Friday Funnies May 23 08

"Hillary Clinton is expected to win in Kentucky. Barack Obama is expected to win in Oregon. And John McCain is expected to win at bingo. So everybody wins." --Conan O'Brien

"They held primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. ... Hillary won Kentucky and Obama is expected to win Oregon, which means he would clinch a majority of the pledged delegates. There are delegates, superdelegates, pledged delegates, lemon pledged delegates and of course, the farmer-in-the-delegates ... you don't get those, you don't get the White House." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And I tell you, Hillary knows how to appeal to those voters. Like, she promised the people of Kentucky, if elected president, she would lower the price of pay-per-view wrestling fifty percent." --Jay Leno

"It was quite a weekend, politically. Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the the Willamette River. ... And if you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Amazing!" --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Saudi Arabia to mark 75 years of official relations with the royal family. And 40 years of officially being screwed royally by that family. Did you see the present the royal family gave President Bush? You see what it was? ... A Schwinn. A brand new Schwinn, yeah. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? He goes over there looking for solutions to the energy crisis, they give him a bicycle." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, the country of Saudi Arabia is run by the Saudi royal family. Boy, imagine allowing someone to run a country just 'cause his dad ran the country. Thank God that could never happen here." --Jay Leno

"The California Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California's first legal gay marriages not involving Liza Minnelli. So that's pretty good. This is groundbreaking. You know what this means? Finally, taking loved ones for granted won't be just for straight people anymore." --Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court overturned the state's ban on gay marriage. Man, you thought it was bad for single women before. All the good ones are either gay or married. Now they're gay and married." --Jay Leno

"The California Supreme Court ruled that it is legal for homosexuals to get married in California. ... As a result, thousands of wedding planners will finally get to plan their own wedding." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't think Hillary gets that it's over. Did you see her today campaigning with the immunity necklace from 'Survivor' around her neck? It doesn't work." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia primary with nearly 70% of the vote. That's a lot. Yeah, apparently Hillary would've gotten even more votes from the West Virginians, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, after Hillary won the West Virginia primary, she held a campaign rally and she said, this is a quote. 'It's not over and I will never give up.' Yeah. And she flew off on her broom and said, 'And I'll kill your little dog, too!'" --Conan O'Brien

"More bad news for Hillary. Just a few hours ago, John Edwards announced he will be endorsing Barack Obama. Well, the rumor is that Barack Obama promised him, if elected, he would offer him the cabinet position of Secretary of Shampoo and Highlights." --Jay Leno

"Although, Hillary Clinton was quick to point out Dennis Kucinich still has not endorsed anyone yet. Still on the fence there. I don't want to say Hillary is doing badly in the delegate count, but she's so far behind, her Secret Service code name is now NBC." --Jay Leno

"Where is President Bush? Well, I'll tell you where President Bush is today. President Bush is in Israel. That's where he is today. He is there looking for knishes of mass destruction." --David Letterman

To add to Hillary's misery today, former North Carolina senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama in Michigan. ... And if there was ever any doubt that Barack Obama has what it takes to be a president of the United States, that doubt was erased during a campaign stop in Oregon. As you can see there, he's definitely ready to take over for President Bush. He needs rest. Some crazy lady keeps calling him at 3:00 a.m. every night." --Jimmy Kimmel

A Seasonal Oldie Goldie
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

Demographics of American Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by peopl e who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Toronto Star is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

A young man from Victoria, BC was hired as the lifeguard at the pool at the Prime Minister's residence at 24 Sussex Drive. The Harper family was making use of the pool when one of their two children encountered some difficulty and cried for help. The lifeguard ignored the cries, so Stephen himself had to plunge into the pool to rescue the boy. Afterwards
Harper grilled the lifeguard. "You ass! Didn't you see that my son was in trouble?" "Yes, sir, but I can't swim. "How the hell did you land the job of lifeguard, then?" ''I'm bilingual."

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?' His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not.'

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
'To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances." "Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $1000. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $500 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $500 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $500 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs u up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? 'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'

And, in a similar vein:
Mike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems with his wife when Jim's doorbell rang. Jim answered the door and was handed a paper, which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Jim showed it to Mike and asked him if he knew what it was. Mike, in his pompous lack of knowledge, said, "Of course I know what a subpoena is." "Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked. "Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is suing you for divorce. We know that 'sub' means 'under' and 'poena' is Latin for 'penis', so -- 'subpoena' means under the penis -- which means she's got you by the balls."

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in the shower, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a yard sale.'
Retirement is different for everyone.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said,"You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs!