Friday Funnies March 28 08

"Hey, Fred Thompson announced he's getting back into acting. Fred Thompson. Yeah, how about that? ... That's a pretty gutsy decision, considering his less than convincing portrayal of a presidential candidate." --Jay Leno

"Here is exciting news for the Spring in New York City. Ringling Brothers Circus is at Madison Square Garden. It's a tremendous show if you folks haven't been there. They have a female contortionist who is so good that Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink." --David Letterman

"I want to clarify something. Ringling Brothers is a three-ring circus. Governor and Mrs. McGreevey are a three-way circus." --David Letterman

"The mayor of Detroit is creating jobs. The first job he's gonna create -- new mayor of Detroit, apparently. Have you heard of this by now? Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been charged with perjury and lying under oath after being caught sending sexually explicit text messages to his female chief of staff. This was the most embarrassing thing to happen to a Democratic politician in, like, a week." --Jay Leno

"Well, the sad thing is, Kwame Kilpatrick was considered a rising star in the Democratic Party. Apparently, he just spent a little too much time rising."--Jay Leno

"The bad news is, he could be forced out of office. The good news is, any time you get a chance to get out of Detroit, take it." --Jay Leno

"I love this story. I saw it in the paper today. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will explore whether he has an addiction to sex. Oh, shut up. Is sex really an addiction? Is it a disease? Do you think it's a disease? Huh? I mean, I've heard people call into work sick. Can you call in horny?" --Jay Leno

"And it's getting worse and worse for Governor Spitzer. Now, a Brazilian madam has come forward to say that Eliot Spitzer paid her to watch other couples have sex. You know, this whole thing could've been avoided if you put a peep hole in the lieutenant governor's office. That way, he could've watched David Paterson have his affairs and saved five grand an hour." --Jay Leno

"Actually, more revelations coming out about the new governor of New York, David Paterson. He now admits he did cocaine and marijuana. Now he comes up with that. So the first blind, black guy to be governor of New York has had a bunch of extramarital affairs, does coke and smokes dope. You sure he's governor? Doesn't he sound more like a blues singer?" --Jay Leno

"Well, you know, Hillary Clinton's campaign is now saying she misspoke. She misspoke -- that's like a political word -- when she said last week that she landed under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia as first lady. Turns out, it was gunfire on a trip to L.A. See, she got confused." --Jay Leno

"She now admits there were no snipers, yeah. And today, Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, if I knew there weren't any snipers, I wouldn't have sent her there in the first place.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, kids all over America spent the day looking for Easter eggs. And today, their parents are in New York at Bear Stearns trying to find their nest eggs." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's the big brouhaha. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson ... still thinks he's loyal to the Clinton family, despite endorsing Barack Obama. Loyal. He just endorsed Barack. Even Bill was more faithful to Hillary than that." --Jay Leno

"Actually, the reason this is such a big story is that Bill Richardson was a member of the Clinton cabinet. And Clinton adviser James Carville ... on Good Friday, he called Bill Richardson a Judas. Called him a Judas. Well, you know, there are a lot of biblical references in this race. Now they're calling Bill Clinton 'Jonah' because he was once swallowed by a whale." --Jay Leno

And Larry Craig did not file for re-election by the deadline. He legally cannot run for office again. How about that? Ironically, you know why Larry Craig missed the filing deadline? He was in the men's room." --Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, he did not sign up for re-election. He is not going to run for office again. So don't let the stall door hit you on the way out, Larry." --David Letterman

"Yesterday in New York, everybody was in the Easter spirit. As a matter of fact, former governor Eliot Spitzer, he was in the Easter spirit. He spent the day with someone named Bunny." --David Letterman

"This week, John McCain received a warm welcome in Israel. He was in Israel. You know, he is hugely popular in Israel ever since he stood with the Jewish people against the pharaoh. They've never forgotten." --Jay Leno

"According to a new study by the University of British Columbia and Harvard, money can buy happiness, but only if you spend the money on someone else. To which former Governor Eliot Spitzer said, 'See.'" --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, Eliot Spitzer has entered therapy for his sex addiction. He has sex addiction. He's not horny, a sex addiction. See, I don't know if it's gonna work. When the therapist told him it was 300 bucks an hour, he said, 'What can I get for an extra $50?'" --Jay Leno

"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien

"Spring is finally here! Spring, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, and Eliot Spitzer turns to the Yellow Pages." --Bill Maher

"Also, the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war. How romantic. Once again, they forgot to greet us with flowers. ... Traditionally, this is the wood anniversary -- five. Which is fitting, 'cause that's what Dick Cheney gets when he thinks of war." --Bill Maher

"The war is going into its sixth year with no end in sight, the economy, of course, is tanking, but what is America freaking out about right now? That apparently Barack Obama went to a church and heard his pastor criticize America, and just sat there. Everybody knows when you hear something your pastor says that you don't agree with, you get up there and you punch him in the f------ face ... and you beat him with the cross." --Bill Maher

