Friday Funnies June 20 08

"Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. How about that? Political experts say this is great, because it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom." --David Letterman

"And now, of course, going head-to-head you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They're already putting together debates. Here's how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question he wants a five-minute nap. That's the way that's going to go down." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it's something he would never use. That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library." --Conan O'Brien

Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as 'beautiful' - and the honeymoon as 'horrifying.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage." --Jay Leno

"Well, you see, unlike Massachusetts, California has no residency requirement for marriage, so a lot of gays from out of state can come here and get married. In fact, if you're gay, and you can prove you're in the country illegally, they'll not only give you a gay marriage license, they'll give you a California driver's license." --Jay Leno

"And a New York congressman by the name of Anthony Weiner has introduced a bill to grant immigrant visas to supermodels that want to come here. See, this will clear up the problem of supermodels hanging out in front of Home Depot all day looking for work." --Jay Leno

"Hey, remember Elian Gonzalez, the Cuban boy that came here and then was sent back home? Well, he's now 14 years old and has joined Cuba's Young Communist Union, which is the second most popular organization for Cubans to join, after the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, President Bush acknowledged that he has had some regrets about his presidency. He says you don't get a second chance to do things over in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about? Wasn't that supposed to be the chance to fix all this?" --Jay Leno

"I got to mention this right right away, 'cause we were all watching it here at the show. At the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. It was amazing. ... And apparently, when he heard that a younger, African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, 'Uh oh. That's not good.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book. ... Bush said, he's not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, today, gay marriage became legal here in the state of California. Still no word yet if Simon Cowell can legally marry himself. That's still up in the air." --Jay Leno

"And OPEC said, this week, it will call a meeting of its members to discuss what it calls unjustified oil prices. See, not to bring the price down. They just want to come up with a reason to justify it." --Jay Leno
"Now, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia says he wants to have this meeting. Now, you ever notice, when OPEC nations get together, there's always kings and sultans and crowned princes? See, that's where the term 'royally screwed' comes from." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama took some time out from campaigning recently to go on a date with his wife. Yeah. And when Hillary Clinton heard about that, she said to Bill, 'Why can't you do something like that?' So, today, Bill asked Barack Obama's wife out on a date" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said, yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien

"After dropping out of the race on Saturday, Hillary Clinton has been staying home, and has canceled all of her public appearances. As a result, Bill Clinton has had to cancel all of his private appearances." --Conan O'Brien

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to reduce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about my goatee."

A Swede, an Irishman and a Scotsman take their wives golfing.... The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Oleg demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae affarrd any." Murdo reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says: Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand. "So, says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well, I'm just wondering ...how much stronger am I gonna get?"

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on those days that started with "T": Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tonight, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.

An elephant asks a camel, 'Why are your tits on your back?'' The camel replies, ‘That’s rich from someone with a dick on his face!’

Australian Major General Peter Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" He asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the heck is anal glaucoma?" "I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

8 Things Women Say – and what they mean by Esther Zsoldos

Since the male and female psyches differ considerably, men and women tend to use language in different ways. This makes miscommunication a common problem in relationships. Women tend to analyze situations rather than rationalize them, whereas many men restrain their feelings in order to assert their independence and masculinity. This communication barrier can drive couples crazy, especially new couples who have yet to learn about their partner.

The Communication Barrier
Many men wonder if a woman really means what she says when she says it. As long as you two are speaking the same language, she should be able to get her point across but that´s not always the case. So gentlemen, the next time you hear these lines, you might want to interpret them with a bit of caution.

Phrase #1
What She Says: I don´t mind if you hang out with your ex.
What She Means: I trust you, but definitely not her. If she lays a finger on you, I´ll rip her heart out with my bare hands and make her eat it.
What You Should Do: Proceed with caution, but have fun!

