Friday Funnies July 11 08

"Well, happy birthday to President Bush, he turned 62 on Sunday. 62 years old. ... He is now twice his approval rating, that's amazing." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now in Japan for the big G-8 summit, which is going on right now. The G-8 Summit is where the world's top economies get together. The bad news -- we are no longer one of them. I wouldn't say the U.S. economy is doing bad, but you know how Bush got to Japan? Southwest." --Jay Leno

"Yeah. Actually there was one embarrassing moment for the President today at the G-8 Summit, they asked him if he supported alternative drilling, and he said he was fine with them as long as they don't get married." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years." --Jay Leno

"Listen to this, among the catering guidelines for the green convention, this is true, there will be no fried foods at the Democratic convention. And today, Al Gore announced he's switching his support to John McCain. He said 'That's it, you're a bunch of global warming fanatics!'" --Jay Leno

"See, that shows you the difference between the two parties, the Democrats have nothing fried, the Republicans like everything covered in oil, so you have a real choice." --Jay Leno

"Well, Bill Clinton has already promised to be there. He figures since the convention's being held in Denver, he can join the Mile High Club without ever leaving the ground." --Jay Leno

"Cynthia Rodriguez claims she could no longer tolerate her husband's cheating, to which Hillary Clinton said 'Oh, you get used to it. It's nothing, don't worry about it.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left the plane was apparently drifting to the right, nobody could really quite figure out what was happening " --Jay Leno

"And as you know, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together and to show their unity, that's why they went to Unity, New Hampshire. Bill Clinton could not be there, he was in Intercourse, Pennsylvania." --Jay Leno

"That shows you what a great country it is, only in America could a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called Sincerity!" --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, speaking of John McCain, I thought this was nice, John McCain went to North Carolina last week to visit 89 year-old evangelical legend, the Reverend Billy Graham, and he was frail and confused and couldn't visit for long. But Billy Graham looked great ... very sharp." --Jay Leno
"Over the Fourth of July, did you hear this, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former president Thomas Jefferson. That's right, yeah. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when President Bush said 'I'd like to salute both President Thomas Jefferson and his wife Wheezy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, the Democratic convention is being held at a 20,000 seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver's 80,000 seat football stadium. Yeah, 80,000 seat football stadium, that's pretty impressive. Yeah, meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker." --Conan O'Brien

"China has announced that they're shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer -- so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: 'Sorry, but for the next few months, you're going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else." --Conan O'Brien

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I have just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test" "Triple Filter?” "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk about my student let's take a moment to filter what you are going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually, I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let us try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary....." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you are not certain that it is true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, as there is a third filter - Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be of great benefit to me?" "Well, not really...." "So," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. But also explains why he never found out that Plato was shtupping his wife.

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.

Cynthia's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over again throughout the evening. Finally over a nightcap in his apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at dinner, and yet again at the theater. Now that we're here alone in my penthouse, what do you say we drop the subject?"

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The Mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, 'Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?' She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.' 'That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?' The Italian Mother replies, 'I don't like her.'

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass!

I've got 3 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me. I thought the guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard he dropped his goods and staggered out the door. Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

Women who know their place: Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom. Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?' The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is ... (no matter where you go) ... BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!

A man was washed up on a beach of a desert island after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it but the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

A cute piece from the Daily Mail:
Winning by a length… Viagra has been added to the list of performance-enhancing drugs banned by the international athletics authorities. Unlike some other stimulants, it shouldn’t be too difficult to detect, especially given the skin-tight Lycra running shorts they all wear these days. How could a pill designed to help out in the bedroom department give an athlete an advantage on the track? I’d have thought it would be more of a handicap in the hurdles and the high jump. I suppose it could give you the edge in a tight photo-finish, though it might also give rise to terrible confusion in the 400 metres relay when they come to pass the baton. But in what other events could Viagra tip the balance? Pole-vault maybe.
A Traffic Cop watching for speeders wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD" and he had a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated photo radar post with a fine of $160 included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Police Ball." He replied, "Our Police don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady." They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy." He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike."

