Friday Funnies April 11 08

"In case you forgot, taxes are due next week. You know, we all hate paying taxes, but the truth of the matter is without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see what's going on with the Olympic torch? A lot of protests. It arrived in San Francisco today on its way to China. The Chinese that were traveling with the torch were stunned by the number of protesters. They have never seen this many protesters alive." -Jay Leno

"Well, a few times, the protesters became so aggressive that the Chinese security team had to retreat with the torch to one of their embassies. Had to go back to one of their embassies. Luckily, there was a Wal-Mart in the area, so that's a protected area." -Jay Leno

"Last week, John McCain visited his old school. In high school, he studied Latin. Did you know that? Well, he had to, that was the only language spoken." --Jay Leno

"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno

"In science news, this is interesting. British scientists have mixed human DNA with cow DNA. Now, wasn't Bill Clinton impeached for doing the same thing?" --Jay Leno

"The Pope announced that during his visit to New York City this month, he will visit a synagogue. The Pope's going to visit a synagogue. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I want to perform for a crowd that hasn't heard my material before.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's campaign on Friday released her joint tax returns showing $109 million in income over the last seven years. Though most of that comes from Bill Clinton's speaking engagements, book royalties and stud fees." --Amy Poehler

"The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died." --Amy Poehler

"I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to distance himself from George Bush. First off, by completing sentences with punctuation." --Bill Maher

"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. ... He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher

"John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. He's the only one. He's not using it. See, apparently, he has Life Alert." --Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine -- now this guy's a Clinton superdelegate. He said on MSNBC that he might switch his allegiance to Barack Obama if Hillary doesn't have the popular vote. People are really upset, but this is not unprecedented. In fact, he would not be the first governor of New Jersey to switch from a woman to a guy." --Jay Leno

"Today, Barack Obama said as president, when it comes to solving the problem of global warming, he wants to have Al Gore at the table. ... Al Gore at the table. Have you seen Al Gore lately? I think he needs to push a little away from the table." --Jay Leno

"Good news for Hillary Clinton. You know Hillary's ad where she says she's ready to answer the phone at 3 am? This is interesting. Today, she got a call from India and they said if this presidential thing doesn't work out, they have a job for her in tech support." --Jay Leno

"The Clintons just released their tax returns to the public. ... It turns out that over the past eight years, they've donated over $10 million to charity. When they asked Bill Clinton why he gave so much money to charity, he said, 'She's a really good dancer.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Actually, learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour, so you can learn about him. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budwesier beer. Budweiser beer distributor, $100 million. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, unlimited money -- I think I speak for all guys when I go, why is he running for president?" --Jay Leno

A brewery announced its coming out with a beer named in honor of Barack Obama. They're also honoring Hillary Clinton by coming out with crushed beer nuts." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain has been campaigning all over the country this week. Yesterday, McCain gave a speech in Florida. He was in Florida. The Florida speech was at 2:30 in the afternoon 'cause McCain was the after-dinner speaker." --Conan O'Brien

"I like John McCain. He reminds me of a guy who spends a lot of time in the yard with a hose." --David Letterman

"He's looking for a vice presidential running mate. ... He needs a guy who is conservative, understands the economy and knows how to operate a defibrillator." --David Letterman

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate should no longer be referred to as “English Weather”, but rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it should be referred as “Muslim Weather.” In other words, “partly Sunni but mostly Shi’ite”

Why men have better friends:
Friendship between women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husbands 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

The night before her wedding Maria pulled her mother aside for an intimate little chat. "Momma," she confided, "I want you to tell me how I can make my new husband happy." The bride's mother took a deep breath. "Well, my child," she began, "when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing." "I know how to fuck, Momma," interrupted the girl. "I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any." "But, I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ......"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbot
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
69 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!

Man's three major problems
1.Life sucks.
2.Work sucks.
3.Wife doesn't...

English As She Is Spelled:
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.
When eye strike a quay, right a word
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.
I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Becky, who belonged to a synagogue group devoted to visiting and helping the sick members of her congregation, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since Becky was on the way to see another patient, and behind schedule, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she always had handy for needy patients. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to he r car which was decorated with many Hebrew decals and bumper stickers. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "If it starts, I'm converting to Judaism."

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.' And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.' And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted and God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.' And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other.

On the Home Front: This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this:
Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in your house, odds are the burglar rapist won't stick around... after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to have your key fob at the ready while walking to your car in a parking lot as the alarm would be equally effective in that situation. The panic button would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can't reach a phone. Good to know.

A sharp tongue can cut my own throat.
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends.... B1.
The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.
One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.
If I lack the courage to start, I have already finished.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time.
Ideas won't work unless 'I ' do.
My mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I might have been.
Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away. Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.