Phrase #2
What She Says: Sure, I´d love to watch the sports game with you.
What She Means: The only reason I´m putting myself through such torture is to spend time with you.
What You Should Do: Gentlemen, keep in mind that assuming your lady doesn't like sports, watching a few hours of a sporting event is comparable to a woman making you wait three hours in a hair salon. If your lady does this then good work ? she must really care about you.

Phrase #3
What She Says: I´m fine.
What She Means: Things are not fine and I´m mad at you. (The word ?fine´ actually stands for: freaked out, irritated, nervous and emotional).
What You Should Do: Make a mental note that in a woman´s vocabulary the word ?fine´ often has the same meaning as ?terrible´.

Phrase #4
What She Says: Fine, ditch our plans and go out with your boys.
What She Means: The combination of ?fine´ (see above) and sarcasm is a sure sign that you are in trouble.
What You Should Do: You shouldn´t expect sex for a while. This would certainly be a good time to consider buying her a present.

Phrase #5
What She Says: I´m just having a bad day.
What She Means: It´s not your fault ? or maybe it is ? but the point is that your lady may be experiencing some PMS.
What You Should Do: Give her space or you may regret it and suffer the consequences.

Phrase #6
What She Says: Yes, I think she´s pretty.
What She Means: Tell me I´m more beautiful and that she is an airbrushed, high maintenance, ugly troll behind a wall of makeup with breast implants.
What You Should Do: Do what she says! Tell her she´s beautiful.

Phrase #7
What She Says: What are you doing tonight?
What She Means: What are you doing with me tonight? A lot of the time when a woman asks this question her intention is really to make plans for the evening. Women really don´t care to hear that you are reorganizing your coin collection and then watching a documentary on mold.
What You Should Do: You could respond with, ?I don´t know, did you have something in mind??

Phrase #8
What She Says: That shirt is really nice, you should wear it more often.
What She Means: I really like the shirt and not much of the other clothing you own. So please wear it as often as possible, preferably washed in between wears.
What You Should Do: Wash it and wear it again before too long.

Bonus: What you should definitely not do
- Don´t break your plans because you have a hangover. If you can´t go for this reason at least have the decency to lie and say you are sick.
- Don´t compare your sex life to a pornographic film.
- Never talk about the amount of weight you can bench press because women couldn´t really care less. Believe it or not, if a woman isn´t shallow, she will not care whether or not you can lift her.
The bottom line is that women can often think and act more with their emotions than men. As a result, language is manipulated in different ways leading to communication barriers. Of course, every woman is different and it´s your job to learn all about her ? how she thinks, how she speaks, and how she communicates with you. And if the relationship means something to her, she´ll put in the exact same effort.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Wisdom is having a lot to say and not always saying it. Think before you act; think twice before you speak.

An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind

Winners make things happen, losers let things happen.

I am too blessed to be stressed and too annointed to be disappointed.

Knowledge is information. Wisdom is knowing what to do with the information you have.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

"Wow," Jake said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!" "Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep. No miracle was involved." "Oh," said Jake. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!"

The Red Marbles By W. E. Petersen (This story first appeared in the October 1975 Ensign Magazine)
One day Mr. Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas ... sure look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time." "Good. Anything I can help you with?" "No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas." "Would you like to take some home?" "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with." "Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?" "All I got's my prize marble here." "Is that right? Let me see it." "Here 'tis. She's a dandy." "I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?" "Not zackley ... but almost. "Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble." "Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller." Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps."
I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering. Several years went by, each more rapid that the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could. Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts ... all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes. Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket. "Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size ... they came to pay their debt." "We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho." With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away. We will not be remembered by our words but by our kind deeds. If you don’t notice the ordinary miracles in your life, then you are in way too much of a hurry. It’s not what you gather but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you’ve lived! Never underestimate the amazing power of random acts of kindness!

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles:
A fresh pot of coffee you didn’t make yourself.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Finding your keys right where you left them.
Green lights all the way to work.
Finding a parking spot right by the entrance.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.