Eskimos, with their Inuit language, have hundreds of words to describe snow. Jews, with Yiddish, have hundreds of words for "pains in the neck." Among the many majesties of Yiddish, is its magical ability to turn words into an emotional thesaurus. Both the "good" and the "bad" alike are not merely "said." No, they're felt - in all their subtle nuance and multiple meanings. This is never more true then when we're talking about a "fool" or a "nudnik," a "shliemel," or a "schnook." Face it. We Jews don't bear fools lightly. Who had time? So is it surprising that we have more words in Yiddish for fools than there are Golden Arches? These words are so delicious, many have become part of American jargon. Do you have the story about these words, and what they truly mean? In case you don't, as a public service, we from Jewlarious are proud to present the first Yiddish-Yinglish Dictionary of Fools:

Bulvan:An ox, with no class. He'll move your house on his back - without asking.
Chaim Yankel:A mister nobody. His favorite color is beige.
Chaleria:A shrew. If her pastrami's fatty, she'll make a federal case.
Chazzer:A pig: He'll take home the cheap wine he brought you for Passover.
Draycup:She one not only forgot her address, she's in the wrong city.
Eingeshparht:He's got a head like a rock.
Gantseh Makher:He made a few bucks selling whoopie cushions, so suddenly he's Trump. Synonym: K'nocker
Gonif:Unscrupulous, a thief. His partner's sent out an APB.
Grubber yung:Crude. A big mouth who has dirt (from grabbing) under his fingernails.
Klutz:Clumsy. She falls over her own sneakers- fastened with Velcro.
Kvetch:A whiner. The food's salty, the place is chilly, eating out -who needs it?
Luftmensch:A dreamer - who never wakes up. He could paint a masterpiece, if only he had an easel - and knew how.
Meshugener:A loony. Whether he thinks his underwear is after him or barrels over Niagra Falls, he's one letter short of an M&M.
Moishe Kapoyr:Today he'd be called "oppositional." The family votes to hold the reunion in Vegas. He votes for Vilna.
Nar:He left his law practice to become a clown.
Nayfish:A doormat. When he's robbed, he apologizes for being short on cash.
Nebekh:A hapless unfortunate. He gets stepped on by accident a lot.
Nuchshlepper:A hanger-on. She shleps the 200 pound camping gear for the group.
Nudnik:A persistent bore. She doesn't stop with the talking, the asking, the annoying till you want to staple his lips together.
Nudzh:A pesty badgerer. She tells you twelve times to check the locks. Unlike the nudnik, it could be an occasional occurrence.
Ongeblussen:A self-involved blowhard. If his last name is Moses, he thinks the Bible gave him a mention.
Oysvorf:Unpopular outcast. Think David Duke at a Hadassah meeting.
Paskudnyak:A revolting, corrupt person. For him, there would be a very short funeral.
Shikker:A drunk. She has a little chaser with her Cheerios.
Shlemiel:A pathetic, clumsy loser. He drives over - through your living room.
Shlimazel:An unlucky loser. He's the one the shlemiel was visiting.
Shlump:Unkempt, saggy. She shleps, stooped, with her hair in strings.
Shmeggege:And idiotic doofus. Short of a "meshuganah," he's sure he'll make a killing with his musical toilet seat ... and acts like a makher about it.
Shmendrik:Nincompoop. A fraternal twin to a shlemiel, he's thinner and weaker.
Shnook:A likeable patsy. You could sell him a time-share in Area 51, and he'll pay top dollar for vacationing on an historical site.
Shnorror:A beggar. He's forever borrowing, taking advantage. Bad for a potluck party.
Trombenik:A lazy braggart. Not only does he blow his own horn, he doesn't own one.
Yuchna:A loud-mouthed, boorish female. In Loehmann's dressing room she'll yell "It would fit if you lost a few pounds!"
Yutz:Socially inept. He takes you to a restaurant with a clown face and spends the evening discussing his train collection.
Zshlub:Lazy slob. He shows up with shmutz on his untucked shirt. To Archie Bunker, "meathead" looked like a zshlub when he met him - although he'd never say it.