Friday Funnies August 29 08

"Earlier tonight, Hillary Clinton gave a big speech at the Democratic Convention in support of Barack Obama. Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth." --Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama said she's been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Isn't that sweet? Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain's wife Cindy says she's been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave." --Conan O'Brien

"The Democratic National Convention is underway in Denver, Colorado. Thousands of pounds of confetti and styrofoam hats and hookers have been shipped in from all over the world. That's what they do at conventions. It wouldn't be a convention without it. I tell you what, the word 'convention' now doesn't seem right to me unless it's preceded by the words 'Star Trek,' right? And since this is the first DNC to feature an African-American nominee, some are calling it the 'Run-DNC.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman

"And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Senator Joseph Biden as his running mate. Well, Biden has 35 years of experience in Washington. So between the two of them, that's almost 36 years of experience." --Jay Leno

"The Democratic Convention, that's the big story. True story, at the convention, over 160 miles of copper and collapsible cable has been installed to accommodate all the cameras and microphones. 160 miles, yeah. Experts say there hasn't been this much cable laid at a convention since Bill Clinton was president." --Conan O'Brien

"Well you know at the Democratic Convention this week in Denver, both Bill and Hillary will be speaking. Not to each other, of course." --Jay Leno

"As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno

"John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno

Be careful what you ask for:
Waco native Pat Green reportedly got cold-cocked by a cold beer during a performance last weekend after NASCAR’s Carfax 250 race at the Michigan International Speedway. According to the Jackson Citizen Patriot, late into Green’s show, he shouted, “Anyone got a beer?” Someone from the audience tossed a can onto the stage, the story said. But then came another, which hit Green between the eyes and knocked the singer out. He was treated by medical personnel at the track, but there’s no other update.
I guess this is what you’d call a “lights out” performance!

Dave Freeman, co-author of "100 Things To Do Before You Die" has passed away at age 47. He fell in his Venice, California home on August 17, 2008 and died of head injuries, his father told the Los Angeles Times on Monday. Dave Freeman and Neil Teplica published 100 Things To Do Before You Die -Travel Events You Just Can't Miss in November 1999. The book covers various events that, in their opinion, shouldn't be missed. "100 Things" covered multinational events and destinations. In North America, Freeman and Teplica recommended the Academy Awards Ceremony, Mardi Gras, the Iditarod Sled Dog Race, the Testicle Festival and New Year's Eve in Times Square. For tourism abroad, they recommended Semana Santa in Peru, Junkanoo in the Bahamas and the Royal Ascot in England. Freeman's relatives said that Dave had been to about half of the places on his list before he died, and either he or Neil Teplica had been to nearly all of them. David Freeman was a 1983 graduate of the University of Southern California and worked for an advertising agency prior to his death.
I guess in retrospect, # 87 on his list, “Fix hole in sidewalk”, should have been further down the list.

Murphy's Law in Sex:
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same
again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to
last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand
years later.

A threesome of two young fellows and one older fellow were told that due to such heavy traffic they would be asked to play with a young single woman to complete a foursome. They thought she might slow up their game but once they start playing they soon realized that she was a hell of a golfer. Better, in fact, than each of them. Not only that, she was extremely attractive as well. They get to the 18th tee and she is one under par. They are all on the green and she has a 20 footer for par. She tells the three men, "You guys have been gentlemen through the whole round by letting me play and not giving me a hard time because I'm the only woman. This is the first time I'll ever break par and to show my appreciation, whichever one of you can show me the right line to make this putt, I'll give you a blow job." The first young guy looks real hard and says, "I think it's left edge." The second young guy looks even harder and says, "No, I think it's right edge." The older guy walks over and picks up the ball, tosses it to the woman and says, "It's a gimmie."

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!' The Priest responded, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.' Luigi proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go and get her.'

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, And said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got Big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband In bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'. The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.. 'I think my wife caught a glimpse.............'

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used
to put the curse on you'. The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute....' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun? What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. I'm O. K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'OOPS'

Do missing transvestites get their pictures on cartons of 1/2 and 1/2?

I checked into a hotel and found a bible in the desk drawer. Inside the bible was a note saying that if you're an alcoholic or have a drinking problem, call a certain number. I called. It was the local liquor store.

A tourist approached a local person in Cox's Cove, a village he was visiting in Western Newfoundland and asked: "What's the quickest way to Deer Lake?" The local scratched his head, "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving" said the stranger. The villager said "That's the quickest way!"

A Husband and wife are shopping at the supermarket when the man picks up a box of Bud and sticks it into the cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 12 cans', he says. 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping. A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says. The man replies, “So does a twelve-pack of Bud and it’s half the price!”

A young guy from Wisconsin moved to Florida and went to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.' Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.' His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?' The kid says, 'One.' The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?' The kid says, '$101,237.65.' The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?' The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.' The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?' The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing.'

AARP - Q and A

Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt '
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: ' Gee, I remember these.'

A Madison Avenue advertising agency had a contest amongst its employees for the best Viagra advertising slogan. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products. Slight variations were acceptable. Here’ the top 10:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

Chaim Potok, the best selling author and an unlikely art connoisseur, telephoned his mother and told her that he had just bought a Rubens. "Rubin? Rubin the delicatessen man?" "No, Mama, Rubens is a painter," he explained kindly. "Oh, this I didn't know," she said breathlessly. "Listen, Chaim, ask him how much he'll charge to paint the kitchen!"

After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes. Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the following:

Decathlon: Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back. Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva bochers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem for this particular event.

Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"

Synchronized Swimming: Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished?

Synchronized Tanning: Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten
minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and
bikinis.

Team Handball: The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.

Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.

In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will feature some experimental, non-medal competition:

Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.

Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's check book in the
shortest amount of time will be declared winner.

Challah Chap: How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house before Pesach? In this competition, each participant must rid a miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.

Dream Team: This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.

Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.

Naches Shlep: Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have two minutes to boast about their einiklach.

Rings:
No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.