Friday Funnies June 13 08

Happy triskaidekaphobia on this fine Friday the 13th.

"According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there, huh?" --Jay Leno

"Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury. And there's talk of Rue McClanahan." --Jay Leno

"And the Hillary Clinton camp says she is not actively seeking the vice presidential nomination. Passive-aggressively seeking it, yes." --Jay Leno

"President Bush gave a big speech today in Europe. He says he regrets giving the false impression that he is not a man of peace. But see, that's the problem. You start one or two little wars, and right away, oh everybody jumps to conclusions." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's considering various candidates to be his vice president. He's paying special attention to people who have a military background. Yeah, experts say Hillary Clinton still has a shot, since she reached the rank of major ballbuster." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, according to the most recent survey, 14% of the people believe that we will see $5 a gallon gas by the end of the year. $5 a gallon. The other 86% think we'll see it by the end of the week." --Jay Leno

"You know, I don't want to say the oil companies are screwing people, but full service now includes KY Jelly." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced they will call a meeting of all the OPEC nations and promised to crack down on the high gas prices. Well, let's hope it's as successful as the Saudi crackdown on terrorism." --Jay Leno

"Well, today it was made public that Hillary Clinton spent $212 million dollars on her campaign for the nomination. $212 million. Think about that. The last time anybody spent that kind of money to come in second were the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"But I thought Hillary was very gracious. She gave a terrific speech. She was very gracious to Barack Obama in her speech. Gave him her full support. And today, she sent him a basket of fresh tomatoes. Did you see that? Well, imagine, beautiful, fresh tomatoes." --Jay Leno

"Well, Barack Obama took the weekend off from campaigning. He said on Saturday night he went on a date with his wife, Michelle. They went on a date. The nice thing is they can stay out late on Saturday nights, without having to worry about getting up to go to church anymore." --Jay Leno

"John McCain has a new slogan. 'A Leader We Can Believe In.' That's a good slogan. Don't confuse that with President Bush's slogan, 'We Can't Believe He's Our Leader.'" --Jay Leno

"And former presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee is being called a hero, a hero. Did you hear about this? After he saved a man's life over the weekend by performing the Heimlich maneuver. He saved a man from choking. In fact, the Lakers have a call in to him right now. They're trying to get him on staff!" --Jay Leno

"And John Edwards says he has ruled out running for vice president. Not because he doesn't consider it an honor. He just doesn't want to move into a smaller house." --Jay Leno

"Well, the talk is that Hillary Clinton is going to try and help unite the party. She's going to unite the party. But today Bill Clinton says, according to his experience, the party is usually over whenever Hillary shows up." --Jay Leno

"There's a lot of pressure on Barack Obama to put Hillary on the ticket. Even his advisers are telling him that Hillary can deliver the woman vote. And, of course, Bill can deliver the other woman vote. So between the two of them, that's, you know, that's a lot of women." --Jay Leno

"Now, political experts are saying that Barack Obama is hesitant to name Hillary Clinton as his running mate, because he's not sure what role Bill Clinton would want to play. Yeah. Bill says he's comfortable playing many roles, like boss interviewing secretary, or pizza guy surprising housewife. He doesn't care." --Conan O'Brien

"A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is set to enjoy his first weekend as the Democratic nominee for president. He and Hillary Clinton had what they called a secret meeting last night in Washington, DC. ... One of the topics they are rumored to have discussed is Hillary's $20 million campaign debt. Obama may help her cover some of that, but she's still going to be on the hook for most of it. Today, she outlined a broad-based plan for recouping that money. Her plan is to marry, and then divorce, Paul McCartney." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, after Hillary's meeting with Barack, Bill Clinton is now saying it's only fair he have a private meeting with Michelle Obama and Salma Hayek." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Word is that Hillary will endorse Obama tomorrow around noon. ... Now we'll see if Obama asks her to be vice president or not. ... Meanwhile, some more high-profile support for Obama today. Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that's what he said, he may have been trying to book a flight to Omaha." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I think it's finally starting to sink in to Hillary that she didn't get it. Like, today she went down to Ikea, because I think she realizes this is the only chance she was going to have to put together her own cabinet." --Jay Leno

"According to the National Intelligence director, only 30% of Afghanistan and its borders are under control by the government. Only 30%. Which sounds bad, until you realize only 20% of California borders are under control." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama clinched the Democratic presidential nomination this week. And it's been reported that Hillary Clinton is going to concede on Saturday. That's right. Yeah, that's Saturday, December 15th, 2017. That's the current plan." --Conan O'Brien

Retirement Bumper Stickers:
My wife always gives me sound advice – 99% sound, 1% advice.
Retirement – twice as much husband, half as much money.
Any day above ground is a good one.
It ain’t the age, it’s the darn mileage.
One good thing about Alzheimer’s, you get to meet new people every day.
Birthdays are good for you – the more you have, the longer you live.
I’m so old, all my friends in heaven will think I didn’t make it.
I’m so old, when I eat out they ask me for the money up front.
At my age, flowers scare me.
Experience is a wonderful thing, it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I’m not old, I’m chronologically gifted.
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
Senior Campbell’s – new large type alphabet soup.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy and sometimes I let him sleep.
That Snap, Crackle, Pop in the morning ain’t my freakin’ Rice Crispies.
Quit worrying about your health – it’ll go away.
I’m so old I don’t even buy green bananas.
I’m not losing my hair – I’m getting more head.
The only trouble with retirement – you never get a damn day off.

Arthur Davidson (as in Harley), died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.” Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?” Arthur said, “Yep, that's me.” God said, “Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?” Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?” God said, “Yes.” “Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”
“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?’ 'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Definitions:
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines

Child Support Agency files revisited:
The following are supposed answers for details of the children’s father

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I Believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly
from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my on's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have
Cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7.. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also born at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilised.

10 . I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

A Computer Is Just A Machine.
You Could Never Call It Obscene.
So If You Turn Red,
From Words That It Said,
It's YOU Who Knows What They Mean.

He: I'm tired, I'm drunk, and I'm horny. What d’ ya say?
She: "Get some sleep, get sober, and get a grip."

A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I am always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? I got proof.
What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'.

Love is complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

Mollie had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Mollie said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.' Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?' She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.' He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same ... she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?' He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'

A Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on. After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than gentiles?" The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet. The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000 – if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer. The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him to prepare for Shabbat. The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50-.The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition; that he goes first. The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: “What kind of animal has the body of a Lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on its front legs and 5 webbed toes on its rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?” The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands over to the Rabbi $1,000. He then asks the Rabbi what kind of animal was it? The Rabbi says "how should I know"? and gives him $50.00.

A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30 year old son is unmarried. So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements. The marriage broker takes a long time looking and finally asks to visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says she's just the right age for the son... she keeps a Glatt Kosher home...she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart...she is a wonderful cook...she loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all of, she's gorgeous. After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But the son pauses and asks inappropriately: 'Is she also good in bed?' The marriage broker answers, 'some say yes ... some say no.'

A wealthy young man goes out and buys a very expensive1998 Ferrari GTO. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. It’s worth about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, putting a big dent in the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man! He runs up to the mangled old guy and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

Things I’ve Learned: by Andy Rooney
I've learned....
- That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
- That when you're in love, it shows.
- That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
- That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
- That being kind is more important than being right.
- That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
- That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
- That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
- That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
- That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
- That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
- That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
- That money doesn't buy class.
- That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
- That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
- That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
- That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
- That love, not time, heals all wounds.
- That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
- That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
- That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
- That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
- That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
- That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
- That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
- That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
- That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
- That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
- That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
- That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.