Friday Funnies September 26 08

"More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy continues to spiral. Oh, man, I saw a bank robber today being held up by a teller." --Jay Leno

"They're still calling it a correction. I love this. When CEOs make bad decisions that cause Wall Street to crash, oh, it's called a correction. You know what we should do? Take these people and put them in a correctional institute. Okay, that's what we should do." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, challenged John McCain to a debate. Did you know that? Yeah. McCain says if he wanted to be attacked by an extremist in an unfair environment, he'd appear on MSNBC. That's the way to do it in this country." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, 'Because my wife's family owns Budweiser.'" --Conan O'Brien

"All these world leaders, while they're in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they're doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley." --David Letterman

"Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin is having a great time in New York City. Today, as a matter of fact, she shot and mounted that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"John McCain has been now endorsed by Donald Trump, and Sarah Palin has been endorsed by Lens Crafters." --David Letterman

"The political campaign continues, of course, for the presidency. This Sunday, the entire hour of '60 Minutes' will be devoted to Barack Obama and John McCain. Yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama will be interviewed. John McCain will fill in for Andy Rooney." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, the Olive Garden and the Red Lobster announced they are going to have to raise prices to keep up with the economy. But things are okay. Today, John McCain said unlimited bread sticks are still fundamentally sound" –Jay Leno

"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno

"The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Somebody hacked into vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin email account and posted it all online. Apparently, the hacker was able to figure out her password, which turned out to be bible-hockey-lipstick-gun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom." --Conan O'Brien

"Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher

"Oh, I kid John McCain. He doesn't understand this stuff too well. They told him her firewall had been breached, and he said, she had another baby?" --Bill Maher

"These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?" –Bill Maher

"Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros."
Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton cancelled an appearance at the UN next week, after learning that Sarah Palin was also invited. And after Hillary canceled, the group canceled Sarah Palin, saying they didn't want any politicians. Which is a shame, because this would have been Sarah Palin's first trip to the United Nations. Although to her credit, she has been to the International House of Pancakes." -Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's husband has refused to testify in an abuse of power investigation in Alaska. He was given a subpoena, and he is ignoring it. ... So it looks like this guy's going to have no trouble fitting into Washington. He seems to pick it up right away. It's like second nature" --Jay Leno

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler

"Speaking of politics, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s, he smoked marijuana. Yeah. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned, you could understand every word he was saying." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, they had the 60th Emmy awards. What a star-studded affair that was. There were more celebrities there than a Barack Obama fundraiser. It was unbelievable. I guess the mini-series 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night. 13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness." --Jay Leno

"Now, here's how bad the economy is. There are now Americans taking jobs away from illegal aliens. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno

"And Governor Sarah Palin said, yes, she did watch Tina Fey portray her in that skit on Saturday Night Live, but she said she watched it with the volume turned down. Oh shut up! That's right up there with all the other political phrases, isn't it? Remember Clinton's, 'I smoked, but I didn't inhale'? John Kerry, 'I was for it before I was against it,' and John McCain's, 'I've fallen and I can't get up.'" --Jay Leno

I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight.....
- If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."
- Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.
- If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
- Name your kids Willow , Trig and Track, you're a maverick.
- Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
- Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.
- If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.
- If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.
- If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.
- If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.
- If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
- If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.
- If your wife is a Harvard graduate laywer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.
- If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.
OK, much clearer now.

All eyes were on Sarah Palin last week as she sat down for her first big girl interview with ABC's Charles Gibson. It was a big moment for both her fans and her detractors, and a chance for her to prove once and for all that she has the skillz to pay the vice presidential billz. How'd she do?
Well, not bad, unless you factor in her attempts to link Iraq to 9/11 (an idea that even President Bush abandoned) and her caribou-in-the-headlights reaction to a question about the Bush Doctrine, which she was unable to define.
OK, she's not bright, but neither are the Americans who have shifted their support to McCain because she joined his ticket. Are you one of them, or us? Take the Sarah Palin history quiz, and match each historical event to Palin's description of it.

