it was
4) A 'Cuban,'-- needed one more revolution
5) An 'Elton John,'-- a big bender that lips the rim
6) A 'Monica Lewinsky'-- all lip, no hole
7) A 'Lou Gehrig,'-- a dead Yank,
8) A 'German,'-- a hookenflecker,
9) An 'Adolf Hitler,'-- two shots in the bunker
10) A 'Saddam Hussein,'-- from one bunker straight into another
11) A 'Yasser Arafat,'-- ugly and in the sand
12) A 'Kate Winslett,'-- little bit fat but otherwise perfect
13) A 'John Kennedy, Jr.,'-- didn't make it over the water
14) An 'Elephant's Ass,'-- it's high and it stinks
15) A 'Rodney King,'-- over-clubbed
16) An 'O.J. Simpson,'-- got away with it
17) A 'Princess Grace,'-- should have taken a driver
18) A 'Princess Di,'-- shouldn't have taken a driver
19) A 'George W.,'-- fading quickly
20) A 'condom,'-- safe, but didn't feel very good
21) An 'Anna Kournikova,'-- looks great, but unlikely to get a result
22) A 'Brazilian,'-- shaved the hole

A 2007 study found that the average Canadian walks about 738 miles a year. Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 18 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles per gallon.' Damn good value that!

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ."Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine. Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:" And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?" The young man says :"I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her .... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A distinguished looking man goes to the Ritz Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend. After due study of the wine list, he orders a bottle of the 1928 Mouton Rothschild. The waiter returns with the wine and pours a small amount into the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, sniffs the wine and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not 1928 Mouton Rothschild." The waiter does his best to reassure him it is, and soon there is a throng surrounding the table including the manager, all trying to convince the man the wine is in fact 1928 Mouton Rothschild. Finally, someone asks the man how he knows the wine is not 1928 Mouton Rothschild. The man replies: "My name is Baron Philippe de Rothschild and I make the wine." At this point, the waiter steps forward and admits he poured Clerc Milon 1928. He says, "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton Rothschild. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you harvest the grapes at the same time, you crush the same way, you put the wine in similar barrels, you bottle at the same time, and they are the same except for a small matter of geographic location." The Baron beckons the waiter forward and whispers to him..." When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her panties. Put one finger in the front opening and another finger in the back, and then smell both fingers. You will then understand what a small distance in geographic location makes."

Four Jewish brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama.' The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house.' The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur.' The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it. The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
Milton, bubele, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin, mayn sheyne kinde, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
Menachem, tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the
gesture just the same.
Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!

PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.