Friday Funnies July 25 08

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip

"Hey, did you see [Barack Obama] playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you see that one shot he made from 40 feet? 40 feet. Let me tell you something. If shooting baskets now is a requirement to be president, a white guy may never have that job again." --Jay Leno

"Well, this week the trial began for Osama bin Laden's driver. He was pretty easy to catch. I guess they got him at the airport at the gate. He had a big sign that said 'Osama bin Laden.' That's when they nailed him." --Jay Leno

"I don't think this guy is being totally honest either. Like, he claims he didn't know where bin Laden lives, even though he was his driver. He said whenever he drove bin Laden around, he was always blind-folded." --Jay Leno

"Bin Laden's driver said bin Laden was not a bad client. Yeah, said he was a lot nicer than his previous client, Naomi Campbell. At least he didn't hit him with a cell phone." --Jay Leno

"President Bush went on to say, today there are no short-term solutions to the energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either." --Jay Leno

"The economy here in the United States is in very bad shape, but President Bush isn't sweating it. Partly because he believes the bad news is being exaggerated and partly because he has the intellect of a Golden Retriever." --Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the latest Reuters-Zogby poll, 10% of Americans are giving President Bush's economic policy the thumbs up. The other 90% [are] using a different finger." --Jay Leno

"Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified before Congress yesterday. I don't want to say the financial situation doesn't look good, but he testified via satellite from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno

"Oil prices have dropped again, making it the third day in a row. Apparently, somebody forgot to tell the guy who owns the gas station near my house." -=Jay Leno

"President Bush said in his press conference our nation's troubled financial system is basically sound. Really? I mean, banks have folded, mortgage lenders are going under. Basically sound? I think 'basically screwed' is probably more [accurate]." --Jay Leno

"With all this financial panicking going on, President Bush held a press conference and told everyone to take a deep breath. That's a good advice, huh? The economy is tanking and he's giving Lamaze classes. Very good. Isn't that what he told the people of New Orleans when the water was rising? 'Just take a deep breath and try to hold it for as long you can.'" --Jay Leno

"And more financial confusion today. Did you hear about this? Unbelievable. Apparently, the government tried to bail out Tyra Banks. Yeah, so I don't know. They get confused." -Jay Leno

"Barack Obama announced today he's gonna visit Israel. He said he's going to stop at the West Bank. To which Bush said, 'the West Bank?' Is that one going under, too?" --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll -- true story -- most voters think Barack Obama has a better smile than John McCain. That's what they're saying. They say he has a better smile than John McCain. Yeah, apparently, this is because McCain takes his smile out every night and puts it in a glass of water." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, you know what's interesting, McCain has admitted he does not use email or the internet. Yeah. He says he's never really found the need to use e-mail 'cause if people want to reach him they can just get him on his CB radio." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Bush lifted the executive ban on drilling for oil in certain parts of the country. ... Now, don't confuse that with President Clinton. He was the first to lift the executive ban on drilling in the Oval Office. That was totally different." --Jay Leno

"John McCain in the news for the second time. For the second time in two days, John McCain has referred to current events in Czechoslovakia, a country that officially ceased to exist in 1993. Yeah. Afterwards, McCain said, 'You know, the same thing happened the last time I went to Mesopotamia." --Conan O'Brien

"Folks, Senator Barack Obama left his church in May, but questions still linger about his religion. According to a new Pew Research Poll, since March, the number of people who believe Obama is Muslim has increased by 2%, and strangely, the number who believe he's Jewish has gone from none to 1%. [on screen: Obama dressed as Jewish Eastern European tinker next to a menorah]. Wow, you play Tevye in one Congressional production of 'Fiddler on the Roof,' and you're typecast for life" --Stephen Colbert

A Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the Newfie replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup' replied the Newfie. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch' the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

And who says Newfies are dumb?
A man and his wife, moved back home to Newfoundland from Ontario. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an insurance agency, to see how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Ontario! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen. It says: “Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.”

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir?' 'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies. The cop asks 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?' 'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's penis hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?' Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out, 'Damn! My girlfriend's gone too!'

Thinking I was being funny as I saw my wife getting out of the shower, I said "Perhaps if we started washing your clothes in Slim Fast, it would take an inch or two off of your butt!"! My wife was not amused, and wasn’t going to let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning I took a pair of underwear out of my drawer and a little dust cloud appeared when I shook them out. "Connie", I hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied.....It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!"

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their weewees to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade." "No, ma'am, "he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.

A woman visiting France drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She swore never to get plastered in Paris again.

A Draughtsman residing in Poole
Was possessed of a singular tool.
Said he, matter-of-factly,
It's twelve inches exactly
But I don't use it much as a rule.

A Certain Young Woman Named Chris,
Said, "How Odd That Young Men Stand To Piss.
After All, It's Less Taxing,
And Much More Relaxing,
Just To Sit Down, As I Do, Like This."

Oldie Goldie
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll b e fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. "Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. "I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. "He bested me at every move and I could not continue." Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue" the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. "Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. 'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?' 'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied. 'No, I won't.' 'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool. 'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!' 'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

Things that keep me up at night:
Why are all farms red?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumidifier In the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you Went back would the parts you use disappear because they didn't exist then?
How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What do mermaids eat?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

And that's how the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's how the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And that's how the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.” “My God!” said my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror, obviously not happy with what she saw and says to me, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' So I said, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that’s how the fight started!

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it .... he was a DWARF! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said: 'Well then, which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started...

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS:
1. Ladies, why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Children’s gems writing about the ocean:
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown - I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)