"The thing is, Republicans, of course, don't allow dangerous religious freaks to advise their campaigns. They nominate them." --Bill Maher

"President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning back now would harm all the gains we've made. Like oil $100 a barrel, worthless dollar, a recession. We can't afford to lose any of that!" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest polls out today, John McCain now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. To give you an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency." --Jay Leno

"And the new governor of New York, David Paterson, is speaking out. Remember, he announced he had a bunch of affairs? Well, now he says he's no longer seeing other women. But it's a trick. He's blind." --Jay Leno

"A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you'd think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a 'cold one.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Dick Cheney also in Iraq this week. Cheney told the Iraqi government that their leaders have to show some progress on both their domestic and economic fronts. And the Iraqis said to Cheney, 'Uh, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Another exciting episode 'As Albany Turns.' Have you been following what's been going on in New York? Both the governor of New York, David Paterson, and his wife have both admitted to having extramarital affairs. They said they both had sex with other people during a rocky period in their marriage. Now, I'm no marriage counselor, but, you know, if you're both banging other people, that could cause a rocky period." --Jay Leno

"No, the governor said he would often meet these women at the Days Inn in Albany. Well, he knows how to charm a a lady, huh? Nothing like that free pop tart continental breakfast." --Jay Leno

"One of the women Paterson had an affair with was a state employee. He said he tried to end the affair, but since she was a state employee, there was so much paperwork involved, it was just easier to just keep banging her." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Governor Paterson is legally blind, which has gotta be an advantage when you're having an affair. This way, when your wife catches you in bed with another woman, you go, 'Honey, I thought it was you.'" --Jay Leno

"God, that's got to be depressing for women, don't you think? I mean, think about it. When even a legally blind guy has a roving eye, come on!" --Jay Leno

"According to a new study by scientists at Clemson University, almost 3,000 bacteria are transferred every time you double-dip something. More bad news for New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey." --Jay Leno

"This weekend the annual auto show begins. The New York City Auto Show. It's going to be a great affair. ... I hear former Governor Eliot Spitzer may be in the market for a Hummer." --David Letterman

Latest news has it that Eliot Spitzer was ousted from his synagogue. Apparently his rabbi was able to overlook his betrayal of the public trust and his personal indiscretions, but he could not forgive him for buying retail.

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs
If we spend it on fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
My name is Elliot Spitzer and I approved this ad...

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - DavidBissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? - Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' - Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' - Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' - James Holt McGavran
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... – Nash (Ogden or Graham?)
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' - Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' - Anonymous

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "So am I!" "Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!" About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight." Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very ‘friendly’ person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess you'd be about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say around 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible. How could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't," she says. "I was behind you in McDonald's."

An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
He remarked, with a smile,
"Hoorah! A sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."

There was a man from Cuba
Who stuck his dick in a tuba
His newly wed bride
Blew on the other side
And his dick flew off to Aruba

A guy on a Harley is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her - before the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A Los Angeles Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addresses the biker saying, "Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do." "Why, it was nothing," said the biker. "Really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and did the right thing." "I noticed a patch on your jacket," said the journalist. "Yeah, I ride with a Christian motorcycle club," the biker replies. "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's Times will have this in first page." The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the L.A. Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and on the front page he reads: "BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!"

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them Brides of Christ. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long beards and sidelocks came in and sat in the front row. The Mother Superior went over to them and said, "I am honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you’re here? One of the Hasidic Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois? An erection and two headaches.
What is s a Jewish nymphomaniac? A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman? The Plaintiff.
What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast? The tip of the iceberg.
Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage? He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Abe and Sadie had moved to the suburbs and had joined the new very elite Erasmus Country Club there. Abie was somewhat embarrassed by Sadie whenever they would dine there, and one evening before they went out for dinner at the club, Abie decided to give his wife a bit of advice. "Sadie," he said, " ven ve go to dee club, and dee vaiter esks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink..... Please don't say "ah glass Manishevitz vine''. At a club like dis, you don't esk for Manishevitz vine." "No?, Abie," she replied. "If not for Manishevitz so for vot should I esk?" Abie answered: "You should esk for ah martini. Everybody drinks now martinis. So don't esk for Manishevitz. Please Sadie, say you vahnt ah martini. You'll like it. Okay?" With that, Sadie agreed that she would no longer ask for Manishevitz wine, and the next time it would be martinis for Sadie. That evening at the club, when the waiter approached their table to take their order for drinks, Sadie was well prepared. The meticulously attired waiter asked: "Ma'am, may I bring you a cocktail?" Sadie was ready and proudly announced, "Yes, I'll have ah martini." "Dry?" questioned the waiter. "No," replied Sadie. "Tzvay iz genoog!"

Concluding his exam, my doctor said, “I find very little wrong with you. You are in surprisingly good health despite being quite overweight. My advice to you is this: If you want to stay healthy, give up those intimate little dinners for two unless you find someone to share them with."

Don't you just love a kid’s view of the world?
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?' The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?' The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'

The Old Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now…

The New Alphabet

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H .. high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I .. for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!