1. The Louisiana Purchase
2. The Great Depression
3. Reconstruction era
4. Tennessee Valley Authority
5. Domino theory
6. Manhattan Project
7. Boxer Rebellion
8. Marshall Plan
9. Hiroshima and Nagasaki
10. SALT accords
11. Appomattox
12. Draft riots

a. Tanya Tucker's first band.
b. Track had to get this removed before it ruptured.
c. Get a $10 coupon when you spend $100 in this department store's "petites" section.
d. How New York Jews control the banking system.
e. Postpartum suffering after I had Willow.
f. A brief and difficult time in history when Todd decided he preferred "free-balling."
g. When the local pub decided to go low-sodium on their mooseburgers.
h. What happened when the local pub ran out of Coors Light on tap to wash down our low-sodium mooseburgers.
i. Two hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's and a fistful of Mardis Gras beads. Whoooo!
j. Your pizza is delivered in 30 minutes or it's free.
k. Botox and neck lipo... shhh, it's my little secret.
l. Not sure. I don't really like sushi.

Answers: 1-i, 2-e, 3-k, 4-a, 5-j, 6-d, 7-f, 8-c, 9-l, 10-g, 11-b, 12-h

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist". That's when the proctologist fainted.

Top 30 Sexist Female Jokes
1. Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
4. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
5. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
6.What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]hole weak.
8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.
10. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.
12. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
16. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
17. Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
18.How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
21.Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow-job.
22. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
23. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks.
24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
25.Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist"? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
28. Why did the woman cross the road? What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
30. How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Words of wisdom:
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. But, if you give her any crap, be prepared to get back a ton of shit.

Recently I was asked to run a marathon. At first I said, 'Naaahhh!' Then they said to me: 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought.......Fuck... I could win this!

May God bless church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

And now a couple from synagogues:
- Under same management for over 5,763 years.
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
- What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand?
- Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
- Sign over the urinal: 'The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.'


A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: 'shmuck.' At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, 'I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name .. and forgot to write a letter. '

And for Jews preparing for the High Holy Days, a form for reserved Synagogue seats:

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the ... (Check one)
______Talking section
______No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest)
_____Stock market
_____Sports
_____Medicine
_____Congregant's secret medical tragedies
_____General gossip
_____Specific gossip (choose)
_____ The Rabbi
_____ The cantor
_____ The cantor's voice
_____ The cantor's wife
_____ The rabbi's wife
_____ The cantor's wife's voice
_____ The rabbi's 'secretary'
_____ Fashion news
_____ What others are wearing
_____ Why they look awful
_____ Your neighbors
_____ Your neighbor's relatives
_____ Politics
_____ Sex (Preference:______)
_____ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
_____ Other: ___________________________________


3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
_____ Doctor
_____ Dentist
_____ Nutritionist
_____ Psychiatrist
_____ Child psychiatrist
_____ Mother in law
_____ Podiatrist
_____ Chiropractor
_____ Stockbroker
_____ Accountant
_____ Lawyer
_____ Criminal
_____ Civil
_____ Real estate agent
_____ Architect
_____ Plumber
_____ Buyer (Specify store:_____________)
_____ Sexologist
_____ Golf pro (tentative: we're still trying to find a Jewish one)
_____ Other:_____________________________

4. I want to be seated (Indicate order of priority)
_____ On the aisle
_____ Near the exit
_____ Near the window
_____ In Aruba
_____ Near the bathroom
_____ Near my in-laws
_____ As far away from my in-laws as possible
_____ As far away from my ex in-laws as possible
_____ Near the pulpit
_____ Near the Kiddush table
_____ Near single men
_____ Near available women
_____ Near anyone who's available - I'm bisexual or just not particular
_____ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
_____ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
_____ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (Additional Charge)

5. Orthodox only - I would like a seat where:
_____ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
_____ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(limit of 6: if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation)

Your name; ______________________ Building fund pledge: _______________________