Friday Funnies October 3 08

"But we have the big vice presidential debate coming up on Thursday, and Sarah Palin is busy preparing. Right now, for example, she is practicing her caribou-caught-in-the-lights look." --David Letterman

"Actually, Sarah Palin is currently rehearsing for the debate, but insiders tell me it's not going that well because she keeps saying, 'I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab." --Conan O'Brien

"With the Congress not in session, the stock market made a big comeback today. See, that's the key to saving the economy. Send these idiots home so they can't screw up anymore. Exactly. We need more holidays. That's the problem. More holidays, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, get them all in there." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, John McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a new 'just say no' program. McCain told Sarah Palin, 'If a reporter asks you any questions, just say no!'" --Jay Leno

"Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right know, you know, she's busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate." --Jay Leno

"Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself. Think about it." --Jay Leno

"Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it." --Jay Leno

"As you know the bailout was voted down. Oh my God. People are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have." --Jay Leno

"You know, these things are so complicated. I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts, and they couldn't agree on which part to implement first: the smoke or the mirrors." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the first presidential debate was held on Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own. Others say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder." --Conan O'Brien

"And today President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. He did take a moment to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn. But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Palin has been all over the news recently. Yesterday, she was in New York at the U.N. General Assembly to meet with leaders from other countries. Previously, her world experience had been limited to a visit to the Epcot Center in Orlando." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, you probably heard John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it's difficult to maintain an election." --Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, President Bush addressed the nation last night. ... How many thought they were watching an episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'" --Jay Leno

"I listened to President Bush's speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess. And they're too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?" --Jay Leno

"As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying 'we have to act now, we have to act now.' It's like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!" –Jay Leno

"I'll tell you, to give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to their guns and religion." --Jay Leno

Just in time for the elections on both sides of the border, here are some righteous jabs at liberals:

Canadian Immigration: From the MANITOBA HERALD (a very underground newspaper):
The possibility of a McCain-Palin election win is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, attend only fundamentalist church, and agree with Bill O’Reilly.
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latté and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizen passengers on the lyrics of Perry Como, Rosemary Clooney and Nat “King” Cole songs to prove they were alive in the ‘50s.
“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show and give the first names of 2 Lennon Sisters, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
“I feel sorry for American liberals but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history and English majors does one country need?”

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain.

As a liberal I must officially register my indignation and, that done, I’ll go back to my lunch of braised tofu and sushi with white wine while I watch a Michael Moore movie!

Oldie Goldie
A young man goes into the job center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.' 'Oh, okay...is that where the job is?' 'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good-looking, older retired airline pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, 'I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?' The girl says, 'I'll go first.' She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, 'I've never seen a display like that in my life.' He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, 'Can you top that?' The tough old pilot replies, 'No problem! Just get that goddam lion out of the way!'

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy." "Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

The meek shall inherit the earth...if it's okay with the rest of you.

Gasoline prices have gotten so high these days, street gangs are having to do walk-bys.

"How was your blind date?" "Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce." "What's so terrible about that?" "He was the original owner."

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How should I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

During a lesson, my driving instructor commented that he was seeing spots before his eyes. "That could be serious," I said. "For years, my father complained of seeing spots before being diagnosed with a detached retina. You really should see a doctor immediately." "Or," replied the instructor, "you could just turn the windshield wipers on."

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home one evening to tell me he would be late. "Dirty magazines were discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined." I launched into a tirade, arguing that Marines should not be penalized for something so trivial. My husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said 'dirty magazines,' I meant the clips from their rifles hadn't been cleaned."

Aryeh and Devora, a young religious couple, were expecting their first baby. Devora went into labour on Shabbat so they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital. Because Aryeh wanted to minimize the Shabbat violation, he told the controller that he cannot have a Jewish driver. The taxi quickly arrived, but when Aryeh and Devora were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"

The Importance of Walking and Excercise:
- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
- My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,' I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
- I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well she looks good, doesn't she?'
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
- We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
- Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour Place and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. 'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?' 'No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 'He went with Mom and Dad.' The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.' 'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

Jock, a Scottish painter, tried to save a penny where ever he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this most of the time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock, recognizing a judgment from the Almighty, got down on his knees and cried: 'Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?' And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…'Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!'

Here’s what to do when you have a “I Hate My Job” day:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.” Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department for Johnson & Johnson”

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind Sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day. A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother: 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.' He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.' Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?' 'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this. Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'