Friday Funnies October 26 07

"What a terrific audience we have. We have 500 people here tonight. We have straight people, we have gay people, we have white people, we have black people. It's like a Dick Cheney family reunion." --Jay Leno

"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. You know, the last Dalai the president greeted was Parton. ... Believe it or not, they actually have a lot in common. One of the goals of Zen Buddhism is to completely empty your mind. The president did that years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"During a speech at the Capitol yesterday, the Dalai Lama admitted that his English language skills equal those of a kindergartner's. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'No one likes a show-off.'" --Conan O'Brien

"At the end of this month, the city of Vienna, Austria, will be holding a divorce fair where people can get information on how to get a divorce. I believe the keynote speaker will be Rudy Giuliani, followed by a concert by Paul McCartney" --Jay Leno

"Candidates out there campaigning very hard. Everyone's trying a different angle right now to get the lead. Presidential candidate John McCain has been taking his 95-year-old mother along with him on his campaign bus. None of the other candidates are traveling with their mothers, but Bill Clinton is traveling with several MILFs." --Conan O'Brien

"Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time ... but not one drop of shampoo." --Bill Maher

Just for golfers..... some new terminology
· A * Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole
· A *Salman Rushdie* - an impossible read
· A *Rock Hudson * - looked straight, but it wasn't.
· A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution
· An *Elton John* - a big bender that lips the rim
· An *Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker
· A *Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker straight into another
· A *Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand
· A *Kate Winslett* - little fat but otherwise perfect
· A *Glen Miller* - didn't make it over the water
· A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed
· An *O. J. Simpson* - got away with it
· A * Princess Grace* - should have used a driver
· A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have used a driver
· A *Michael Jackson* - gradually fading
· A *Ladyboy* - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
· A *condom* - safe, but didn't feel real good
· A *circus tent* - a BIG top
· An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
· A *Brazilian* - Shaves both sides of the hole
. A *Jeb Bush*--too far to the right, out of play

Max goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health. "Max, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor. "Who asked you to make me younger?" says Max. "Just make sure I get older!"

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it .

How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer? Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
CANADIAN POLICE OFFICER
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged "client" a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just "misunderstood" by society?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?
Warn and Charter him as he approaches.
AUSTRALIAN OFFICER
Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICER
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew'). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.' IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

Oldie goldie:
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them and smell like pepper spray.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease....do you know I haven't had the flu all winter...?"

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a 911 call for a woman about to deliver a baby. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3- yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his behind again!"

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these!"

I am thankful:
For the wife who says it’s hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me and not out with someone else.
For the couch-potato husband on the sofa because he is home with me and not out in bars.
For the teenager who is complaining about doing the dishes because it means she is at home, not on the streets
For the taxes I pay because it means I’m employed.
For the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means I have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and I have been blessed with transportation.
For my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
For the lady behind me at services who sings off-key because it means I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means we have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at day’s end because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off in the early morning because it means I’m alive.
And finally, for too much e-mail because it means I have friends who are thinking of me
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!